World’s most accurate pie chart

October 30, 2014


“A dirty, dark secret”

October 29, 2014

Stolen from Michelle Obama’s Mirror.

I’m sure you all heard about the “Dirty, Dark Secret” that leaked out last week without official sanction:

Wait, no; I’m just messing with you. I’m talking about this “dirty, dark secret” revealed last week by Sir Charles Barkley:

 He said WHAT?

As I tell my white friends, we as black people, we’re never going to be successful, not because of you white people, but because of other black people. When you’re black, you have to deal with so much crap in your life from other black people. It’s a—It’s a dirty, dark secret; I’m glad it’s coming out. It comes out every few years.

“Not because of you white people, but because of other black people” ??? Can he say that?

…One of the reasons we’re never going to be successful as a whole, because of other black people. And for some reason we are brainwashed to think, if you’re not a thug or an idiot, you’re not black enough. If you go to school, make good grades, speak intelligent, and don’t break the law, you’re not a good black person. And it’s a dirty, dark secret…

I said, you know, when young black kids, you know, when they do well in school, the loser kids tell them, ‘Oh, you’re acting white.’ The kids who speak intelligently— They tell them, ‘You’re acting white.’ So it’s a dirty, dark secret in the black community.

(continue reading here)


Happy anniversary, Statue of Liberty

October 28, 2014

“Liberty Enlightening the World” was unveiled to the public one hundred and twenty-eight years ago today. The statue was designed by the French artist and sculptor Frédéric-Auguste Bartholdi, with engineering help from Eugene Viollet-le-Duc and Alexandre Gustave Eiffel. It was constructed in France, then dismantled and packed into more than two hundred shipping crates, then shipped across the ocean to New York, where it was reassembled on a pedestal on Bedloe’s Island in New York Harbor. On October 28, 1886, despite cold, rainy weather, hundreds of thousands of people turned out for the statue’s dedication.

Lady Liberty’s face was veiled with a French flag while the assembled crowd was subjected to a number of speeches by various dignitaries. Bartholdi himself was hidden inside the statue’s crown, ready to drop the flag and unveil the statue as soon as the speeches were over; but he let the flag fall prematurely, prompting enthusiastic cheers from the crowd and bringing a sudden close to the speech then in progress.


ObamaCare deductibles are a plot to destroy Dear Leader

October 28, 2014

From The People’s Cube.

Comrades, sad is it may be, I must denounce our glorious party organ, the New York Times. Yes, you heard that right Comrades. I think someone in the party needs to get them to do a retraction on this article.

Unable to Meet the Deductible or the Doctor

We also need to denounce the racist typical white woman featured in this article. She needs to gain non-person status like Debbie Hyphenatedname-Schultz. She is whining about her $6,000 deductible. She says it is unaffordable and thus she must forego a brain scan. Obviously, she is a secret reichwinger rethugikkkan! And a racist! She just wants out First Black President™ Dear Leader Obama to look bad. 

She should have set aside $6,000 annually from her part-time landscape job to pay for her medical expenses. What does she think this is? Free health care just because the low information dullards were lead to believe that? It looks like she wasted her money on other unnecessary luxuries like rent/mortgage, food, clothing, gas to get to work, electric, phone service, heat, water, etc. She might even pay for cable tv and Internet access! Then she goes complaining to the NYT because she doesn’t have an extra $6,000 in addition to her monthly ObamaCare cost? What’s the matter with her??? 

People need to reexamine their priorities. It’s not about their basic needs. It is about making Dear Leader look good and about not being a racist. Forgo all the extras like food, electric, etc. and save your money to cover your deductible! And goodness, if you MUST eat and can’t afford your deductible then just shut up about it and don’t go flapping your gums to the media. You might just get featured in an article and embarrass glorious Dear Leader.

By Comrade Vlad Linen

 


Army memo claims hand-washing and gas masks will prevent Ebola infection

October 27, 2014

From The Duffel Blog.

BETHESDA, Md. — Regular hand washing and eating a good hearty breakfast are among the preventive steps recommended for controlling the outbreak of Ebola, according to a new memorandum from the U.S. Army’s biodefense laboratory.

The memo from the U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Disease (USAMRIID), which Duffel Blog obtained, advises soldiers and Marines heading into Liberia to maintain proper hygiene to include brushing teeth as well as shaving any and all mustaches. It also advises troops to get weekly haircuts and keep their hands out of their pockets to help stop the virus’ spread.

The document comes as more than 3,000 US troops deploy to West Africa to catch the virus, which has so far infected almost 10 American citizens.

Once troops make their way into the Ebola “hot zone” however, protective measures become more extreme, advising the regular wear of the M-40 field protective mask and outerwear garments — known as “MOPP Gear” — which the memo says is “100 percent guaranteed to prevention contraction of the disease.”

Still, the military is being proactive in its “War on Ebola,” which insiders have been calling “Operation: Enduring Anywhere but Iraq.” As deployments to the region continue, combat medics will be trained in critical lifesaving techniques, such as the issuing of 800mg of Ibuprofen, and advising soldiers to change their socks on a regular basis.

When asked for comment, a spokesman for Africa Command said he was excited the unit was finally doing something worth taking phone calls about, but could not not discuss ongoing military operations.

By Maxx Butthurt.


Scary Halloween masks

October 27, 2014

Stolen from Mindful Webworks.

Scare your friends! Scare yourself!

1. Click on the images to see large display.
2. Print on 110# card stock.
3. Unjam heavy card stock from printer repeatedly.
4. Go purchase a better printer at Wal-Mart.
5. Print faces, cut off heads, punch out eyes. Theirs. Not yours.
6. Figure out some way to tie mask to face, usually involving tangling rubber bands in hair.
7. Settle on super-glue to paste to forehead, chin, and cheeks.
NB: Management is not responsible for results of these instructions.

Ever-popular, perpetually-horrifying
“San Fran Nan”

Frighteningly lying liar
“Lois Lerner”

Smug and silent; a little too silent….
“Sebelius!”

Defiant, vague, cutting like a chainsaw
“Testifyin’ Hillary”

BEST-SELLING!
Terrifying threat heading right for you!
“Campaignin’ Hillary”

Dancing with the padres

October 23, 2014

If all priests were this much fun, attendance at mass would be much higher.

 


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