From The Onion.
Saying it was simply time for drivers to move on, Toyota Motor Corp. issued a recall of its entire 1993 Camry model line Wednesday due to the fact that its owners really should have bought something new by now.
“We understand that the 1993 Camry was tremendously dependable, but, honestly, there’s just no excuse for driving a 22-year-old car at this point,” said Toyota spokesman Haruki Kinoshita, adding that, with all the advances in automotive technology that have taken place, no one really had any business driving a vehicle for more than two decades.
“We’re not saying you have to buy a new 2015 Camry or splurge on a flashy new hybrid, or even that your new car has to be a Toyota at all. But the bottom line is that you need to start fresh, however you choose to do so.”
While Toyota is reportedly confining its recall to the 1993 Camry, it also issued a warning to owners of 1994 to 1998 models alerting them to the fact that they were really starting to push it.
To mark Thanksgiving Day, President Obama today sent an open letter to the American people, which is reproduced here in its entirety.
My Fellow Americans,
This is the day when families of all varieties gather around the table and give thanks for the great blessings they enjoy due to the beneficent mercy of an all-powerful, all-knowing and compassionate Higher Power. They express gratitude for the food before them, the clothing they wear, the health they enjoy, and the checks that keep coming to provide it all.
The actions of the Almighty may seem mysterious, but most Americans submit humbly to the purposes of the One who holds their future — the One who knows more about them than anyone at that table does. They bow their heads to exalt the One who hears what they say in private moments, who reads their most intimate thoughts, and who, ultimately, judges them.
So, as you gather with loved ones to give collective voice to your inexhaustible gratitude, let me express my thoughts in these simple words…
Barack H. Obama
By Scott Ott.
It must be incredibly frustrating as an Islamic Jihadist not to have your views and motives taken seriously by the societies you terrorize, even after you have explicitly and repeatedly stated them. Even worse, those on the regressive left, in their endless capacity for masochism and self-loathing, have attempted to shift blame inwardly on themselves, denying the Jihadists even the satisfaction of claiming responsibility.
It’s like a bad Monty Python sketch:
“We did this because our holy texts exhort us to to do it.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Wait, what? Yes we did…”
“No, this has nothing to do with religion. You guys are just using religion as a front for social and geopolitical reasons.”
“WHAT!? Did you even read our official statement? We give explicit Quranic justification. This is jihad, a holy crusade against pagans, blasphemers, and disbelievers.”
“No, this is definitely not a Muslim thing. You guys are not true Muslims, and you defame a great religion by saying so.”
“Huh!? Who are you to tell us we’re not true Muslims!? Islam is literally at the core of everything we do, and we have implemented the truest most literal and honest interpretation of its founding texts. It is our very reason for being.”
“Nope. We created you. We installed a social and economic system that alienates and disenfranchises you, and that’s why you did this. We’re sorry.”
“What? Why are you apologizing? We just slaughtered you mercilessly in the streets. We targeted unwitting civilians – disenfranchisement doesn’t even enter into it!”
“Listen, it’s our fault. We don’t blame you for feeling unwelcome and lashing out.”
“Seriously, stop taking credit for this! We worked really hard to pull this off, and we’re not going to let you take it away from us.”
“No, we nourished your extremism. We accept full blame.”
“OMG, how many people do we have to kill around here to finally get our message across?”