WASHINGTON, DC – The Obama administration is urging Congress to pass sweeping new legislation that would provide new benefits to many Americans: The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA). The AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates for the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambitions.
“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA). “We can no longer stand by and allow people of inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a longstanding policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the nation’s single largest employer of persons of inability.
Private sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring persons of inability (83%).
Under AWNAA, more than 25 million “middleman” positions will be created with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most inept employees. The legislation provides tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of persons of inability into middle management positions, and gives a tax credit to small businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled — banning, for example, discriminatory job interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills, training, or experience that relate to this job?”
“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Keri Cox, who lost her position as a lug nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey.” With the passage of this bill, Cox and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation, and a good salary for doing so.”