From First Things.
ISU police finally arrest Ange Milner’s ghost
April 1, 2013Written by Steven Barcus | April 1, 2013
NORMAL—Illinois State University Police confirmed Monday that the ghost of former librarian Ange Milner has been arrested on trespassing charges.
For years tales of moving books, mysterious lights, and even being hushed by an ethereal figure in the now abandoned stacks of Williams Hall have fed ghostly rumors—rumors that have proved to be based entirely in truth.
“We are pleased to report that as of this morning we have taken the spirit of Angeline V. Milner into custody,” said Aaron Woodruff, chief of police at Illinois State. “Reports of Ms. Milner’s unauthorized spectral activity led my staff to conduct a month-long sting operation that led to this arrest.”
The stakeout was initiated after a student reported strange activity in Williams Hall.
“I was in Williams Hall taking a shortcut through the stacks,” said Brad Meadows, senior pantomime major. “My phone rang and I took the call. I figured, why not. This place is empty.”
But that ill-fated phone call set off a chain of events leading to the historic arrest. After only moments of talking on his phone, the specter of Milner (1857–1928) appeared before him and shushed him before disappearing.
“It was crazy,” Meadows said. “She just showed up out of nowhere, glowing blue and floating. I don’t know why she shushed me. I was using my inside voice and everything.”
It was during this encounter that the student realized something wasn’t right. At no time did Meadows see a Redbird Card—identification carried by all students, faculty, and staff—in Milner’s possession. He contacted ISU Police, which in turn consulted Human Resources. That is when the shocking truth emerged: Milner had not been considered an employee of Illinois State for years, making her occupation of Williams Hall illegal.
“When employees die they are no longer eligible to be employed by the state. That’s human resources 101,” said Tina Lufty, assistant to the vice director of employment services for the state of Illinois. “The state is an equal opportunity employer encouraging diversity, but we do require every employee to have a heartbeat.”
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chuckles, circus of life, school daze | 
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Posted by Bob
Survivor, Texas Style
February 20, 2013From my pal Teresa in Forth Worth:
Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” TV show, Texas is planning to do one entitled “Survivor – Texas Style.”
The contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally, back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:
1. “I’m a Democrat”
2. “Amnesty for Illegals”
3. “I Love The Dixie Chicks”
4. “Boycott Beef”
5. “I Voted for Obama”
6. “George Strait Sucks”
7. “Re-elect Obama in 2016″
8. “Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor”
9. “Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born”
10. “I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer”
11. “Barney Frank Is My Hero”
12. “I Side with Jane Fonda”
13. “It’s Bush’s Fault”
14. “Islam Is a Peace-Loving Religion”
15. “I’m Here to Confiscate Your Guns”
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
5 Comments | chuckles, circus of life, political snark | Permalink
Posted by Bob
Why you should check your kid’s homework
February 10, 2013Miss Smith asked her second graders to draw a picture showing what they wanted to be when they grew up. Madeleine Martin, seven years old, turned in this drawing:
Miss Smith was shocked. She sent a note home to the girl’s mother asking for clarification.
The following day the teacher received this reply:
Dear Miss Smith,
I wish to assure you that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot, and I told Madeleine how hectic it was last week right before the big blizzard hit. We thought we’d sold every snow shovel we had in stock, but then I found one more in the back room, and several customers were fighting over who would get it. Madeleine’s drawing doesn’t show me dancing around a pole. It shows me selling the last snow shovel Home Depot had. From now on I will check her homework more carefully before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Martin
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Posted by Bob
Blizzard claims another victim
February 9, 2013When the guys got together for poker on Friday night, one of the regulars was missing.
“Where’s Frank?” Charlie asked.
“In the hospital,” Joe said. “He had a heart attack.”
“Holy crap!” Hank said. “How’d that happen?”
“It was that blizzard we had,” Joe said. “Frank’s doctor warned him his heart was weak, and he had to avoid all strenuous activity. He said absolutely no snow shoveling.”
“Guess Frank didn’t listen,” George said.
“Sure he listened,” Joe said. “Frank’s no dummy.”
“So what happened?” Charlie asked.
“Well,” Joe said, “when we had all that snow yesterday, Frank didn’t know what to do. His wife can’t shovel ’cause she’s got a bad back, and Frank can’t shovel ’cause he’s got a bad heart, and they can’t afford to buy a snowblower. Then that lazy good-for-nothing teenage son of theirs suddenly pipes up, ‘Don’t worry, Mom and Dad — from now on I’ll do all the shoveling.’ Frank had a heart attack on the spot.”
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Posted by Bob
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be
January 11, 2013Back when I was a little kid, my mama used to send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I’d come home with two loaves of bread, a bottle of milk, a sack of oranges, a box of cereal, a bunch of bananas, and a dozen eggs. Can’t do that today. Too many flippin’ security cameras.
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Posted by Bob
Famous celebrity goes into therapy; said to be suffering from intractable guilt and remorse
December 29, 2012
1 Comment | animal crackers, chuckles, circus of life | Permalink
Posted by Bob
The 12 thank-you notes of Christmas
December 26, 2012An oldie but goodie.
Dec. 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise! That sweet little partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic gift! Thank you, and bless you.
Your deeply loving
Emily
Dec. 26
My beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I’m so touched and grateful!
With undying love,
Emily
Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely.
Your devoted
Emily
Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly — they make telephoning almost impossible — but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course.
Love,
Emily
Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to wring their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. She’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily
Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily
Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS! This morning I woke up to find seven swans, all trying to get into our goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, STOP!
Emily
Jan. 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows? Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing.
Emily
Jan. 2
Look here, Edward, this has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. The village just isn’t accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos cavorting round the green, and it’s Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do less and less, kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily
Jan. 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile, the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
Jan. 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you’re satisfied.
Jan. 5
Sir:
My client, Miss Emily Wellington, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:00 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Symphony Orchestra, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
Yours faithfully,
Samuel Edelstein, attorney-at-law
3 Comments | chuckles, circus of life, comfort & joy | Permalink
Posted by Bob
Office party
December 7, 2012December 7
To: All Employees
I’m happy to announce that the company Christmas party will take place on December 21 at Billy Bob’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and the River City Ramblers Bluegrass Band will be playing traditional Christmas carols. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 10
To: All Employees
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. So from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa. There will be no Christmas tree and no Santa Claus, and no Christmas carols will be sung. Happy holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 12
To: All Employees
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request; but don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t be anonymous anymore.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 14
To: All Employees
I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gay men may sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 17
To: All Employees
Vegetarians! I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this party at Billy Bob’s Open Pit whether you like it or not! You can just sit at the table farthest from the “Grill of Death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right now! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, y’all hear me?
Patty Lewis
The Bitch from Hell
December 19
To: All Employees
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her nervous breakdown. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the psych ward at St. Luke’s Hospital. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 21st off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Jones
Acting Human Resources Director
3 Comments | chuckles, circus of life, comfort & joy | Permalink
Posted by Bob
Oh shoot!
February 12, 2013A California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was discovered that he owned more than a hundred guns and had hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition stored in his home. A local newspaper referred to it as a “massive weapons cache.”
In California, someone owning that many guns is labeled “mentally unstable.”
If he lived in Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector.”
In Oklahoma, he’d be called “a novice gun collector.”
In Utah, he’d be called “moderately well prepared,” although they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had stockpiled a corresponding quantity of food.
In Montana, he’d be called “the neighborhood ‘go-to’ guy.”
In Idaho, he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate.”
In Wyoming, he’d be called “an eligible bachelor.”
In Texas, he’d be called “a hunting buddy.”