Well, I had to go get my surprised face out of storage when I heard that the FBI was surveilling the U.S. with drones. I wish I’d invested all my money in surprised faces, because the demand for them is sure to skyrocket when this news gets out…
(caution: crude language)
Rep. John Dingell (D-MI) is now the longest-serving member of Congress in history. As of last Friday, he surpassed the previous longevity record, which had been set by Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia. Dingell took office on December 14, 1955 after winning a special election to fill the seat his father had held for more than 20 years.
The Bard of Murdock comments:
While others pause to praise the man
Who’s given sixty years,
We might recall what he has wrought
Before we join the cheers.
An advocate for government,
With bureaucratic heart,
In every regulation passed
Our John has played a part.
The EPA, the FDA,
And now Obamacare!
For every bit of overreach
Our Dingell has been there.
And how he prospers through the years
While moving up in rank;
The latest calculations show
Five million in the bank.
For us, the hand of government.
For him, a fortune gained.
Forgive me if my accolades
Might seem a bit restrained.
While Johnny pauses to reflect
And hear his life acclaimed,
For what he’s done with sixty years
He ought to be ashamed.
Copyright 2013 by The Bard of Murdock. Used with permission.
Via The Borowitz Report:
WASHINGTON—President Obama used his weekly radio address on Saturday to reassure the American people that he has “played no role whatsoever” in the U.S. government over the past four years.
“Right now, many of you are angry at the government, and no one is angrier than I am,” he said. “Quite frankly, I am glad that I have had no involvement in such an organization.”
The President’s outrage only increased, he said, when he “recently became aware of a part of that government called the Department of Justice.”
“The more I learn about the activities of these individuals, the more certain I am that I would not want to be associated with them,” he said. “They sound like bad news.”
Mr. Obama closed his address by indicating that beginning next week he would enforce what he called a “zero tolerance policy on governing.”
“If I find that any members of my Administration have had any intimate knowledge of, or involvement in, the workings of the United States government, they will be dealt with accordingly,” he said.
By Andy Borowitz.