A Mothers’ Day classic.
PREGNANCY
1st baby: You start wearing maternity clothes as soon as you have a positive pregnancy test.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as you can squeeze into them.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH
1st baby: You practice your breathing exercises religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother, because you learned the hard way that the breathing exercises don’t help.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
BABY’S WARDROBE
1st baby: You pre-wash all the baby clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold and store them neatly.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and throw out only the ones with the worst stains.
3rd baby: A few boxes of disposable diapers and a small stack of hand-me-down t-shirts will do the trick.
AT HOME
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby in rapt wonder.
2nd baby: You spend a good bit of every day checking to see that your firstborn isn’t poking, hitting, strangling, or suffocating the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
HANDLING A FUSSY BABY
1st baby: You pick the baby up the second he whimpers.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his wails threaten to wake his older sibling.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to wind up the mechanical swing.
PACIFIER
1st baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you don’t give it back until you’ve sterilized it in boiling water.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you don’t give it back until you’ve run it under the faucet.
3rd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you pick it up, wipe it on your sleeve, and pop it back in.
DIAPERS
1st baby: You change the baby’s diaper every hour whether he needs it or not.
2nd baby: You change the baby’s diaper every three or four hours… maybe.
3rd baby: You change the baby’s diaper when it starts sagging down to his knees.
PHOTOGRAPHS
1st baby: Thousands, carefully organized in lovely photo albums.
2nd baby: Hundreds, haphazardly arranged in discount store photo albums.
3rd baby: Dozens, stored in shoeboxes on a shelf until someone has time to do something with them.
ACTIVITIES
1st baby: You take the baby to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swimming Classes, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take the baby to Baby Story Hour.
3rd baby: You take the baby to the grocery store, the drug store, and your older children’s Pee Wee Soccer games.
BABYSITTERS
1st baby: The first time you leave the baby with a sitter, you call home every half hour to make sure everything is all right.
2nd baby: When you have a sitter, you leave a number where you can be reached in an emergency.
3rd baby: You leave a number, but tell the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
FOREIGN OBJECTS
1st child: When your child swallows a coin, you rush him to the emergency room for x-rays.
2nd child: When your child swallows a coin, you wait and watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When your child swallows a coin, you say, “That’s coming out of your allowance.”
Posted by Bob 
What a difference half a century makes
March 5, 2013SCENARIO: Jack pulls into the school parking lot with his rifle in the gun rack of his pickup.
1963: Vice principal comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle to show Jack. They swap hunting stories until the bell rings for school to begin.
2013: School goes into lockdown, FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in for traumatized students and teachers.
SCENARIO: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1963: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2013: Police are called, SWAT team arrives, Johnny and Mark are arrested. Both are charged with assault and expelled from school.
SCENARIO: Jimmy won’t sit still, distracts other students, and disrupts the class.
1963: Jimmy is sent to the principal’s office and threatened with bodily harm if he doesn’t sit still in class. Jimmy sits still in class.
2013: Jimmy is given huge doses of Ritalin and becomes a zombie. His school gets extra money from state because Jimmy has a disability.
SCENARIO: Billy breaks a window in his father’s car and his dad gives him a spanking.
1963: Billy is more careful, grows up normal, and becomes a successful businessman.
2013: Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy’s sister is persuaded by a state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Their mother ends up on public assistance.
SCENARIO: Mike has a headache, so he takes some aspirin with him to school.
1963: Mike takes aspirin, feels better, and does well in school. He shares some of his aspirin with his friend Nick, whose muscles are sore after gym class.
2013: Police are called. Mike is expelled from school for drug dealing.
SCENARIO: Pedro fails high school English.
1963: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, graduates from high school, goes to technical college, and gets a good job.
2013: Pedro’s cause is taken up by the state. Democrat legislators charge that making mastery of English a requirement for graduation is racist. English is banished from the core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma, but he ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.
SCENARIO: Bobby takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant hill.
1963: Ants die.
2013: BATF, DHS, and FBI are called. Bobby is charged with domestic terrorism, his parents are investigated, Bobby and his siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Bobby’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
SCENARIO: Joey falls on the playground during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher finds him crying. She hugs him to comfort him.
1963: Joey feels better, stops crying, continues playing.
2013: The teacher is accused of child sexual abuse and loses her job. She serves ten years in state prison. Because of her criminal record, she can’t get another job when she is released from prison, and she ends up on public assistance for the rest of her life.