Well, I had to go get my surprised face out of storage when I heard that the FBI was surveilling the U.S. with drones. I wish I’d invested all my money in surprised faces, because the demand for them is sure to skyrocket when this news gets out…
Via The Borowitz Report:
WASHINGTON—President Obama used his weekly radio address on Saturday to reassure the American people that he has “played no role whatsoever” in the U.S. government over the past four years.
“Right now, many of you are angry at the government, and no one is angrier than I am,” he said. “Quite frankly, I am glad that I have had no involvement in such an organization.”
The President’s outrage only increased, he said, when he “recently became aware of a part of that government called the Department of Justice.”
“The more I learn about the activities of these individuals, the more certain I am that I would not want to be associated with them,” he said. “They sound like bad news.”
Mr. Obama closed his address by indicating that beginning next week he would enforce what he called a “zero tolerance policy on governing.”
“If I find that any members of my Administration have had any intimate knowledge of, or involvement in, the workings of the United States government, they will be dealt with accordingly,” he said.
By Andy Borowitz.
… so I spent my last food stamp on this.
The community organizer in chief held an outdoor press conference today with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan. For some inexplicable reason, either no one bothered to check the weather forecast, or they knew rain was likely and decided to go ahead and hold their presser outdoors anyway. When rain started to fall on the two of them, Obama summoned two U.S. Marines armed with umbrellas to come and protect them. That’s right: the jackass who couldn’t be bothered to send any of our guys to rescue the Americans who were under attack in Benghazi last September asks the Marines to come hold umbrellas over his head and that of the Turkish prime minister so they wouldn’t have to deal with a few pesky raindrops. The Marines, of course, got soaked, but those military guys are tough. Still, I can’t help wondering why Barry didn’t just ask them if he could borrow their umbrellas, since he obviously lacked the foresight to bring his own. Is the most powerful man in the world so helpless that he can’t even be expected to hold his own umbrella? Apparently so.
UPDATE: A White House insider who wishes to remain anonymous has informed bluebird of bitterness that due to the sequester, the staffer in charge of checking weather forecasts was furloughed.
UPDATE #2: A friend reminds me that Barack Obama’s problematic relationship with umbrellas goes back a long way; apparently he never learned how to operate one properly. Here’s just one example of what happens when he doesn’t have the Marines around to rescue him: