Via The Borowitz Report:
WASHINGTON—President Obama used his weekly radio address on Saturday to reassure the American people that he has “played no role whatsoever” in the U.S. government over the past four years.
“Right now, many of you are angry at the government, and no one is angrier than I am,” he said. “Quite frankly, I am glad that I have had no involvement in such an organization.”
The President’s outrage only increased, he said, when he “recently became aware of a part of that government called the Department of Justice.”
“The more I learn about the activities of these individuals, the more certain I am that I would not want to be associated with them,” he said. “They sound like bad news.”
Mr. Obama closed his address by indicating that beginning next week he would enforce what he called a “zero tolerance policy on governing.”
“If I find that any members of my Administration have had any intimate knowledge of, or involvement in, the workings of the United States government, they will be dealt with accordingly,” he said.
By Andy Borowitz.
… so I spent my last food stamp on this.
The community organizer in chief held an outdoor press conference today with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan. For some inexplicable reason, either no one bothered to check the weather forecast, or they knew rain was likely and decided to go ahead and hold their presser outdoors anyway. When rain started to fall on the two of them, Obama summoned two U.S. Marines armed with umbrellas to come and protect them. That’s right: the jackass who couldn’t be bothered to send any of our guys to rescue the Americans who were under attack in Benghazi last September asks the Marines to come hold umbrellas over his head and that of the Turkish prime minister so they wouldn’t have to deal with a few pesky raindrops. The Marines, of course, got soaked, but those military guys are tough. Still, I can’t help wondering why Barry didn’t just ask them if he could borrow their umbrellas, since he obviously lacked the foresight to bring his own. Is the most powerful man in the world so helpless that he can’t even be expected to hold his own umbrella? Apparently so.
UPDATE: A White House insider who wishes to remain anonymous has informed bluebird of bitterness that due to the sequester, the staffer in charge of checking weather forecasts was furloughed.
UPDATE #2: A friend reminds me that Barack Obama’s problematic relationship with umbrellas goes back a long way; apparently he never learned how to operate one properly. Here’s just one example of what happens when he doesn’t have the Marines around to rescue him:
“If you asked me whether I thought card-carrying members of the Socialist Democratic Party would, by way of their bureaucratic surrogates, use the IRS and other government agencies to target groups with the name ‘Patriot,’ I would have said, ‘Of course.’ If you asked me whether I thought they would get caught at it, I would have said ‘No,’ because they’re smart enough to use ‘cutouts’ between their office and the bureaucrats committing the offense.
“Cutouts are bureaucratic managers who act as surrogates to do the political bidding of elected officials. They are blamed and sacrificed for the ‘good of the cause,’ in order to protect (read: ‘provide plausible deniability for’) elected officials who feign outrage and indignation at the violation of law in support of their political agenda. When the president of the United States is the elected official behind a culture of corruption and abuse of power, the layers of cutouts make it nearly impossible to find impeachable evidence of executive collusion.
“Needless to say, Barack Obama and his black-bag dirty tricks team learned well from their Democrat predecessors, FDR, JFK and Clinton, how to use the Internal Revenue Service to harass their opponents. But they also learned a few things from Richard Nixon about the importance of using cutouts. Nixon resigned to avoid impeachment after being caught on tape discussing the Watergate burglary with key staffers, where today those staffers would never directly discuss such abuse of power with a sitting president.’ ―Mark Alexander
“IRS officials refused to grant tax exempt status to two pro-life organizations because of their position on the abortion issue, according to a non-profit law firm, which said that one group was pressured not to protest a pro-choice organization that endorsed President Obama during the last election.
“‘In one case, the IRS withheld approval of an application for tax exempt status for Coalition for Life of Iowa. In a phone call to Coalition for Life of Iowa leaders on June 6, 2009, the IRS agent ‘Ms. Richards’ told the group to send a letter to the IRS with the entire board’s signatures stating that, under perjury of the law, they do not picket/protest or organize groups to picket or protest outside of Planned Parenthood,” the Thomas More Society announced today. ‘Once the IRS received this letter, their application would be approved.’” ―Joel Gehrke
“Jay Carney, whose unenviable job is not to explain but to explain away what his employers say, calls the IRS’s behavior ‘inappropriate.’ No, using the salad fork for the entree is inappropriate. Using the Internal Revenue Service for political purposes is a criminal offense. …
“Episodes like this separate the meritorious liberals from the meretricious. The day after the IRS story broke, The Post led the paper with it, and, with an institutional memory of Watergate, published a blistering editorial demanding an Obama apology. The New York Times consigned the story to page 10 (its front-page lead was the umpteenth story about the end of the world being nigh because of global warming). Through Monday, the Times had expressed no editorial thoughts about the IRS. The Times’s Monday headline on the matter was: ‘IRS Focus on Conservatives Gives GOP an Issue to Seize On.’ So that is the danger.
“If Republicans had controlled both houses of Congress in 1973, Nixon would have completed his term. If Democrats controlled both today, the Obama administration’s lawlessness would go uninvestigated. Not even divided government is safe government, but it beats the alternative.” ―George Will
“While they pretend to champion privacy rights, top left-wing operatives have routinely ransacked and plundered through the private documents and personal records of conservative groups, business owners and public figures. … During the Clinton years, senior IRS official Paul Breslan revealed that the administration’s auditors specifically targeted conservative critics. On the hit list: Judicial Watch, Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers, the National Rifle Association, The National Review, The American Spectator, Freedom Alliance, National Center for Public Policy Research, Citizens Against Government Waste, Concerned Women for America, and the San Diego Chapter of Christian Coalition. Steven Miller, one of the Clinton IRS agents who helped conduct those witch hunts in the 1990s, is currently the head of the Obama IRS department that has now admitted it discriminated against tea party groups. Jackboot history repeats itself.” ―Michelle Malkin
“Any attack on the credibility of the IRS matters because soon enough, it will be forcing us to buy things, as well as regulating speech. Obamacare’s unprecedented expansion tasks the IRS as dispenser of the ‘penalty’ coercing Americans to partake in a collective health insurance scheme — and discerning the intent of more than 40 new taxes, to boot. This will be handled by the same fine organization that was recently hit with a class action suit alleging it improperly accessed and stole the health records of some 10 million Americans — some 60 million medical records, including psychological counseling, gynecological counseling, sexual/drug treatment and other medical treatment data.” ―David Harsanyi
“David Plouffe told National Journal’s Ron Fournier that the IRS misdeeds did not really matter because Obama opponents were able to spend plenty of money. But they would have been able to spend more absent the IRS misconduct. Some tea partiers decided to fold up shop rather than face an extended IRS inquiry. Others ran up big legal bills.
“The fact is that the targeting of tea party groups by the IRS helped Democrats win elections. It’s hard not to believe that at least some IRS employees intended it to have that effect. Those who leaked confidential information certainly did so.” ―Michael Barone
For further enlightenment:
Jon Stewart Destroys Obama Over IRS Scandal (warning: crude language)
“The problem with telling a lie, or even a succession of lies, is that a very small dose of the truth can sometimes make the whole thing collapse like a house of cards. The State Department’s own foreign service officer Gregory Hicks was in Libya during the attack, so he knew the truth. When threats were not enough to silence him, it was then necessary to try to discredit him. After years of getting glowing job evaluations, and awards of honors from the State Department for his work in various parts of the world, Mr. Hicks suddenly began to get bad job evaluations and was demoted to a desk job in Washington after he spoke with a Congressman about what he knew. The truth is dangerous to liars.” ―Thomas Sowell
“As Mr. Hicks testified, his superiors in Washington knew early that night that a well-executed terrorist attack with the possible participation of al-Qaeda elements was under way. Instead of responding, the most powerful figures in the government decided that an unseen YouTube video better served their political needs. And, in the most revealing glimpse of the administration’s depravity, the president and secretary of state peddled the lie even in their mawkish eulogies to their buddy ‘Chris’ and three other dead Americans. They lied to the victims’ coffins and then strolled over to lie to the bereaved, Hillary telling the Woods family that ‘we’re going to have that person arrested and prosecuted that did the video.’ And she did. The government dispatched more firepower to arrest Nakoula Basseley Nakoula in Los Angeles than it did to protect its mission in Benghazi. It was such a great act of misdirection Hillary should have worn spangled tights and sawn Stevens’s casket in half.” ―Mark Steyn
“The Obama administration undoubtedly understood that its decision to leave defenseless Americans, including our ambassador, to needlessly die at the hands of al-Qaeda-linked jihadists would not go over well for a commander-in-chief in the throes of a presidential election and a secretary of state angling for the Oval Office in 2016. Hicks’ testimony affirmed suspicions that administration officials conspired to conceal the nature of the attack by concocting an absolutely fictitious account of events involving a ‘spontaneous’ attack prompted by an anti-Islam YouTube video. Hicks testified that he had personally told former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton that the Benghazi raid was a terrorist attack at 2 a.m. that same night. He recounted that ‘everybody in the mission’ believed it was an act of terror ‘from the get-go,’ a reality echoed by Libyan President Mohammed al-Magariaf, who said his government had ‘no doubt that this was pre-planned, predetermined.’ Magariaf made this assertion the very day before UN ambassador Susan Rice went out to peddle the lie that a ‘spontaneous demonstration’ had gotten out of hand due to an Internet video. When Hicks heard Rice, he was appalled. ‘My jaw dropped, and I was embarrassed,’ he said.” ―Arnold Ahlert
“It remains little short of astonishing that the administration made no contingency plans for trouble in the terrorist hotbed of Benghazi on the anniversary of 9/11. Were they afraid news of such preparation would leak out, jeopardizing Obama’s ‘all is well in Libya’ political narrative? Hicks said he was eager to see Special Forces units arrive, ‘because we had already essentially stripped ourselves of our security presence, or our security capability to the bare minimum.’ As [Sharyl] Attkisson observes, ‘The account from Gregory Hicks is in stark contrast to assertions from the Obama administration, which insisted that nobody was ever told to stand down and that all available resources were utilized.’” ―John Hayward
“Special operations forces were told, twice, by their chain of command not to board aircraft to Benghazi to rescue the Americans then under attack. The U.S. deputy diplomat, Greg Hicks, testified that the military commander, Lt. Col. Gibson, had his team ready to go twice. They were on the runway about to board a flight to Benghazi in the middle of the attack. They were ordered to stand down and remain in Tripoli to receive wounded who would be coming out of Benghazi. One of the orders came in the middle of the attack, the other came toward the end after Hicks’ team had traveled from Tripoli to Benghazi. The fact that Hicks’ team was able get to Benghazi before the end of the assault strongly suggests that the special operations team could have made a real difference.
“At the same time, the State Department’s commander on the scene, Hicks, ordered his personnel into Benghazi and went there himself. Hicks testified that Gibson never told him who issued the stand-down orders. He commented that Gibson told him that the military stand-down was a shock: ‘This is the first time in my career that a diplomat has more balls than someone in the military.’” ―Bryan Preston
“By the time the 11th anniversary of 9/11 rolled around, the stage was set for disaster. Not only had the Obama administration and Hillary Clinton’s State Department not prepared one of its most-vulnerable diplomatic outposts for a terrorist attack on the anniversary of al Qaeda’s greatest success, they had reduced security and ignored the pleas of their own ambassador to Libya, Chris Stevens. … Only after more than a week had passed would the Obama administration admit what had been painfully obvious: Al Qaeda-affiliated terrorists had staged a coordinated attack on the consulate and another on a safe house a few hours later, and an amateurish YouTube video had nothing to do with it.” ―Edward Morrissey
“Obama and Clinton have insisted that they did everything they could to help the Americans besieged in Libya; they just couldn’t get help to them in time. That’s simply untrue. But even if that were true, it would still be a self-serving falsehood.
“If you see a child struggling in the ocean, you have no idea how long she will flail and paddle before she goes under for the last time. The moral response is to swim for her in the hope that you get there in time. If you fail and she dies, you can console yourself that you did your best to rescue her. But if you just stand on the beach and do nothing as the child struggles for life, saying, ‘Well, there’s just no way I can get to her in time,’ it doesn’t really matter whether you guessed right or not. You didn’t try.
“The White House and State Department insist they guessed right, as if that somehow absolves them of responsibility. They would have sent help if they could have, they claim, but they simply weren’t ready to deploy forces on Sept. 11, the one day of the year you’d expect our military and intelligence agencies to be ready for trouble in the Middle East, particularly given that before his murder, Stevens warned of security problems in Benghazi.
“But we know the administration ordered others who were willing, able and obliged to come to the consulate’s rescue to ‘stand down.’ They in effect told the lifeguards, ‘Don’t get out of your chairs.’ Though an unmanned drone was there to capture the whole thing on video, which must have been reassuring as the mortar rounds rained down.” ―Jonah Goldberg
For further enlightenment: