My opinion offended you? You should hear the ones I keep to myself!
A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
The town where I grew up was so small that we didn’t even have a village idiot. We had to take turns.
“Buffet” is French for “get it yourself.”
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
When a habit begins to cost money, it’s called a hobby.
Why do I carry a gun? Because I’d get a hernia carrying a cop.
My generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we’re old, they tell us to listen to the children.
Everything fits when you pound it with a sledgehammer.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from Hell.
Misuse of “literally” makes me figuratively insane.
Never try to drown your sorrows. They can swim.
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That’s why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
A gun is like a parachute. If you need one but don’t have it, you’ll probably never need one again.
A positive attitude may not solve your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Resistance is not futile. It’s voltage divided by current.
Nothing is impossible to a man who doesn’t have to do it.
Never allow a tobacco-chewing dyslexic near your “tips” jar.
On the Internet you can be anything you want. Why do so many people choose to be stupid?
Last week someone stole my identity. Today they showed up at my door and pleaded with me to take it back.
Have you heard of the new online dating service eHonesty? You fill out a detailed profile, and they tell you why nobody will want you.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My memory is so bad that I changed my password to “incorrect.” That way when I enter the wrong one, it’ll tell me, “Your password is incorrect.”
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
I can’t believe it’s 2013 and there’s still no “fold” button on my dryer.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road you put the stuff.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition, do not expect a warning shot. Thank you for understanding.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies.
Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.
Scientists say the universe consists of protons, electrons, and neutrons. They forgot to mention morons.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Multi-tasking: screwing up several things at the same time.
When someone asks “What would Jesus do?” remind them that freaking out and flipping tables is a viable option.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege.
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
A lot of pessimists got that way from financing optimists.
I said I have a can-do attitude; I never said I had a will-do attitude.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
When they come for your guns and ammo, let them have the ammo first.
To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
I’m so old that when I went to school, history was called current events.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Conventions demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
I’ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
If more sane people were armed, the crazy people would get off fewer shots.
Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either.
To keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that ignores him.
Never corner anything meaner than you.
You know you’re getting old when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here. If you have already abandoned hope, please disregard this message.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing.
If you’re going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
Parents talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Never read the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.
I have CDO. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.
Teach your kids the value of a dollar, and they’ll demand their allowances in gold.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, middle age just looks tired.
Never try to outwit a woman unless you are one.
Gravity: It’s not just a good idea. It’s the law.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
If you can’t learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
I have multiple personalities and none of them like you.
If you’re happy and you know it, go away.
My computer beats me at chess. I beat it at kickboxing.
Even if the voices aren’t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
If you’re not part of the solution, there’s money to be made in prolonging the problem.
Junk is stuff we throw away. Stuff is junk we keep.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Sixty-three percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I live in my own little world, but it’s okay, they know me here.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
Just say “no” to negativity.
A misogynist is a man who views women the way women do.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Marxism is the opiate of intellectuals.
I don’t think of them as hot flashes. I think of them as my inner child playing with matches.
My idea of rebooting is to kick someone in the butt twice.
That which does not kill me only postpones the inevitable.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits.
Some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
There cannot be a crisis this week—my schedule is already full.
Where there’s a will, there’s an inheritance tax.
I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
The only thing more overrated than natural childbirth is the joy of owning your own business.
I’m going crazy. Want to come along?
Silence is golden. Unless you have a preschooler, then silence is suspicious.
I don’t understand how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, how do they not hear the music?
There are two ways to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
I have OCD and ADD. So everything has to be perfect, but not for very long.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
As long as there are final exams, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don’t like making plans for the day, because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
You’re just jealous because the voices talk only to me.
Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I charged it
Don’t question authority—they don’t know either.
I’m on the endangered species waiting list.
I have a degree in philosophy. WHY do you want fries with that?
Sarcasm is the mind’s natural defense against stupidity.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
Television can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
The difference between the pope and your boss is that the pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning — one brilliant flash and it’s gone.
Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing all day!
If you can’t stand the heat, don’t tickle the dragon.
I don’t expect to have everything handed to me. Just set it down wherever.
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
If I had to choose between freedom of speech and my gun, I’d choose my gun. Then I’d say whatever the hell I want, because I have a gun.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I’m not short. I’m fun size.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It’s always darkest just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Welcome to the Hokey Pokey Clinic: the place to turn yourself around.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
If you lend someone $50, and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is NEVER putting it in a fruit salad.
Getting old doesn’t make you forgetful. Having too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful.
A woman’s work is never done. So why bother?
If you think you’re too small to make a difference, you’ve never had a mosquito in your bedroom.
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
I used to watch golf on TV until my doctor told me that I need more exercise. Now I watch tennis.
My parents want me to have the things they didn’t have when they were kids, like straight A’s on every report card.
Never let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.
Help a man when he’s in trouble and he will remember you the next time he’s in trouble.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re running about average.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
One half of the world doesn’t understand the other half, and it doesn’t matter which half you’re in.
When dining with chess players, never use a checkered tablecloth. It could take them hours to pass the salt.
Never forget that golf was invented as a game by the same people who invented bagpipes for music.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet Him.
Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.
Non sequiturs are like bicycles. They don’t bathe.
No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worth it.
The economy must be bad. I just bought a new toaster and they threw in a bank as a gift.
The first testicular guard was used in hockey in 1874. The first helmet was used in 1974. In other words, it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can’t stand you away from the folks who are undecided.
I put all my money into taxes. That’s the only thing that’s sure to go up.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. Now she has six kids but doesn’t really care.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
I know where I am. I’ve been lost here before.
As soon as I get a grip on reality, I’m going to choke it.
The economy is so bad that in today’s mail I got a pre-declined credit card application.
There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
There are three ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself. 2. Hire someone to do it. 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.
Take my advice. I don’t use it anyway.
Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up.
Children are natural mimics; they act like us in spite of our attempts to teach them good manners.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: take two and keep away from children.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you look like your passport picture, you’re not well enough to travel.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
If all else fails, stop using all else.
My son is an honor student at the state correctional facility.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Mapquest should start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
I am a bomb squad technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
Sometimes I feel as if the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
I lost my mood ring today. I don’t know how I feel about losing it.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Madness takes a toll. Please have exact change.
It’s almost impossible to overestimate the unimportance of most things.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time.
I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I’m on the last one.
Writer’s block: when your imaginary friends won’t talk to you.
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
Home is where you can say whatever you want because no one listens to you anyway.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
My Internet connection went down for 4 straight minutes. I’m all right, but the 911 operator was a total jerk about it.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
No sense being pessimistic; it probably won’t work anyway.
Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
In life you are given two ends, one to think with and the other to sit on. Your success depends on which end you use most: heads you win, tails you lose.
With HDTV everything looks bigger and wider — kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.
Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally.
Some people won’t suffer in silence because that would take all the fun out of it.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Love might not make the world go ’round, but it sure makes a lot of people dizzy.
The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.
The real reason large families benefit society is that at least a few of the children in the world shouldn’t be raised by beginners.
You know you’ve met a good tax accountant when you find one who has a loophole named after him.
My people skills are just fine, but my tolerance for idiots could use some work.
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
A new report says that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.
People say I’m weird, but I’m just practicing to become eccentric.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.