hot cross puns

Several of the attendees at a chess masters convention were loitering in the hotel lobby, bragging about their past victories. The hotel manager came over and asked them to disperse. When they wanted to know why, he informed them that the hotel rules strictly prohibited chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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Everyone knows about William Tell’s accomplishments as an archer. However, historians have recently learned that in addition to archery, Tell also excelled at bowling, a sport he participated in regularly with his wife and children. But sadly, all the league records have been lost, so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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A zoo was getting a new wildebeest, but the animal arrived earlier than expected, before its cage was ready. The crew that was supposed to lay the floor tiles was due to arrive the next morning, but for the moment, all the tiles were stacked in a corner of the cage. Still, there was no place else to put the wildebeest, so into the cage it went. The zookeeper gave it some supper and made sure it had fresh water, then left it there for the night. In the morning he returned to see how the animal was faring, and he was astonished to see that all the floor tiles had been neatly laid. The other zoo staffers all denied knowing anything about it. The wildebeest appeared to be perfectly healthy and normal, so the zookeeper was forced to conclude that it was just a typical gnu, and tiler, too.

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A musician on a cruise ship had trouble keeping time with the rest of the orchestra. Finally, the conductor said, “Look, either you learn to keep time or I’m going to throw you overboard. It’s up to you — sync or swim.”

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Three young Indian braves got married, and each built a teepee for his new bride. The first made a teepee from antelope hide, the second made a teepee from buffalo hide, and the third made a teepee from hippopotamus hide. Nine months later, the squaw in the antelope teepee had a baby boy, the squaw in the buffalo teepee had a baby girl, and the squaw in the hippopotamus teepee had twins — which only goes to show that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

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A single mother with three young children had to juggle several part-time jobs while attending college to get her degree. She managed to survive it all with the help of an espresso machine given to her by a sympathetic friend. After four years of heroic effort, she graduated, summa cum latte.

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A teddy bear was working on a construction site. He took a lunch break, and when he returned, he found that his pick had been stolen. The bear was upset and reported the theft to the foreman. The foreman said, “Oh, I forgot to tell you — today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he steps up onto a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

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See also:

A touching little story from Yugoslavia

Hooked on phonics

News from across the pond

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