NATO officer unsure if briefer is British or just brain damaged

September 6, 2014

From The Duffel Blog; bowdlerization by bluebird of bitterness.

BRUSSELS, Belgium — Lt. Col. Dave Birdsong has spent the last two hours sitting in a briefing, unsure whether the presenter is British or brain damaged.

Birdsong is not alone: Many of the attendees are flabbergasted about whether the officer giving the brief has some sort of mental deficiency or is simply from England, Duffel Blog has learned.

“When he says the American military forces have ‘quite good kit, Bob’s your uncol,’ is that just a regional idiom, or might I need to summon medical help?” Birdsong asked reporters. “If he’s having a stroke, I want to help. But Brits frequently talk nonsense like that, so I’m not totally certain.”

Birdsong’s fellow officers are similarly unclear about whether the presenter, Leftenant Nathanial Bumbershoot, is extremely British or he possibly has a clinical mental disorder. And they also wonder whether there is a difference.

“Listen to this,” whispers Ensign Allison Janney. “About five minutes ago, he said ‘unless you’re taking the mick, I say this is a bollocks-all something something footie match.’ Who the f**k talks like that if they aren’t experiencing a brain bleed?”

“That’s nothing,” interjected Sgt. Maj. Bob O’Hoolihan, leaning in to whisper. “Last week he gave a brief where, I swear, he spent about thirty minutes comparing the current Israel mess to f**king Quidditch.”

Reached for reaction, Leftenant Bumbershoot was skeptical of the assessment from his critics.

“Wot’s awl this then, guvnah?!” he told reporters, nearly spilling his exquisitely-brewed Earl Grey tea out of his priceless heirloom china teacup. “I aver this is a right proper flim-flam twizzle-twazzle! Let’s have a brew-up and a fag, and nozz it over quite right-like! Blimey! Zounds! Aluminium heliocopter lorry torch lift blarg roundabout!”

“Cor!” he added meaningfully.

At press time, Leftenant Bumbershoot was going out to the parade field to swat with a cudgel at a tiny spheroid, attempting to knock a stick off of some other sticks.

By Dick Scuttlebutt.


Storage solutions for crazy cat ladies

September 4, 2014

Although crazy-cat-ladyhood is not something I ever aspired to, I somehow managed to raise a bunch of kids who were remarkably adept at rescuing strays, but not much good at taking their strays with them when they grew up and moved out of the house. So now I’m an empty nester with a house full of grandcats. I might have to get me one of these nifty cat organizers.

 

 


It’s back-to-school time

September 2, 2014

 


Happy Labor Day

September 1, 2014


Batter up!

August 23, 2014

Between innings, a little league coach took one of his players aside and asked him, “Do you understand what teamwork is?”

“Yes, sir,” said the little boy.

“You understand what cooperation is?” the coach asked. “You understand about things like courtesy, and respect for the rules of the game?”

“Yes, sir,” said the little boy.

“And when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire,” said the coach. “You understand all that?”

“Yes, sir,” said the little boy.

“Good!” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”


Better than the Oregon variety — and cheaper, too

August 23, 2014


Par for the course

August 22, 2014

King Putt has never let business get in the way of his leisure before — why would he begin now?

“He had just hung up the telephone with the devastated parents before heading in front of the cameras. Unusually emotional, President Obama declared himself ‘heartbroken’ by the brutal murder of an American journalist, James Foley, and vowed to ‘be relentless’ against Islamic radicals threatening to kill another American.

“But as soon as the cameras went off, Mr. Obama headed to his favorite golf course on Martha’s Vineyard, where he is on vacation, seemingly able to put the savagery out of his mind. He spent the rest of the afternoon on the links even as a firestorm of criticism erupted over what many saw as a callous indifference to the slaughter he had just condemned. …

“If Mr. Obama hoped to show America’s enemies that they cannot hijack his schedule, he also showed many of his friends in America that he disdains the politics of appearance. He long ago stopped worrying about what critics say, according to aides, and after the outcry over Wednesday’s game, he defied the critics by golfing again on Thursday, his eighth outing in 11 days on the island. …

“Privately, many Democrats shook their heads at what they considered a judgment error. Ezra Klein, editor in chief of the online news site Vox, who is normally sympathetic to Mr. Obama, wrote on Twitter on Wednesday that ‘golfing today is in bad taste.’ The Daily News published a front-page photograph of a grinning president in a golf cart next to a picture of Mr. Foley’s distraught mother and father under the headline, ‘Prez tees off as Foley’s parents grieve.’” –from The New York Times

 

 


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