Someone needs to teach this guy some manners

September 26, 2014

I’m referring not just to his failure to put down his coffee cup before saluting the Marines (or at least switch it to his left hand, which was empty), but also to his exiting the helicopter before his wife. A true gentleman would have allowed the lady to go first.

 


You can look it up

September 26, 2014

abdicate: to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach

algebra: what the Little Mermaid wears

allege: a rocky platform on a mountain

arbitrator: a cook that leaves Arby’s to work at Burger King

arson: our daughter’s brother

avoidable: what a bullfighter tries to do

backward: patient rooms at the rear of a hospital

balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline

baloney: where some hemlines fall

barium: what doctors do when patients die

bassinet: what every fisherman wants

belong: to take your time

benign: what you be after you be eight

bernadette: the act of torching a mortgage

buccaneer: how much a pirate pays for his earrings

burglarize: what a crook sees with

carpet: a dog that enjoys riding in an automobile

cauterize: made eye contact with her

circular definition: see definition, circular

circumvent: opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

coffee: the person upon whom one coughs

condescend: a prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope

control: a short, ugly inmate

copper nitrate: a policeman’s overtime pay

current: fee charged by Rent-A-Mutt

deduce: de lowest card in de deck

diagnostic: someone who is unsure if there are two gods

dilate: live long

document: repeating what your doctor told you in your own words

donkey: object that unlocks door to the godfather’s house

earthquake: topographical error

eclipse: what a gardener does to your hedge

esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk

excommunicated: received a phone call from a former spouse

eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist

falsehood: someone who pretends to be a gangster

fanatic: to ventilate the extreme upper portion of a house

fibula: small lie

fission: what Huck Finn did when he played hooky

flabbergasted: appalled over how much weight one has gained

flatulence: emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

gargoyle: an olive-flavored mouthwash

geometry: what the acorn said when it grew up

grateful: what it takes to build a good fire

ground beef: cow with no legs

handicap: a ready-to-use hat

hangnail: what you hang your coat on

hari-kari: transporting a wig

heroes: what a guy in a boat does

hunger: what the posse did to the lady rustler

hypochondriac: someone who won’t leave well enough alone

hypothesis: what a boy says to his father on the telephone

icing: what I do when I shower

impotent: distinguished, well known

infantry: a newly planted sapling

intense: where campers sleep

irony: opposite of wrinkly

kinship: your sibling’s boat

laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor

laundress: a gown worn while sitting on the grass

left bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

midget: center engine of a three-engine fast plane

minimum: a very small mother

misty: how golfers create divots

morbid: a higher offer than I bid

nacho cheese: cheese that doesn’t belong to you

negligent: a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie

observatory: what George Washington’s spies did

oyster: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms

pandemonium: housing development for pandas

paradise: ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon

paradox: what you need two apples a day to keep away

paralyze: two falsehoods

parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

pharmacist: a helper on the farm

Pokemon: a Jamaican proctologist

Polynesia: memory loss in parrots

primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

protestants: worker ants out to overthrow the queen

rampage: section of a book about male sheep

rectum: darn near killed ‘em

relief: what trees do in the spring

selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does

sherbet: a tip on a horse race or sporting event

stirrup: what you do with cake batter

subdued: a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

subsidy: a town underneath another town

sudafed: brought litigation against a government official

tenure: a year after nineure

terminal illness: getting sick at the airport

testicle: a humorous question on an exam

thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary

tumor: one plus one more

trapezoid: a device for catching zoids

unabated: a fishhook without a worm

understudy: prepare inadequately for an exam

urine: opposite of you’re out

warehouse: what you ask when you’re lost

wholesale: where a gopher goes to buy a home

willy-nilly: impotent


Where Barack Obama was really born

September 24, 2014


Unemployed gender studies major sues patriarchy

September 23, 2014

From The Daily Currant.

An unemployed gender studies major from Eugene, Ore. sued “The Patriarchy” today in federal court for refusing to give her a job.

In a 25-page brief, attorneys for Sarah Miller-Jones, 24, argue that gender discrimination from the patriarchy has prevented their client from finding gainful employment since she graduated from university three years ago.

The suit seeks $2 million in compensation and $139 million in punitive damages, which together equal $1 from every adult man in America.

“Despite the fact that Ms. Miller-Jones graduated with a 2.8 GPA from the prestigious University of Oregon, she has been unable to find a job fitting her qualifications,” the document reads.

“Ms. Miller-Jones has been on unemployment benefits for 18 months. And despite extensive coursework in Zambian feminist hip-hop she has only received six job offers — all of which were for entry-level call center and health care positions.

“It is outrageous that the patriarchy refuses to offer our client a decent career. She has applied for over 20 positions in the recording, publishing and television industries and has been rejected every single time.

“We all know that terms like ‘no experience’ and ‘lack of relevant education’ are codewords the patriarchy uses to keep keep women in their place. But Ms. Miller-Jones refuses to be a housewife or a nurse. She deserves a real job.”

(story continues here)

 


Identity politics: It’s all fun and games…

September 23, 2014

… until someone else’s grievance trumps yours.

 


Middle Eastern card-stacking championship placed on hold again

September 20, 2014

From The Duffel Blog.

DOHA, Qatar — The International Playing Card Stacking Federation announced that its first All Middle East competition will be postponed for the 99th time since it was first announced in 1915, sources confirmed Thursday.

“We sincerely regret postponing this long-awaited competition. Card stacking is an art of patience, precision, and achievement in the face of adversity, values which we believe have great meaning for the Middle East. However, given the current regional situation, we do not believe this an appropriate time for the competition,” said spokesman and international champion card stacker Bryan Berg.

The delay, caused primarily by the rise of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), the ongoing Syrian civil war, and intensified Israel-Palestine conflict, is just the latest in an almost century-long string of delays and postponements since the competition was first proposed by British officer and card-stacking hobbyist Sir Arnold Wilson in 1915.

Previous delays have been caused by a variety of unexpected problems that made it impractical to stage the contest, including the Egyptian Revolution, the Iranian Revolution, the Iraqi Revolution, the Dhofar Rebellion, the Adwan Rebellion, the Ararat Rebellion, the Dersim Rebellion, World Wars 1 and 2, the Arab-Israeli Wars, the Iran-Iraq War, the Anglo-Iraqi War, the Franco-Syrian War, the Saudi-Yemeni War, the Lebanese Civil War, the Syrian Civil War, the Yemeni Civil Wars, the Suez Crisis, the Siege of Mecca, several intifadas, Operation Ajax, Operation Desert Shield, Operation Desert Storm, Operation Iraqi Freedom, the assassination of King Abdullah I of Jordan, the assassination of Anwar Sadat, the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin, the assassination of Rafic Hariri, the assassinations of numerous Iraqi and Iranian prime ministers, the Armenian Genocide, the Assyrian Genocide, several genocides targeting the Kurds and Yazidis, the Semele Massacre, the Hama Massacre, the Mecca Massacre, the bombing of the King David Hotel, the bombing of the Marine barracks in Beirut, a combined total of over 14 coups d’etat, and inclement weather, among other causes.

The delay is especially disappointing as organizers had held out hope as late as yesterday that an appropriately stable venue had been located in Dubai. However, the United Arab Emirates ultimately declined to host the competition, concerned that an additional several dozen tourists staying for a weeklong competition would tax their fresh water production capabilities to the breaking point.

Despite the postponement of the competition, the group’s robust teaching and mentoring of youth throughout the region will continue unaffected.

(story continues here)


Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day

September 19, 2014


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