From The Daily Currant.
Donald Trump has a plan to fight obesity.
During a campaign stop in North Dakota this morning, a reporter from local WNOT-TV News pressed the Republican frontrunner on his plans for fighting America’s growing weight problem.
“I would build a nationwide network of weight loss clinics and I would force Rosie O’Donnell to pay for it,” Trump responded emphatically. “I looked this up the other day, and I couldn’t believe it — Rosie O’Donnell is worth $100 million. How does someone with no talent make that kind of money? But it’s true. And we could do so many great things with that money. Not just weight-loss clinics. But also exercise programs. Community vegetable gardens. Reforming dietary guidelines, so we can teach our kids how to eat properly.
“And frankly I think Rosie should pay for all of this because she’s setting a bad example. She’s gets on TV looking like a taste tester at a donut factory. And women all across America say to themselves, ‘It’s okay to be a fat slob. I can still be rich and on television.’ Well it’s not okay. Obesity is a serious issue and it’s killing our nation. And millions of women are fat in this country because of Rosie O’Donnell. Millions. So yes, we’re going to solve obesity. We’re going to create the biggest, most efficient nationwide weight-loss program the Earth has ever seen. It’s gonna be huge. And you better believe Rosie will pay for it.”
[read the full story here]
From The Duffel Blog; bowdlerization by bluebird of bitterness.
NEW YORK — World leaders met at the United Nations today to beg the United States to use military force to stem the ever-growing humanitarian disaster in Syria, knowing full well they will then turn around and blame the US shortly thereafter.
UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon said, “We call upon the world’s greatest nation — the United States — to help bring peace to this terrible civil war, because, f**k it, none of us want to.”
“And the best part is, when this whole thing goes to hell in a handbasket — which, quite frankly, happens almost every time you intervene in a multi-sided civil war in a God-forsaken third-world country — none of us are responsible for it,” Ki-Moon added.
The “Blame America First” policy is a time-honored tradition in international relations, dating back to the outrage over the US Air Force’s targeted bombing campaign against the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, followed by consternation over America’s idleness while the same Khmer Rouge murdered millions of their own countrymen.
“It’s pretty shameful, but hey, it got me a Pulitzer prize,” said Sydney Schanberg, whose two-faced coverage of the war in Cambodia in the New York Times inspired the Oscar-winning film, The Killing Fields.
“Amateurs tend to blame America first and then they’re done with it,” said anti-war MIT Professor Noam Chomsky. “Just this past week, Vox’s Amanda Taub blamed the U.S. for the entire Syrian Civil War instead of blaming, well, the Syrians themselves.”
“But that’s the type of ‘Blame America First’ coverage that gets you a few thousand clicks at best,” Chomsky continued. “If you really want Oscars, Pulitzers, and charity donations, you have to sucker the US into intervening, then blame America!”
“Just look at Somalia: Send the U.S. military to help deal with a famine, then, boom! A firefight, a downed Black Hawk helicopter, and before you know it, a blockbuster movie from Michael Bay!” he concluded.
Schanberg pointed to the fact the “Blame America First” strategy hasn’t always mired America in pointless tribal conflicts.
“We thought we had a real winner with the whole ‘Stop Kony’ campaign, and even the whole ‘Bring Back Our Girls’ thing. But the US just responded with a whole bunch of Twitter hashtags,” Schanberg said.
“Which just goes to show you, for Obama, black lives just don’t matter, I guess.”
British Labour Party candidate Jeremy Corbyn had already prepared a statement denouncing U.S. actions should it, indeed, be suckered into sending military forces to resolve the Syrian refugee crisis.
“The U.S. has flagrantly placed its flag all throughout the world: invading Iraq, Afghanistan,” Corbyn said. “Just who do they think they are? Us?”
WARNING: CRUDE LANGUAGE