I had to quit my job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.
She claims we met at the vegetarian club, but I’d never seen herbivore.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
I had to buy a new leaf blower. My old one sucked.
A dog who gave birth to puppies in the park was cited for littering.
An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.
There’s a new Broadway musical based on the dictionary. It’s the ultimate play on words.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Police were called to a day care center where a toddler was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A cowboy adopted a dachsund so he could get a long little doggie.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
The roundest knight at the Round Table was Sir Cumference.
Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
Some people are wise; some are otherwise.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.
We’ll never run out of math teachers as long as they multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
The geologist’s theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given away free of charge.
I went to see the eye doctor in Alaska. Turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
If you take your laptop for a run, you jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A burglar who fell into wet concrete became a hardened criminal.
A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two tired.
The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
Thieves who stole corn from a garden were charged with stalking.
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A will is a dead giveaway.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The math teacher went crazy and did a number on the blackboard.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock gets hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a French kitchen would result in linoleum blownapart.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
We’re going on a class trip to the Dr. Pepper factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…
A midget fortune teller who escaped from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart’s new book is called “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”
Were it not for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
A vulture tried to board an airplane carrying two dead raccoons, but the stewardess told him the limit was one carrion per passenger.
Champagne to our real friends, and real pain to our sham friends.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. Police are looking into it.
One hat said to another, “You stay here — I’ll go on a head.”
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic!
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
If a grizzly bear had no teeth, would you call it a gummy bear?
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I started reading a book about anti-gravity and now I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
I submitted ten puns to a contest, hoping one might win the prize, but no pun in ten did.