From The Babylon Bee.
ATLANTA, GA—What is not known is how Shayna Hinton, 35, knows the sweet little girl in the photo she shared on Facebook Monday. What is known is that the young girl in the picture has a “rare” and “deadly” disease that God will heal as long as Hinton’s Facebook post telling the world about her reaches one million likes.
The Almighty, according to Hinton, is watching the post intently, hoping against hope that it hits its goals quickly so He can intervene.
“1 like = 1 prayer” says her status update, making it clear that miraculous work from the Lord on behalf of the afflicted child is incumbent upon her post going viral. “Look into this sweet little girl’s eyes and decide right now—will you LIKE and SHARE this post so GOD can HEAL her???” she clarified in the comments section.
Continuing on in the comments section, Hinton made clear that “it’s up to US, folks,” “God is just WAITING and HOPING we will activate our faith so He can heal this child,” and “you can save her life RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, if you’ll just do your part by clicking that LIKE button and then SHARING this post.”
“MAKE NO MISTAKE—GOD IS WATCHING YOU READ THIS AND HOPING YOU WILL DO THE RIGHT THING!!!!” she added.
At publishing time, the post had received a number of further comments, all from Hinton, and had only 999,987 likes to go before God would be able to save the child.
It’s the birthday of slave-trader-turned-abolitionist John Newton (1725-1807). Newton wrote the words to hundreds of hymns, including “Glorious Things of Thee Are Spoken,” “May the Grace of Christ Our Savior,” “How Sweet the Name of Jesus Sounds,”and his greatest hit, “Amazing Grace.”
From The Onion.
BEREA, KY—Calling the problem “damn near out of control,” local farmer Cliff Contreau confirmed that the 125-person wedding reception he chased out of his barn Saturday evening was the fifth such wedding party he’s had to scare off his property this month.
“They come in here almost every weekend stringing up incandescent light bulbs and taking photos next to my hay bales. This is private property, for Pete’s sake!” said Contreau, 63, who added that he now instinctively reaches for his rifle any time he hears a string quartet launch into the opening notes of Pachelbel’s Canon.
“At first, all I had to do was bang on the walls with my shovel and a whole mess of them in identical blue gowns and tuxedos would come running out, but I tried that last week and they just kept on chattering like I wasn’t even there. I’m almost all out of ideas at this point.”
Contreau later said that he plans to try ringing the barn with barbed wire, which he hoped would snag and slow the movement of anyone in billowy chiffon.
A tourist from Switzerland who was visiting the U.S. pulled up to a corner where two locals were standing.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” the tourist asked.
The two locals looked at him and said nothing.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he asked.
Still no response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still no response. The tourist gave up and drove off.
One Yank turned to the other and said, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“What for?” the other said. “That guy knew four languages, and a fat lot of good it did him.”