From The Babylon Bee.
Back Pew Voted Best Spot In Church Fifty-Eighth Year Running
U.S.—The back pew at church was voted the best seat in the house among churchgoers for the 58th year running, sources at LifeWay Research confirmed Tuesday.
Regular church attendees were polled on their preferences for a place to sit during a service, with options ranging from the various pews in the sanctuary and the overflow room to the comfort of one’s own home while watching an online broadcast.
Over 92% of those polled stated that sitting in the very back pew is the perfect spot: far enough away that the pastor can’t effectively gaze into your soul, but close enough that you feel good about yourself for showing up unlike those heathens who are playing hooky.
“Respondents did seem to prefer an aisle seat so they can slip out as soon as the last worship song starts, but were almost unanimous in their enthusiasm over finding a spot in the back,” Scott McConnell, executive director of LifeWay Research said. “Things like being able to covertly check sports scores on one’s smartphone and ‘totally space out’ during a sermon without the pastor knowing were both major factors in the popularity of the pew.”
The front pew was voted the second worst spot in church, according to researchers, just behind those chairs onstage behind the pastor.
Beati quorum via integra est, qui ambulant in lege Domini.
Blessed are the undefiled in the way, who walk in the law of the Lord.
LONDON DAILY MIRROR, 10 November 2017
Last Monday started out like any other Monday for Patricia C. Black of Bexley. Ms. Black, 38, a loan officer at Lloyds Bank in Middlesex, was at her desk trying to get some paperwork done before a staff meeting that was scheduled for 9:00 a.m. That was when Philippe Broussard, recently arrived from France, walked into her life.
Mr. Broussard, 21, approached Ms. Black and said that he wished to apply for a business loan.
“He was a bit difficult to understand,” Ms. Black told The Mirror. “His English was broken and heavily accented.”
Ms. Black says she asked Mr. Broussard what sort of business he proposed to start, and Mr. Broussard replied that he hoped to open a gift shop. He then opened his rucksack and removed a collection of ceramic figurines, which he proceeded to line up along the edge of Ms. Black’s desk.
“He said that was what he planned to sell,” said Ms. Black. “I don’t mind telling you, I was a bit flummoxed. Chap looked a good deal too young to be starting a business, and honestly, the things he proposed to sell didn’t look like the sort of thing any bloke in his right mind would buy.”
Ms. Black asked Mr. Broussard to tell her more about himself.
“He said that he’d only recently arrived in the U.K., which came as no surprise, and that he had been unable to find a job, which also came as no surprise,” she said.
“Then I asked him about his family, and that was when things became rather difficult to believe,” Ms. Black continued. “He said he’d been born in Paris, and that his mother was the French supermodel Colette Broussard and his father was Keith Richards. He said he’d been unable to find work in Paris, and that he came to the U.K. because he thought his chances would be better here. And when he couldn’t find a job here either, he decided to start his own business.”
At that moment, the bank president, Rupert J. Thistlewaite, chanced to be passing by, and Ms. Black asked him if he might stop for a moment and listen to Mr. Broussard’s story.
Mr. Thistlewaite listened attentively as Mr. Broussard once again told his story and repeated his request for a business loan. When Mr. Broussard had finished speaking, Ms. Black picked up one of the figurines from her desk and handed it to the bank president.
“‘This is what he plans to sell,’ I told him,” said Ms. Black. “I asked Mr. Thistlewaite what he made of it.”
According to Ms. Black, Mr. Thistlewaite regarded the figurine thoughtfully, then handed it back and said, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”