Scholars now believe Esau sold his birthright for marshmallow Jell-O salad

December 4, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

BEER-LAHAI-ROI — Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow and Jell-O salad.

Ancient writings confirm Jacob prepared the delectable dish knowing how much everyone loved it, including his brother.

“This story makes sense now; who could resist a deliciously fluffy green Jell-O salad?” said biblical scholar Dr. Heb Rewguy, brimming with excitement. “We scholars had always been doubtful of the old translation claiming a man would sell his entire birthright for a bit of pottage. I mean, WTF, amirite?”

Researchers also revealed a vast network of marshmallow trade routes spanning the ancient Holy Lands. This so-called “Mallow Road” bustled with travel and trade all year long, but was busiest in the weeks leading up to Israeli Thanksgiving.

At publishing time, scholars had confirmed that the manna provided by God to the Israelites was actually a cabbage and raisin Jell-O salad.

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Find the candy canes!

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(click to enlarge)

The solution will appear in the comments section later today. 

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A musical meditation on overattachment to material things.

As we reach the twilight hours of our fleeting earthly time,
And know we will not see the sun tomorrow,
We may think with deep regret of all the things we leave behind,
But oh, my friends, do not give in to sorrow.

On the other shore, on the other shore,
We will reunite with all the things we ever owned before;
Our single socks will all be to their rightful pairs restored;
We’ll meet all our possessions on the other shore.

As we near those golden sidewalks floating on the clouds above,
Assuming heaven is our destination,
We may glance behind for one last look at everything we love,
But truly there’s no call for reservation.

On the other shore, on the other shore,
We’ll have piles and piles of jeans we can’t fit into anymore;
We’ll wear all those crazy cowboy shirts we got from Fred LaBour;
We’ll meet all our possessions on the other shore.

We’ll find books we bought in college and sold for half-price unread,
And sacks and sacks of earring backs lost under someone’s bed,
And baseball cards and army men and model planes galore,
And every tiny plastic high heel Barbie ever wore.

On the other shore, on the other shore,
We’ll have giant storage units free of charge for evermore;
Our tax receipts will all be saved in bags upon the floor;
We’ll meet all our possessions
On the other shore, on the other shore,
We’ll find National Geographics from 1974;

Our children’s art will cover God’s refrigerator door;
We’ll meet all our possessions on the other shore.

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