Farmer chases fifth wedding party out of barn this month

July 22, 2016

From The Onion.

BEREA, KY—Calling the problem “damn near out of control,” local farmer Cliff Contreau confirmed that the 125-person wedding reception he chased out of his barn Saturday evening was the fifth such wedding party he’s had to scare off his property this month.

“They come in here almost every weekend stringing up incandescent light bulbs and taking photos next to my hay bales. This is private property, for Pete’s sake!” said Contreau, 63, who added that he now instinctively reaches for his rifle any time he hears a string quartet launch into the opening notes of Pachelbel’s Canon.

“At first, all I had to do was bang on the walls with my shovel and a whole mess of them in identical blue gowns and tuxedos would come running out, but I tried that last week and they just kept on chattering like I wasn’t even there. I’m almost all out of ideas at this point.”

Contreau later said that he plans to try ringing the barn with barbed wire, which he hoped would snag and slow the movement of anyone in billowy chiffon.

Speaking in tongues

July 21, 2016

A tourist from Switzerland who was visiting the U.S. pulled up to a corner where two locals were standing.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” the tourist asked.

The two locals looked at him and said nothing.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he asked.

No response.

“Parlare Italiano?”

Still no response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still no response. The tourist gave up and drove off.

One Yank turned to the other and said, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“What for?” the other said. “That guy knew four languages, and a fat lot of good it did him.”


Mercury rising

July 20, 2016

Over the hill? What hill? I don’t remember any hill

July 18, 2016

Advertisements from long, long ago — Marriage Savers™ edition

July 18, 2016

Some beautiful music for Sunday

July 17, 2016

It’s the birthday of the English nonconformist minister Isaac Watts (1674-1748), author of many of the best-known hymns in the English language. This one is his paraphrase of Psalm 23.

Happy Caturday — summer vacation edition

July 16, 2016


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