This is your brain on glue dots

(The following appeared on Planet Moron on June 15, 2011.)

Our old Alma Mater, the Delaware Valley School District, in the Poconos of Pennsylvania, has found itself in trouble simply for being willing to fight the fight few dare to even name:

Putting an end to drug-impaired scrapbooking.

As part of a policy to address presumed drug use in the school, a 12-year-old girl who wanted to join the school’s scrapbooking club was told she had to submit a urine sample for drug testing and then undergo random tests during the year.

This is absolutely necessary of course as everyone knows that scrapbooking is the gateway extracurricular activity.  Next thing you know she’ll be joining the A/V club, and when that isn’t enough she’ll go completely hardcore.

And join the band.

We know what you’re thinking:

“You were in the band, weren’t you?”

Okay, so we were in the band, but we were never in the A/V club.

We weren’t cool enough to be in the A/V club.

But none of that is the point, the point is that scrapbooking under the influence can lead to serious societal harm, such as pasting concert tickets in backwards, misordering bar mitzvah photos, and using festive St. Patrick’s Day stickers on your Easter Egg Hunt page.

Naturally, the American Civil Liberties union, which has filed a lawsuit on behalf of the mother of the future scrapbooking enthusiast/heroin addict, argues that the law is unconstitutional in that before school authorities can be permitted to subject her to mandatory drug testing, they should first be required to establish some specific suspicion that the girl might be using drugs.

Well, other than the fact that she wants to join the scrapbooking club.

This is all part of a disturbing movement in America in which radical right-wing extremists are promoting the dangerous notion that “government should be limited to only what is in the Constitution,” perhaps best epitomized by extreme radical right-wing conservative congresswoman Michelle Bachmann.

We simply can’t let these people get away with their hateful ideas. But not to worry, we have courageous journalists ready to confront these freedom-mongers and Constitution cultists right to their face.

In a June 14 interview, Ali Velshi of CNN asked Rep. Bachmann:

“You have said in the past that you feel very, very strongly – and this is before the Tea Party movement got started. You feel very strongly that government should be limited to what it is allowed to do in the Constitution. Now, the fact is, when we have to change things in society, government has had to provide incentives to capital to move into certain areas. Think about energy, think about the environment. Do you really believe that the federal government should offer no incentives, should undertake no planning with anything that doesn’t have to do with powers granted to them in the Constitution?”

Really Ms. Bachmann, do you actually intend to uphold your oath of office and demand that Congress’s enumerated Constitutional powers be limited to those enumerated under the Constitution? What kind of twisted logic is that?

And so we applaud the efforts of our old home-town school administrators for their willingness to go beyond what it may or may not technically have the right to do under the Constitution and test those 12-year-old scrapbooking girls, because maybe then, they’ll know what freedom is truly all about:

Subjecting yourself to the unencumbered power of the state.

We think Jefferson said that.

Copyright 2011 by Planet Moron. Reprinted with permission.

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