It started out innocently enough.
I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. But inevitably, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think even when I was alone. I told myself I only did it to relax, but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and before long, I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.
Things weren’t going well at home either. One evening I turned off the television and tried to talk to my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.
One day the boss called me in. He said, “John, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, we’re going to have to let you go.”
Well, that gave me a lot to think about. I went home from work and said to my wife, “Honey, I’ve been thinking–”
“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said. “And I want a divorce!”
“But why, honey?” I said.
“It’s your thinking!” she said. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make very much money, so if you keep on thinking we’re going to end up in the poorhouse!”
“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said, and she began to cry.
I’d had enough. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I pulled into the parking lot, parked the car, and ran up to the big glass doors, only to find that they were locked. The library was closed!
As I sank to the ground in despair, a poster caught my eye. It read: “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?”
The poster was from Thinkers Anonymous.
I know how that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. And that’s why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Dumb and Dumber.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life is just so much easier, now that I’ve stopped thinking.
Zombieland is a peaceful place to visit…but I wouldn’t want to live there.