Let freedom ring! However, you’re going to need a permit for the bell.

(The following appeared on Planet Moron on September 21, 2011.)

“Let Freedom Ring! However, You’re Going To Need a Permit For The Bell,” is a periodic series in which we explore the new and exciting ways in which the notions of freedom and liberty are being interpreted in our modern and progressive world.

Defending Your Family by Shooting a Grizzly Bear

OLD: Hero.
NEW: Criminal.

An Idaho man last month shot a grizzly bear that had wandered into his yard, threatening his wife and two of his children.

If you are like most American parents, you have only one question:

Was the bear okay?

Unfortunately, the bear died, and the man, Jeremy Hill, was subsequently charged with violating the Endangered Species Act. No charges were brought against the bear as human children populations are abundant throughout the Pacific Northwest.

While Mr. Hill initially faced up to a year in jail and $50,000 in fines, he eventually agreed to pay a $1,000 fine and pled guilty to not waiting for federal agents to come shoot the bear, as any law-abiding citizen should do. We mean, any law-abiding widower left to raise his surviving children on his own.

Defending Yourself and Your Coworkers by Facing Down Armed Robbers

OLD: Hero.
NEW: Unemployed

A Michigan pharmacist found himself face to face with two armed gunmen as he worked the night shift at a Walgreens in Benton Township, Michigan. Staring down the barrel of a gun and fearing for his life, the pharmacist, Jeremy Hoven, clearly cracked under the pressure, completely forgetting his employer’s non-escalation policy, however remembering his firearms training and drew his permitted hand gun, shooting at the robbers and forcing them to flee.

Given that Walgreen’s policy is that “compromise is safer,” a policy typically arrived at when you are doing something other than looking down the barrel of a gun (such as sitting safely in your corporate office), the company fired Hoven.

Let that be a lesson to you out there. Particularly to you armed robbers.

Minding Your Own Business

OLD: A time-honored American tradition.
NEW: A crime.

The trouble started when a number of people living in rural Antelope Valley, California, were found to be not bothering anyone. Concerned by this blatant regard for others, Los Angeles County formed “Nuisance Abatement Teams” to address the non-growing problem.

Given the inherent danger involved in confronting people with a history of keeping to themselves and the natural hazards involved in any building code enforcement action, these NATs swarm homes with armed agents, the better to ensure no one tries to run to the bathroom and bring the place up to code (perhaps by installing a GFI, or maybe putting in a vapor barrier).

As a result of these actions, we hope Los Angeles can finally get a handle on these “public nuisance conditions on private property,” in the middle of nowhere.

Being Tied up While Your Place Is Ransacked

OLD: A crime
NEW: A law enforcement action.

A strip club in Edinburg, Texas was raided by forty law enforcement officers who tied up everyone inside while they searched the place for drugs.

While they did not find any drugs, they did find $1,500 in cash, $8,000 in club “tokens,” the manager’s wallet, laptops, tablet computers, and backpacks, and decided to take those instead.

They really didn’t have any choice given the fact that there were no drugs to take.

These items are being held indefinitely as evidence, presumably for the crime of “intent to carry a wallet,” and “possession of cash.”

Copyright 2011 by Planet Moron. Reprinted with permission.

3 Responses to Let freedom ring! However, you’re going to need a permit for the bell.

  1. Freedom, by the way says:

    I read things like this and I really begin to hate where our country is going. It’s like something out of a MAD comic.


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