Glossary of stock market terms

CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET — A six-to-eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing

BROKER — What my broker has made me

STANDARD & POOR — My life in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded my stock

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the drain

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Last year’s investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use

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