Is it just me, or is the news getting progressively weirder? There are times when I hear the theme from “The Twilight Zone” playing in my head while I work my way through the stacks of news stories in my inbox. You may have had the same experience, if like me you feel some neurotic compulsion to keep yourself moderately well informed about what’s going on in the world.
For example, did you hear about the fifth grader in California who was expelled from school for observing that a local newscaster looked like Barack Obama? Or the Chicago woman who was charged with domestic battery after she brutally pelted her husband with cupcakes? What about the Texas woman who was beaten with a frozen armadillo? Did you hear about the governor of Connecticut declaring Diaper Need Awareness Day? And how about that harridan in New Mexico who stabbed her boyfriend when she suspected him of cheating at Monopoly? Or the burglar in Atlanta who broke into a woman’s home so he could check his Facebook page? Oh, and did you hear about Frosty the Snowman being arrested at a Christmas parade in Maryland?
But for sheer mind-boggling asininity, nothing in the news recently beats the European Union’s ruling that producers of bottled water may not claim that water can prevent dehydration. According to the morons at the EU, there is no scientific evidence that water can prevent dehydration — and if the bottled water folks claim that it can, they risk spending a couple of years in the slammer (presumably on bread and bottled water).
This bit of incomprehensible imbecility caught the attention of The Bard of Murdock, who comments:
The Lord turned water into wine,
As per his Mother’s plea,
But nothing changes nature’s plan
Quite like bureaucracy.
For though the Lord has trod upon
The Sea of Galilee,
He did not change the water’s role –
Or man’s biology.
For that we need the team of men
From Parma, Italy,
Who want to fashion for the world
A new ontology.
Hydration, since the dawn of time,
Was known to be the key,
For every species on the earth,
In air or ’neath the sea.
But when those European men
The laws of nature were repealed
By their bureaucracy.
So when you’re feeling drained and dry,
It’s time to bend a knee,
For water’s only sanctioned for
A burial at sea.