Not being someone who likes to beat a dead horse into the ground after the stable door is locked, I really, truly planned to let the whole Sandra Fluke thing go… until I ventured over to Planet Moron and discovered “The Sandra Fluke Translator,” which is just too good not to share:
As anyone who has ever studied a foreign language can tell you, even if you have a full grasp of the vocabulary, it can still be difficult to understand what someone is trying to tell you if you don’t fully understand the cultural or social context of their statements.
Such is the problem some people have with understanding Sandra Fluke, an innocent doe-eyed youngster barely 30 years out of diapers who came to fame when testifying at a make-believe congressional hearing (it’s fun to play pretend!) at which she pointed out her friends at Georgetown Law were going broke having sex.
And people say Congress doesn’t have the courage to take on tough issues like deficit spending, entitlement reform, and promiscuous co-eds.
It might have remained a purely personal matter involving only private citizen Fluke, powerful Democratic members of Congress, and the invited national media, had a certain conservative talk show host not gotten involved.
Shortly after her imaginary congressional hearing, Rush Limbaugh (whose job it is to say outlandish things) said some outlandish things in the course of pointing out that Georgetown Law students, perhaps one of the more privileged of any subgroups in American society, could maybe pay for their own contraception.
Sandra Fluke was so hurt and shocked from all the unwanted attention that she did what any purely private citizen would do involuntarily thrust into the limelight:
Hire a publicist with close connections to the White House and appear on eight national news programs.
It’s all part of the healing process.
Sandra Fluke Translator
Fluke: “Access to contraception.”
Translation: When someone else pays for your contraception.
Fluke: “Guaranteeing women access to contraception.”
Translation: Guaranteeing that someone else will pay for women’s contraception.
Fluke: “Restricting access.”
Translation: Having to pay for contraception yourself.
Fluke: “Silencing women’s voices.”
Translation: Criticizing Sandra Fluke.
Fluke: “Raising this issue in our public consciousness.”
Translation: Agreeing with Sandra Fluke.
Fluke: “Unfair obstacles to participating in public life.”
Translation: Having children.
Fluke: “Attacking women who use contraception by calling them prostitutes.”
Translation: Attacking women who want someone else to pay for their contraception so they can have sex by calling them prostitutes.
Fluke: “The regulation under discussion has absolutely nothing to do with government funding: It is all about the insurance policies provided by private employers and universities that are financed by individual workers, students and their families — not taxpayers.”
Translation: Taxpayers will not pay for Ms. Fluke’s free contraception unless they happen to be workers, students or their families.
Fluke: “99% of sexually experienced American women have used [contraception].
Translation: We’ll never get that number higher if we don’t start making it free.
We hope that clears up a few things for you.
And just remember, as Ms. Fluke painstakingly argues, free contraception is a right and absolutely essential to the health of an individual and remains broadly popular and supported.
Just like sex change operations.