Office holiday party

December 7
To: All Employees
I’m happy to announce that the company Christmas party will take place on December 21 at Billy Bob’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and the River City Ramblers Bluegrass Band will be playing traditional Christmas carols. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 10
To: All Employees
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. So from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa. There will be no Christmas tree and no Santa Claus, and no Christmas carols will be sung. Happy holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 12
To: All Employees
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request; but don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t be anonymous anymore.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 14
To: All Employees
I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gay men may sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 17
To: All Employees
Vegetarians! I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this party at Billy Bob’s Open Pit whether you like it or not! You can just sit at the table farthest from the “Grill of Death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right now! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, y’all hear me?
Patty Lewis
The Bitch from Hell

December 19
To: All Employees
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her nervous breakdown. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the psych ward at St. Luke’s Hospital. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 21st off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Jones
Acting Human Resources Director

3 Responses to Office holiday party

  1. We used to have a killer Christmas party with all the volunteer church music folks, the choirs and our sound monkeys. A few years ago, the choir dude who hosted the party decided that having a few young kids around was too much trouble, and was too disturbing for all the old fogeys in the adult choir, so they started making it an adult-only affair, using the excuse that there would be alcohol present. Clearly, young kids can’t be at a church Christmas party where those scary Christian adults are drinking wine. That would be horrible. So all of the younger folks stopped going, and even though our kids were older teens, most of my sound crew had young kids, so I just stopped going on principle, since all my crew had been essentially excluded. It’s funny how one Scrooge-like act can sour an entire community. And what is a church Christmas party without kids, anyway? I guess community isn’t for everyone.

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  2. bydesign001 says:

    Good evening Bob. I never laughed so hard. Sent this to all my PC family members, associates, so-called friends and co-workers. Happy Hannukah, if in order,

    D.

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