But we have to do something! And apparently it really doesn’t matter what.

(The following appeared on Planet Moron on December 19, 2012.)

Naturally, people were horrified at the unspeakable atrocity visited upon Sandy Hook Elementary School this past Friday and want to know what measures are being taken to see to it that such tragedies are avoided in the future:

Q: What should we do?

A: First, we need to act as swiftly as we can.

Q: Why?

A: It is commonly understood that the best decisions are usually made in the heat of the moment, when passions are highest and people are so blinded with grief or rage that they are willing to accept any solution no matter how pointless and ineffective.

Q: You mean like the Transportation Security Administration?

A: Exactly! For example, Senator Joe Lieberman has already carefully laid out his reasoning for the need for more gun control. You’ll have to bear with us, it’s full of technocratic jargon (you know Joe!), but this is the kind level-headedness we need from our leaders at a time like this:

“We’ve got to continue to hear the screams of these children and see their blood until we do something?”

Q: That doesn’t sound that level headed. Does anybody have any specific proposals?

A: Well, University of Rhode Island Professor Erik Loomis has put forth a detailed plan meant to address the root causes of the tragedy:

“[I] want Wayne LaPierre’s head on a stick.”

Q: Now wait a second. There are important and profound arguments to be made for gun rights that can certainly be debated in an informed manner.

A: That may be true, but as Professor Loomis puts it so eloquently,

“[F]*ck the NRA.”

Q: Okay, are there any serious legislative proposals being made?

A: Of course there are. For example, Senator Diane Feinstein has called for a reinstatement of the assault weapons ban.

Q: The killer used one of the previously banned assault weapons?

A: No.

Q: That doesn’t seem very productive.

A: Well, the White House has also proposed to require background checks at gun shows.

Q: The killer purchased his firearms at a gun show?

A: No.

Q: Then how does it make any sense to propose a grab bag of gun control legislation most of which was already in place in Connecticut where the laws are among the toughest in the nation and did nothing to deter this?

A: What are you, some kind of monster? There are dead kids out there!

Q: It’s just that there are reasonable arguments as to the role gun rights play in securing civil rights and actually saving lives.

A: Do you like dead kids?

Q: What? No! Of course not.

A: Because it’s starting to sound like you like dead kids.

Q: No, it’s just that mass murders are actually down.

A: Dead kids.

Q: Schools have never been safer.

A: Dead kids.

Q: And these massacres occur almost exclusively in areas where the government has specifically banned guns strongly suggesting…

A: Dead kids.

Q: You’re not even trying now.

A: Don’t have to.

4 Responses to But we have to do something! And apparently it really doesn’t matter what.

  1. Awesome, Bob. Hey, could we get a repost of one of your recent ones? It doesn’t have to be this one. You’ve had lots of good stuff lately. Thanks!


%d bloggers like this: