It’s Day One of #SequesterApocalypse! A few choice tweets collected this morning:
Breaking: The dead have arisen from their graves and are eating the brains of the living… Biden unthreatened…
Obama: whatever happens, it’s Republicans’ fault. Media: whatever happens, it’s Republicans’ fault.
Beware. We are all losing our jobs, and 20 million of us will lose our jobs twice, according to Maxine Waters.
90 minutes into sequester. Power’s still on, internet’s still up, no sign of looters. Guess I can put the Glock away.
Interns are burning regulations and tax code for warmth, estimated reserves are nearly 100 years.
If only Homer were here to chronicle #SequesterApocalypse as the rosy-fingered dawn touched this fateful day.
In honor of sequester, today I will spend 2.4% less than the 5% more I was planning on spending. Still 40% on credit.
Just remember, somewhere today kittens are being euthanized and it’s all the Republicans’ fault.
Dept. of Agriculture cuts diversity trainer’s salary to $1million. Zombie acceptance seminars still mandatory.
Even though the nation will be enduring #SequesterApocalypse, the murder rate in Chicago will remain unaffected. Congrats, Rahm!
Michelle Obama asked that #SequesterApocalypse be made a federal holiday so she can take one more vacation.
Sent my kids to school, but they’ll probably be bored without teachers.
Is this #SequesterApocalypse gonna be anything like Y2K? Because I have a lot of canned goods which I also didn’t use for the #FiscalCliff.
170 million lost their jobs and Guam has capsized. Oh the humanity!
Will I still get free birth control?
I cut my shower time down 2%, doing my part.
Arugula will disappear from Trader Joe’s.
Scattered reports of teachers beating up students & stealing their lunch money. Details at 11 if we survive that long.
Moochelle will be forced to wear a designer outfit more than once.
After #SequesterApocalypse hits, you’ll no longer be able to breeze thru the DMV in 4 short hours.
Forgot to buy toilet paper for the bunker. Gonna have to use the Obama poster.
My colleagues and I are playing Rock Paper Scissors over who gets to cannibalize the undergraduates.
This just in: submarines are sinking in the ocean due to the #SequesterApocalypse!
Heavily armed in my basement. Let me know when spending exceeds 2011 levels and it’s safe to resurface.
There’s still millions of dollars to study the mating habits of 3-toed pygmy albino river otters, right?
Release federal prisoners, ground all flights, close national parks, but don’t touch my Obamaphone!
Funding for Nancy Pelosi’s cosmetic surgery cut. Get ready for real horror!
OMG the sky is falling! Oh wait, it’s just snow.
Obama cutting back to just 6 days a week of skeet shooting.