Obama authorizes drone strike on Putin

From The Duffel Blog; bowdlerization by bluebird of bitterness.

WASHINGTON — President Obama has authorized a targeted drone strike against Russian President Vladimir Putin following his country’s controversial troop movements into Ukraine’s Crimea, senior administration officials confirmed today.

Putin, 61, was added to the controversial “kill list” on Saturday shortly after speaking with the president in a 90-minute phone call. Following the call, the White House readout indicated that Obama spoke for approximately 30 minutes while Putin laughed continuously for the last 60.

“I mean seriously,” senior aides reported Obama as saying. “F**k that guy.”

One source, a senior official on the national security council who requested anonymity so as not to also wind up on the list, told Duffel Blog reporters the U.S. planned to blame terrorists if a strike was successful. The source confirmed that multiple Hellfire missiles would have “From Chechnya with Love” painted on the nose, and they would be stamped with “MADE IN CHECHNYA” on the side.

While a sensitive and top secret authorization, when reached for comment by Duffel Blog, The White House confirmed the details of a possible strike and attempted to explain the rationale.

“I mean, what’s with all the hubbub?” Obama asked, in a phone call with Duffel Blog. “First you get pissed we zap Awlaki since he was an American citizen. Now you’re getting pissed I want to strike Putin?”

“Uh hello. He’s a foreigner. Perfectly legal,” he added.

8 Responses to Obama authorizes drone strike on Putin

  1. TEA says:

    Thanks for posting this. Great satire. Of course, Obama wouldn’t have the guts to do it to Putin. Bloggers, maybe, but not Putin.

    Like

  2. Mike says:

    Finally! He stopped using his pen and his phone to writing Putins phone number in the Men’s Room and having Pizza’s sent to the Kremlin. At least he’s trying something he’s good at… or is that only U.S. Citizens, I forget.

    Like

  3. OyiaBrown says:

    Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.

    Like

  4. Freedom, by the way says:

    I’m laughing at your quote of the day!

    Like

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