(The following appeared on Planet Moron on March 10, 2014.)
As if parents with school-age children don’t have enough to worry about already, what with whether or not their children are eating enough vegetables from the red-orange subgroups, or ensuring that they participate in as little physical activity as possible, now we have a scourge Planet Moron has been following for some time:
Some might dismiss the threat posed by imaginary weapons, however they’re not taking fully into account the many pretend deaths that could result if schools didn’t act quickly and decisively to neutralize the non-existent threat.
Take for example, the boy caught red-handed with an imaginary bow and arrow.
Look, you could put out a make-believe eye with that thing.
If only the trouble ended there. The problem with letting little things, like not having a bow and arrow, pass without the proper disciplinary action, is that things can quickly escalate into children believing that they can get away with not having even deadlier weapons.
And that’s how we end up with the boy with the finger gun.
First of all, as any young boy will tell you, finger guns have a nearly inexhaustible supply of pretend ammo, limited only by the ability to say “bang,” quite possibly putting the finger gun in violation of magazine ammo limits.
And second, finger guns are the gateway weapon to other harmless non-firearms, such as the miniature gun-shaped key chain charm.
Don’t let its diminutive size fool you. It may be small, but it’s just as not deadly as the finger gun.
Perhaps it’s the times we live in, but it doesn’t stop there, either. Yes, now we have:
Keep in mind that the only difference between a make-believe bomb and the real thing, is that a make-believe bomb doesn’t actually exist. And that is simply a difference without a distinction. Other than the distinction that it’s not real.
And so, when it comes to education, we here at Planet Moron fully support zero tolerance for anyone found in possession of things they are not actually in possession of, and that the punishment meted out should be as severe as if they had actually done something wrong.
Hey, a little compassion and common sense here, people.