OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull into Jiffy Lube.
2) Have a cup of coffee and relax.
3) Twenty minutes later, write a check and leave with a well-maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT :
Oil Change: $30.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner; write check for $50.
2) Go to convenience store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Drink a beer before getting started.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) Jack up car. Have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16″ box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan, splashing hot oil on yourself in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe oil off of face and arms.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up. Crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot oil everywhere. Hide old oil filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee. Have another beer.
17) Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycled and avoid environmental fee.
18) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 16 and 17.
20) Install new oil filter.
21) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
22) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
23) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
24) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
25) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug. Shovel oily dirt back into hole. Steal sand from kids’ sandbox to conceal oily patch of ground.
26) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on driveway. Throw kitty litter on oil.
28) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter in eyes. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp edge of frame.
29) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold.
30) Cussing fit.
31) Throw crescent wrench.
32) Clean up hands and head and apply bandages.
33) Beer to stop pain.
34) Dump in five quarts of fresh oil.
35) Lower car from jack stands.
36) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
37) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spills.
39) Test drive car.
40) Get pulled over and arrested for DUI.
41) Car towed and impounded.
42) Call wife. Make bail.
43) Twelve hours later, bail out car.
Towing Fee: $175.00
Impound Fee: $75.00