Poisoned ivy

The Onion’s 2014 University Rankings:

HARVARD UNIVERSITY

Established: Yes. Very.

Entitled-Pissant-to-Faculty Ratio: 7:1

U.S. News & World Report Ranking: 32

Selling Point: Every new student provided with laptop and bone fragment of John F. Kennedy

Motto: Buckle Up!

Endowment: Never enough

UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA

School Colors: Crimson painted on pale, backwoods, fleshy white

Number of Daily Campus Tours: 14,342,902

Has a Big Rock the Students Like to Paint Before Homecoming: Probably

Degree of Latitude Quarterback Has to Commit Whatever Crimes and Ethics Violations He Wants: Substantial

Subway Franchises on Campus: 104

Years Without State’s Governor Standing in Doorway Preventing Minority Students from Entering: 51

OBERLIN COLLEGE

Academic Opportunities: Students able to spend their final year completing a Senior Protest

Selling Point: Career Center offers students connections to hundreds of summer internships that will conflict with their trip to Prague

Most Popular Student Activity: Adding the prefix “cis-” to all nouns

Minority Students: Just enough to stop people from complaining

Free Speech Acceptance: Oberlin has a rich legacy of allowing students to vocalize opinions everyone around them already agrees with

Number of Alums Currently Roaming the Campus, Hearing the Leaves Crunch Underfoot and Wistfully Remembering a Youthful Love Affair: 4

UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY AT WEST POINT

Endowment: Spoils of war from last 212 years

Incoming Class: 74 percent of admitted students were the Supreme Allied Commander of their high school class

Enrollment: 4,624 of the lowest g*dd@mn worms this earth has ever seen

Biggest Rivals: Al-Qaeda, Pentagon budget cuts, PTSD

Fun Fact: Alumni have gone on to kill hundreds of thousands of people

(Full article, with pretty photographs of each campus and without bowdlerization, can be found here.)

3 Responses to Poisoned ivy

  1. Reblogged this on My Daily Musing and commented:
    Some fun facts of some university rankings.

    Like

  2. Thomas says:

    Oberlin: Where red-diaper babies are sent for potty training.

    Like

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