Updated employee handbook

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you can buy better clothes, and you do not need a raise. If you dress in between, you are right where you need to be and you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are January 1, July 4 and December 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. You will be permitted to work through your lunch hour and then leave one hour early, provided your work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse; however, we require a minimum of two weeks notice, and it is your responsibility to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. All employees whose names begin with A will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with B will go from 8:20 to 8:40, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Average size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time it takes to drink a Slim-Fast and take an appetite suppressant.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, insinuations, allegations, and accusations should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day.

The Management

5 Responses to Updated employee handbook

  1. ROFL! You found out where I work! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. […] Updated employee handbook […]

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  3. […] bluebird of bitterness: Updated employee handbook […]

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  4. pukeko60 says:

    Far better than the real handbooks, which appear to be clear, but reality are obscure, long, and assume random SJW induced destruction of employees improves morale.

    Liked by 1 person

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