USS Gabrielle Giffords christened as navy’s first gun-free warship

From The Duffel Blog.

MOBILE, Ala. — Seeking to honor a retired congresswoman and 2011 shooting victim in the most considerate and respectful way possible, the Navy today christened the future USS Gabrielle Giffords (LCS-10), a first-of-its-kind, gun-free warship.

Designed to hold a core crew of 40 sailors, the Independence-class littoral combat ship has been stripped bare of its Mk 110 57-millimeter gun, all four of its Mk2 .50-cal machine guns, its Evolved SeaRAM 11 cell missile launcher, and its entire cache of small arms, which are typically issued to boarding teams and watch standers.

“Having this mighty warship be 100% gun-free not only helps to honor its heroic namesake, Gabby Giffords, but it also helps the Navy to steer clear of promoting a culture of violence,” said Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus, who reportedly lobbied hard to get Congress and the Secretary of Defense on board with leaving the Navy’s newest addition to the fleet completely defenseless.

“Once commissioned and put into service,” Mabus continued, “this vessel will truly embody the Navy’s new motto of Semper Modestis— always considerate.”

The Navy Secretary went on to say that he hopes Giffords sets a new trend Navy-wide, and that it’s merely the first ship of many to go weapons-free.

“We have this whole new generation of millennials joining the Navy and becoming sailors on a daily basis, and most of them don’t even like guns,” he said. “So it’s important we listen to their concerns and do what we can to adapt to them.”

Mabus also said that going gun-free with the Giffords was a huge cost saver, and that much of the money saved on armament for the vessel was able to be redirected to a vegan-friendly galley, unisex uniforms for the whole crew, and numerous “safe spaces” throughout the ship — places where sailors can go to relax and decompress whenever they feel overly-stressed by the rigors of life at sea.

Though Mabus and numerous other attendees at the ceremony seemed genuinely excited about christening the Navy’s first gun-free warship, in a somewhat ironic twist, both former congresswoman Giffords and her husband, Mark Kelly, were surprisingly unenthusiastic about the concept.

“Listen, it’s no secret that both Gabby and I are big proponents of reasonable gun control, and we really appreciate this gesture being made by the Navy, but the idea of sending a warship out into this turbulent world without any weapons whatsoever is completely irrational,” said Kelly, himself an astronaut and retired Navy captain.

“Like, seriously, this isn’t going to end well.”

Though still recovering from the trauma she suffered in 2011 and unable to speak in lengthy sentences, Giffords was much more concise upon being asked what she thought of the Navy making her namesake ship completely gun-free.

“Dipshits,” she said.

UPDATE: Since this story first appeared, Giffords has reportedly been hijacked at gunpoint from its pier at Austal USA’s shipyard. The City of Mobile Police Department is asking anybody with information about the theft to contact the department’s Crime Stoppers line at 251-555-7000.

8 Responses to USS Gabrielle Giffords christened as navy’s first gun-free warship

  1. Wait, what?? Is this wise? Oh snark and satire! You almost had me, we live in a crazy enough world that this was almost believable. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I heard a radio interview recently with the founder of The Duffel Blog, and he talked about some of the incidents that have occurred as a result of readers not realizing that it’s a satire site. When the world has gone stark raving mad, doing satire becomes ever more challenging. How do you come up with fiction that’s more outrageous than what’s actually happening in the world?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Zip-a-Dee says:

        It rings ‘true’ to me! This ‘so’ sounds like this administration Duffel could put some true ones in the mix and no one would probably notice! Like this one: Obama’s new mission for NASA: Reach out to Muslim world.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Mike says:

    … The Navy is especially proud of the cooperative relationship forged with the State Department as the USS Gabrielle Giffords is entirely manned by a special detachment of Mid-Level Career Diplomats, some are even from the U.S.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on My Daily Musing and commented:
    USS Gabrielle Giffords isn’t a warship without guns. She is a target for target practice. BTW, this is just a satire for amusement proposes only.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. […] USS Gabrielle Giffords christened as navy’s first gun-free warship […]

    Liked by 1 person

  5. […] The Navy faces one more roadblock in repatriating the Giffords to its home port. The town of NSB has insisted that the derelict ship is being used in preparations for their Reggae and Island Music Festival planned for this weekend. This wouldn’t be a problem if the ship were still at sea, but it lies – high and dry – within the town limits, and Volusia County acknowledges the squatters rights of the various Reggae musicians and street people who have taken up temporary residence on board the vessel as they practice and set up for the festival. A pre-dawn raid by Navy SEALs was foiled this morning when local officials appealed to the White House, which immediately issued “stand down” orders to the team. It is now believed that the Navy stands the best chance of recovering the vessel on Tuesday of next week when the crowds, and the pot smoke, finally disperse. Hat tip for Duffel Blog article to the Bluebird of Bitterness. […]

    Liked by 1 person

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