1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 16 work boots.
2. Put the boots on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few large dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on the front door that reads:
Hey Bubba — Me, Big Jim, and Duke went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside. — Mike