EMPTYNESTROGEN: Eliminates depression by reminding mothers of what their children were like as teenagers, when they couldn’t wait for them to grow up and move out.
PEPTOBIMBO: Relieves nausea caused by female co-workers who can’t resist flirting with anyone with a Y chromosome.
DUMBEROL: Temporarily lowers I.Q., enabling a woman to survive watching the stupid movies her boyfriend likes.
ST. MAMA’S WORT: Alleviates maternal fatigue by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to twenty-four hours.
FLIPITOR: Taken prior to driving, increases life expectancy by controlling the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN: When taken by single women, increases resistance to such lethal lines as “You make me want to be a better person.”
BUYAGRA: Taken prior to shopping, increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
ANTIBOYOTICS: When administered to teenage girls, results in improved grades, lower phone bills, and less money spent on makeup.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by relatives, neighbors, and co-workers who insist on behaving like jerks.
ANTITALKSIDENT: Purse-size spray for use on people who are too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
DAMMITOL: Take two with a glass of wine, and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to eight full hours.