Scientists slowly reintroducing small group of normal, well-adjusted humans into society

From The Onion.

ITHACA, NY—In an ambitious attempt to revive a population long considered to be on the brink of extinction, scientists announced Friday they have slowly begun to reintroduce normal, well-adjusted human beings back into society.

According to officials at Cornell University, where for the past 18 years conservation researchers have operated an enclosed sanctuary for humans who are levelheaded and make it a habit to think before they speak, the endangered group is being cautiously reintegrated into select locations nationwide in hopes that they can reestablish permanent communities and one day thrive again.

“We’ve worked for years to stabilize our society’s dwindling population of sane, generally reasonable people, and within the safe confines of our refuge we’ve finally seen their numbers start to bounce back a little,” said Josh Adelson, head of the Cornell research team, which moved the remaining members of the group into a protected habitat in 1998 to keep them from dying off completely. “Now, we can very gradually begin to release this rare breed of rational humans back into the general public. With luck, they can survive and prosper.”

A member of the endangered subtype of human, who possesses the unusual abilities to calmly reflect on situations and view the world from others’ perspectives, is reintroduced into the population.

“Our hope is that within a century or so, the traits for making sound long-term decisions and being able to tolerate people different from oneself will propagate and begin to reemerge within the species at large,” he continued.

Prior to the conservation efforts, it is believed that even-tempered people with sound judgment and the ability to put the needs of others before themselves had dwindled to less than 150 within the country’s borders, and had gone completely extinct in the nation’s businesses and civic institutions. Experts widely agree that without isolation, protection, and captive-breeding programs, the remaining thoughtful, foresighted individuals would have been totally wiped out.

While admitting that the project’s reintroduction phase would be complex and its success far from assured, Adelson stressed that such measures were nevertheless absolutely necessary if responsible and emotionally mature humans able to see beyond the immediate gratification of their basest desires were ever to reestablish a foothold in society.

“Obviously, we have taken great precautions before releasing these individuals into an environment where demonstrations of good sense, open-mindedness, and basic human empathy are perceived as signs of weakness and quickly preyed upon,” said Adelson, who noted that to ease the transition during their first month acclimating to society, the endangered population would be kept away from television, the internet, advertisements, and all other forms of media. “For example, we’ve trained them for the inevitable encounters they will face with large groups of people incapable of separating emotions from arguments.”

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27 Responses to Scientists slowly reintroducing small group of normal, well-adjusted humans into society

  1. Adrienne says:

    The problem with these Onion pieces is it’s too close to the truth. On April Fools day, it was very hard to determine which articles were spoofs and which were not.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Ha! Those poor creatures, they won’t stand a chance…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. teachezwell says:

    This is TOO much! I had never heard of The Onion before. And I love your cheery spring theme.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. teachezwell says:

    Reblogged this on Teachezwell Blog and commented:
    Just what the doctor ordered….

    Liked by 1 person

  5. […] Source: Scientists slowly reintroducing small group of normal, well-adjusted humans into society […]

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I was surprised to learn there were any of these creatures left 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. […] blog of the day is Bluebird Of Bitterness, with a post on reintroducing normal, well adjusted people back into […]

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    If you find any of these endangered creatures in YOUR neighbourhood, please give them all the support you can… 😃🐵

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Reblogged this on texthistory and commented:
    Definitely been a shortage of these for a long time. Look forward to seeing if they can cope in the wild.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Brilliant. Right on point.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. […] Scientists slowly reintroducing small group of normal, well-adjusted humans into society […]

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Will S. says:

    Reblogged this on Will S.' Sunny Side Blog.

    Liked by 1 person

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