Mother’s Day classic: Why birth order matters

PREGNANCY

1st baby: You start wearing maternity clothes as soon as you have a positive pregnancy test.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as you can squeeze into them.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH

1st baby: You practice your breathing exercises religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother, because you learned the hard way that the breathing exercises don’t help.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

BABY’S WARDROBE

1st baby: You pre-wash all the baby clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold and store them neatly.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and throw out only the ones with the worst stains.

3rd baby: A few boxes of disposable diapers and a small stack of hand-me-down t-shirts will do the trick.

AT HOME

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby in rapt wonder.

2nd baby: You spend a good bit of every day checking to see that your firstborn isn’t poking, hitting, strangling, or suffocating the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

HANDLING A FUSSY BABY

1st baby: You pick the baby up the second he whimpers.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his wails threaten to wake his older sibling.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to wind up the mechanical swing.

PACIFIER

1st baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you don’t give it back until you’ve sterilized it in boiling water.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you don’t give it back until you’ve run it under the faucet.

3rd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you pick it up, wipe it on your sleeve, and pop it back in.

DIAPERS

1st baby: You change the baby’s diaper every hour whether he needs it or not.

2nd baby: You change the baby’s diaper every three or four hours… maybe.

3rd baby: You change the baby’s diaper when it starts sagging down to his knees.

PHOTOGRAPHS

1st baby: Thousands, carefully organized in lovely photo albums.

2nd baby: Hundreds, haphazardly arranged in discount store photo albums.

3rd baby: Dozens, stored in shoeboxes on a shelf until someone finds the time to do something with them.

ACTIVITIES

1st baby: You take the baby to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swimming Classes, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take the baby to Baby Story Hour.

3rd baby: You take the baby to the grocery store, the drug store, and your older children’s Pee Wee Soccer games.

BABYSITTERS

1st baby: The first time you leave the baby with a sitter, you call home every half hour to make sure everything is all right.

2nd baby: When you have a sitter, you leave a number where you can be reached in an emergency.

3rd baby: You leave a number, but tell the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

FOREIGN OBJECTS

1st child: When your child swallows a coin, you rush him to the emergency room for x-rays.

2nd child: When your child swallows a coin, you wait and watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When your child swallows a coin, you say, “That’s coming out of your allowance.”

38 Responses to Mother’s Day classic: Why birth order matters

  1. franhunne4u says:

    Well, I was the third child, thank you for explaining my state …

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was the fourth, and I’m still looking for an explanation…

      Liked by 1 person

      • franhunne4u says:

        It could only get worse after child three.

        Liked by 1 person

      • “I was the fourth, and I’m still looking for an explanation…”

        Heh. I was 4th out of 5, and #5 was a girl, six years younger than me, so unlike with my older siblings, I couldn’t tease and beat up on the next one down. I tended to catch it from both directions.

        Not only does #4 not get the hunting trips with grampaw, life tips from mom & dad, or whatever else that the oldest kids got (new clothes & toys, not hand-me-downs), not only did elders and teachers treat me like I was the troublemaker my older brothers were, but Mom still talks about things she says I said or did, and I have to say, no, that was my brother – even happened again on Mother’s Day.

        Good thing I’m in my seventh decade and don’t have to care about any of that anymore. 🙄

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This list is priceless – all true!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on saywhatumean2say and commented:
    Thank heaven I was a “First Baby”. ~~dru~~

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hahahaa. All so true.

    Of course, we had 2nd & 3rd babies at the same time, so, some variations for ours.

    First baby: You’re grateful for the gift of diaper service, and happy to hand the poor worker a bag full of filthy ones, as you are handed a big bag of clean diapers. And proud of not polluting with plastic.

    Second+Third babies: Parents of multiples receive a special exemption from ecological restrictions – big, big boxes of disposables!

    Liked by 3 people

    • My second baby was so large while still in utero that my doctor suspected twins and ordered an ultrasound. I got all excited and went home and told my husband that we might be having twins. Then when the ultrasound showed just one very large baby, I felt terribly let down, and I was kind of ticked off at my doctor for having gotten my hopes up just to have them disappointed.

      As for the cloth vs. disposable thing, my grandson wears cloth diapers, and boy, do they ever leak… usually when he’s sitting on my lap. It means I have to change my clothes more frequently, which means more laundry, which I can’t imagine is good for the environment. You just can’t win. 🙂

      Like

      • “…so large while still in utero that my doctor suspected twins…”

        We were in kind-of the opposite situation. There is diabetes in Milady’s family which can produce large kids, so as she started getting big fast, we thought that might be the problem.

        Also, our friends, the couple next door, had just found out they were going to have twins, so we didn’t think the lightning would strike twice. (Actually, there were other sets of twins around that time on our block – and there was talk of a randy mailman…!!)

        But Milady’s sister, a nurse, palpatated… palpit… felt around, and said, she thought there were two heads in there – and the ultrasound proved her right.

        Fortunately, each head had its own body. 😮

        Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s all good, and the final zinger is great.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Will S. says:

    Ha! 🙂

    So glad I’m an only child… 😉

    Happy Mother’s Day, BoB! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Reblogged this on Welcome to my Blog and commented:
    Too all the 1-3 children 4 children and more good luck!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Just read to my husband and father of my 3 sons. When I started reading the babysitter one he said “Uh oh. For the 3rd child they leave a number, but it isn’t theirs.”

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    The Bluebird of Bitterness with something I am sure most mother’s can relate to. Head over and check out the whole list… #recommended

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
    Hilarious.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hilarious. Some of these bring back memories. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Scarlett says:

    haha although I don’t have children yet, I work with them and this really made me giggle 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. macjam47 says:

    As the mother of three sons, I can vouch for the truth in this. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  14. thetimidmouse says:

    Thank you for making me laugh. This was amazing. Kudos to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I just wanted to let you know that I did share this over on my blog, http://www.itsamomslife.blog giving you full credit and linking your blog back. Thank you so much for making me laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

%d bloggers like this: