Holiday classic: Christmas fruitcake recipe


1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 cup mixed nuts
1 gallon whiskey

1. Put the butter and sugar in a large bowl.

2. Check the whiskey to make sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.

3. Turn on the mixer. 

4. Beat the butter and sugar in the bowl.

5. Check the whiskey again. Cry another tup. Or two.

6. Turn off the mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl, along with the dried fruit.

7. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

8. Sample the whiskey again to check for consisticity.

9. Sift the salt. Or something. Who cares.

10. Repeat Step 8.

11. Sift the lemon juice. Strain the nuts. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever.

12. Grease the oven.

13. Set the cake pan to 350 degrees.

14. Beat off the turner.

15. Throw the bowl out the window and finish off what’s left of the whiskey.

29 Responses to Holiday classic: Christmas fruitcake recipe

  1. Thasch a REAL Klaschik BluuBurd – HIC 😱

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I LOVE cooking with whiskey. This recipe looks like a winner!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. says:

    Or you could poke holes in the finished caked, pour whiskey over the top, pack it nicely, send it to someone you really don’t like very much, and finish the whiskey until the package is sent back to you as something “homemade from the kitchen of…” ie the person you sent it to.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Fantastic post, now excuse me while I go to check on my whiskey stocks.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Reblogged this on saywhatumean2say and commented:
    My kind of recipe. ~~dru~~

    Liked by 1 person

  6. GP Cox says:

    You had me at one GALLON of whiskey – MY kind of cake!!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’ve seen this one so many times, but it never ceases to be funny!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Well I’ve never seen this recipe before and I think it’s just the one I should make. I think I’ll use wum instead of riskey.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. I’ll have to pass. Last alcohol use March 2, 2002.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. As soon as I read “a gallon of whiskey”, I knew something was up, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. My grandmother used to make good fruitcake. I saw something in the store once, a kind of rectangular fruitcake log or something, that was very light in color and didn’t even resemble any fruitcake that I’ve ever seen.

    Maybe I’ll check out the monks. They’re supposed to make good fruitcake.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Adrienne says:

    My mom actually made fabulous fruit cake. Lots of brandy in it and aged for several months in our basement pantry. I have her recipe, so one year I was going to make it. By the time I got all the ingredients in the cart and mentally added up the total, I put it all back since I couldn’t afford to make it. I could afford the brandy, so I settled for that. hic

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Even though I suspected where this was going, practically from the headline, it didn’t make it any less funny. You just keep on posting the best stuff, BoB.

    This brought to mind the classic Henry Morgan routine, Twelve Bottles (link should cue to 3:58).

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
    Wow! Merry Christmas!

    Liked by 1 person

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