Bar jokes for non-English majors

Ever since I published Bar jokes for English majors and More bar jokes for English majors, I’ve been thinking that, in the interest of inclusiveness, I ought to run a collection of bar jokes for people who, for whatever reason, majored in something other than English. Here’s what I came up with:

❧HISTORY: Julius Caesar walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” says the bartender. Caesar replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for a double.”

❧PSYCHOLOGY: Pavlov walks into a bar. Just as he sits down, his phone rings, and Pavlov says, “Oh crap! I forgot to feed the dogs.”

❧MATH: An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the fourth can speak, the bartender puts two beers on the bar and says, “You guys need to know your limits.”

❧PHILOSOPHY: René Descartes walks into a bar and has a drink. When the bartender asks if he’ll have another, Descartes says “I think not,” and disappears.

❧MUSIC: C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.

❧PHYSICS: Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar…and doesn’t.

❧CHEMISTRY: Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have a glass of H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have a glass of water.” The first scientist fumes silently, angry that his assassination plot has failed.

❧FILM STUDIES: Into a bar Yoda walked.

❧PRE-MED: A cardiologist walks into Dick’s Bar and orders an almond daiquiri. Dick is out of almonds, so he substitutes hickory nuts. The cardiologist tastes the drink and asks, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” and Dick replies, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

❧EVERY STUDENT WORKING ON A TERM PAPER: Jimmy Wales walks into a bar [citation needed].

NOTE: Readers are welcome to add their own bar jokes in the comments section, provided that they a) relate to an academic discipline; b) are in good taste and suitable for a PG-rated site; and c) are are short, sweet, and to the point (nothing long and rambling, please). Any jokes that do not meet these criteria will be deleted by the dean and the student responsible will receive a failing grade for the term.

38 Responses to Bar jokes for non-English majors

  1. Oh crumb. I have to ask my scientist son about some of these. On delayed laughter.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Laura B Mielcarek says:

    These are brilliant, thanks!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Willow says:

    Is it sad that I understood almost all of these? I was an English major, but I had a lot of science and engineering friends.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. […] via Bar jokes for non-English majors — bluebird of bitterness […]

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    Exercise your humour muscles with BlueBird 😄

    Liked by 3 people

  6. franhunne4u says:

    A law student walks into a bar. “I hope you have insurance.”

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Donnalee says:

    Most of these cracked me up immediately (Catholic school education and read alot of books), and the only ones I am a little blank on is H2O (best guess: form matters in gas and matter), and the last line of the music one is more punny than precise like the previous bits, so I say okay and shrug. I do not know Jimmy Wales.

    The rest are hysterical to me. Thanks!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I’ll stick to whiskey

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Tom Gould says:

    Literature. William Shakespeare walks into a bar. Bar tender says, “You’re barred”.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. V.M.Sang says:

    I love all ofthese, Bob. Keep them coming.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Larry Geiger says:

    Statistics: Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” The barman pulls out just two beers. The mathematicians are all like, “That’s all you’re giving us? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?” The bartender says, “Come on guys. Know your limits.”

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Abigail says:

    As a precious student of Latin, I appreciated the history joke. As a prospective math major, I have a soft spot for math jokes. Yours about limits reminds me of one I’ve read before about a mathematician and an engineer that go into a bar and see a beautiful woman. The mathematician figures that if he moves 1/2 of distance to the woman, then half of that distance, and so on, he’ll never reach her. “It’s impossible,” he tells the engineer. The engineer, undeterred, declares, “It’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”

    Liked by 4 people

  13. RobbyeFaye says:

    LOL, these are great!

    Liked by 3 people

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