Sunday funnies

From The Babylon Bee.

Average American Now Complains More in a Week Than People Living Through the Black Plague Did Their Entire Lives

Demonstrating just how bad modern life has gotten, surveys now show that the average American today complains more in a week than people living during the black plague complained throughout their entire 30-year life span.

“There’s just so much more going wrong now,” said Karen Maxwell, a college student. “Things were just much simpler during the Black Death. All they had to deal with was squalor, starvation, and the constant threat of disease. Nowadays we have microaggressions, student debt, gluten, unequal pay for women, GMOs, problematic things like Scarlett Johansson playing a transgender man. The list just goes on and on. So it’s no wonder we complain more.”

“It just makes sense,” she added before going back to using her smartphone, a device that would have seemed like dark magic to people living just a hundred years ago.

Studies back up Maxwell, as there are recorded only a handful of common complaints from the 14th century such as large boils, lack of food, and everyone dying. In the present day, though, there are thousands of things people complain about daily — poor cell service, traffic jams, unripe avocados, obesity, favorite TV shows being canceled — problems no one six hundred years ago had to deal with at all.

“It’s just a miserable time to live in,” Troy Walker said while eating a burrito in an air conditioned food court, something that would probably confuse and scare a 14th century European. “All the disease back in the 1300s sounds bad, but at least they didn’t have high health care costs from it since they didn’t have health care. And look how we’re being exploited by capitalism.” Walker pointed to his iPhone. “But in plague-ridden Europe, most people had pretty much nothing, so they didn’t have to worry about that.”

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Struggling Chemistry Teacher Takes to Life of Crime Manufacturing Plastic Straws to Sell on Streets of Santa Barbara

Local Mom Drops ‘Bored’ Kids Off at School Three Weeks Early

Man Identifies as Woman, Immediately Receives 23% Pay Cut

Russian Spy Captured, Found to Have Several Smaller Russian Spies Nested Inside

Man Struck Dead for Bearing False Witness After Clicking ‘I Have Read and Accept These Terms and Conditions’

Church Kicks Off Fun-Filled ‘Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God’ Themed VBS

16 Responses to Sunday funnies

  1. egorr says:

    I read this to my wife, using the appropriate voices, of course…

    Snowflakes, all…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh heck! I’ve been routinely IGNORING that “Terms Read and Accepted”. I wonder if I’ll be publicly flogged or what. That’d have to be better than being struck dead. I’ll make a deal..on SUNDAYS (only) I’ll actually read and accept their terms and conditions…that ought to satisfy most deities, don’t you think?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Patricia says:

    Seems we are miserable folks who can’t see the blessings of life. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  4. […] via Sunday funnies — bluebird of bitterness […]

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Funny one. Eeyore world.

    Re: “smartphone, a device that would have seemed like dark magic to people living just a hundred years ago.”

    Can you believe we’re now so far into the future that a hundred years ago was merely 1918! They already had phones, radio, and Jules Verne. So, a phone in your pocket? Many then would’ve said, sure, why not?

    Having pretty much the entirety of human knowledge packed inside and, basically, everyone has one – now, that is something I don’t think anyone could have anticipated.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Uh-oh. I was immoderate again. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Abigail says:

    This Babylon Bee is hilarious!

    What is with the recent attack on gluten? I know that celiac’s disease exists, but why must we all then demonize bread? It has sustained our ancestors for thousands of years. As for unripe avocados, they are a disappointing discovery when you want some guacamole on your toast.

    Jokes aside, the disillusionment of today irks me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Celiac disease certainly exists, although estimates of how many people actually suffer from it vary wildly. That said, there are legions of people who, celiac or not, claim to feel better after they cut gluten out of their diets. My suspicion is that most of them feel better because, as a practical matter, giving up gluten means giving up all fast food and nearly all junk food, and then they end up eating real food instead.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Abigail says:

        I agree with your suspicions.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I thought the gluten-free craze was crazy. For sure, I was never going to join their club. I loved my gluten goodies too much.

        Last year, I had my DNA tested by 23andMe. And learned that I have the gene that causes celiac disease.

        Really? No way! I was doing just fine on my gluten diet. Surely, if I had celiac disease, I would have realized it a long time ago, right?

        I did some googling and discovered that there are different degrees of celiac. For some people with a milder case of celiac, the symptoms are very subtle. Like not being able to absorb all of the nutrients in your food, so that your blood tests indicate that you are deficient in things that you eat plenty of. That was me, woefully deficient in vitamin D, despite taking a D supplement. Another problem I had was a lot of unexplained inflammation, which apparently happens when you have celiac disease and you eat a lot of gluten.

        So, as an experiment, I cut all gluten from my diet for a month. And now, seriously, I feel twenty years younger!

        Whether it’s because I am no longer eating junk, I don’t know. I wasn’t eating much junk before. Regardless, I am now a Certified Gluten-free Nut! 😁

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Ha, ha. This is great. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

%d bloggers like this: