Pastoral Search Committee Report
The committee thanks everyone who suggested candidates for this position. We have followed up on each one. Here is our report:
Adam: Good man but has problems with his wife.
Noah: Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Joseph: Obnoxious braggart with a prison record.
Moses: Has a speech impediment and a bad temper. Rumored to have left an earlier position over a murder charge.
David: Had an affair with a married woman, then had her husband bumped off and used the power of his office to avoid charges.
Solomon: Good preacher, but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Bad temper, prone to depression and occasional suicidal tendencies.
Hosea: Good man, but our people could never handle his wife’s profession.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things.
Isaiah: Claims to have seen angels in church.
Jonah: Refused God’s call until after he’d been swallowed by a giant fish.
Amos: Has hangups about wealthy people. Might fit in better with a poorer congregation.
John: Claims to be a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Weird diet.
Jesus: Provokes denominational leaders. Seldom stays in one place long.
Peter: Too blue collar. Bad temper. Rumored to have denied Christ publicly.
Paul: Tactless, has a prison record, and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Judas: Good connections. Knows how to handle money. Cares about the poor. We’ve invited him to preach this Sunday.