This story originally appeared in The New Yorker on July 25, 1994.
How I Met My Wife
by Jack WinterIt had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I’d have to make bones about it, since I was travelling cognito. Beknowst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn’t be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion. So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make head or tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated—as if this were something I was great shakes at—and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had not time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d’oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savoury character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. “What a perfect nomer,” I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
bluebird of bitterness 
This is evitably and dubitably good but, alas, slightly perfect!
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Even more alack and alaska, I understood it. My tocols may not be up to par when it comes to nomancing, but I do understand that traction when it meets. B.
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Lololol
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Delightful!
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Sorry, not sure what the intrinsic meaning is in all this. 🤔
But thanks anyway Bitter Bluebird!
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No meaning — just a fun use of language.
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Oh, fun! I was looking too deeply! 😀
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Lisa Beth, you have to concentrate on how some of the words are NORMALLY spoken. Look: “It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.” (no one ever speaks like this.)
He was very chalant (usually use nonchalant.) he wanted to appear gruntled (usually use DISgruntled.) he wanted to appear consolate (usu. use DISconsolate.)
When I started reading this, I thought, “what the heck is ‘chalant’? Didn’t get it til later.
Merillion (Marilyn)
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I got that. But didn’t realize the point of that. 🙂
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You’re looking for a deeper meaning where there is none. 🙂
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I know!
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Love it!
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This was clever as heaven!
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I possess a lovely little poster made by a friend that says (in calligraphy) “Stay Gruntled”. Until then, I had never realised there was such a word! He also did one that said “Be Alert. The world needs more Lerts.”
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Brilliant idea and execution.
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I joyed that (even though it means the same as enjoyed!).
Cute blog!
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Ah, the English language. You can turn it inside out, upside down, and still be able to understand it! 😀
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Very clever 😀
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That was enjoyable. I always appreciate people who are chalant.
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I love this!
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