Methuselah broke after 700 years of writing $5 birthday checks to grandkids

From The Babylon Bee.

MESOPOTAMIA — Local patriarch Methuselah has lost all of his wealth after enduring several centuries of writing $5.00 birthday checks to grandchildren. The aged man, who claims to be almost a thousand years old, has since filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy and will have his assets liquidated.

According to sources, Methuselah’s financial trouble first became public knowledge after a $5.00 birthday check to his grandson Noah bounced. Noah’s birthday was ruined.

“What am I supposed to do?” Methuselah told bankers. “Not write checks to my grandchildren? It’s one of the chief patriarchal responsibilities!”

With his bank account shut down and no way to pay recurring bills, his grandson Noah helped the elderly patriarch file for bankruptcy.

“It’s really not fair,” Methuselah wrote in his application for bankruptcy. “My father was caught up to Heaven when he was still a young 365-year-old man. My inheritance was minimal!”

City officials have reportedly met with social workers in an attempt to better understand the hardships of the 969-year-old man and provide him with basic assistance.

Attorneys specializing in elder law have offered their services to help Methuselah restructure his debt by mapping out his family tree. They argue that no one could withstand the financial burden of so many grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren. It has been argued, therefore, that debt forgiveness by King Ubara-Tutu must be delivered forthwith.

At publishing time, Methuselah revealed his reasoning for asset forfeiture rather than restructuring his debt. “Everything’s going to be underwater soon anyway.”

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 9th, 2022 at 12:56 pm and is filed under Babylon Bee. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

7 Responses to Methuselah broke after 700 years of writing $5 birthday checks to grandkids

  1. Krista says:
    October 9, 2022 at 1:19 pm

    Very funny 😆😄

    Liked by 2 people

  2. beth says:
    October 9, 2022 at 1:44 pm

    ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Peter's pondering says:
    October 9, 2022 at 3:13 pm

    If anyone should know, Noah’s the man!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Kara Aharon says:
    October 10, 2022 at 1:37 pm

    Only $5 for a birthday check?

    Liked by 1 person

    • bluebird of bitterness says:
      October 12, 2022 at 9:59 am

      Five bucks was worth a lot more a few millennia ago. Heck, it was worth a lot more sixty years ago! When I was a young whippersnapper, getting five bucks on my birthday made me feel downright wealthy.

      Like

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