Scholars now believe Esau sold his birthright for marshmallow Jell-O salad

From The Babylon Bee.

BEER-LAHAI-ROI — Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow and Jell-O salad.

Ancient writings confirm Jacob prepared the delectable dish knowing how much everyone loved it, including his brother.

“This story makes sense now; who could resist a deliciously fluffy green Jell-O salad?” said biblical scholar Dr. Heb Rewguy, brimming with excitement. “We scholars had always been doubtful of the old translation claiming a man would sell his entire birthright for a bit of pottage. I mean, WTF, amirite?”

Researchers also revealed a vast network of marshmallow trade routes spanning the ancient Holy Lands. This so-called “Mallow Road” bustled with travel and trade all year long, but was busiest in the weeks leading up to Israeli Thanksgiving.

At publishing time, scholars had confirmed that the manna provided by God to the Israelites was actually a cabbage and raisin Jell-O salad.

19 Responses to Scholars now believe Esau sold his birthright for marshmallow Jell-O salad

  1. It has been suggested that the manna provided by God was actually magic mushrooms that could be dried, made into flour then made into bread. They say that the proof lies in the matter that during their ingestion of this mushroom bread period, the Israelites entered into an especially spiritual and mystical relationship with God. Naturally, this special relationship evaporated when manna was no longer provided. A little psilocybin works.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Blech!!!! I have to admit that my distaste for jello salad comes from the fact that my aunt always called it Jello Mold and all I could think of was it must be filled with little moldy slivers not veggies… in fact the name so put me off that I never tried it as a kid or as an adult. But as a twin myself I can swear in certainty that nothing would have made me sell any birthright just for that!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. When I traveled to the Pacific Northwest at rural town Sunday buffets the rage dessert bar had 7 different flavors of Jello ! Bleh. No cheese cake or cannolis either.

    Liked by 2 people

    • The Night Wind says:

      I’m not surprised. I moved to the PNW a few years ago, and learned that ‘Pabst Blue Ribbon’ is their idea of a great beer; and that kale and chard are considered gourmet vegetables. I’ll bet if somebody started brewing coffee out of dandelion roots and acorns like they did in wartime Europe, they could sell it to these yahoos at high prices.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. There’s always room for Jell-O.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Kara Aharon says:

    As Esau was very tired and weak after a day of hunting, Jacob should have offered him something a little more nourishing.
    BTW there is no Israeli Thanksgiving. But it’s a nice thought.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The Night Wind says:

    Given the state of today’s Academia, I can’t decide whether this is satire or not. I wouldn’t be surprised if The History Channel ran a series on “Jesus and Gelatin: How the Early Christians Brought Molded Salads to Christmas.”
    Actually the fruitcake would be a more appropriate symbol of today’s Theological Departments.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. egorr says:

    A cabbage and raisin Jell-O salad?? Oy!! I would have killed myself after three days of that “food”!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. beth says:

    or the one with crushed pretzels and marshmallows

    Liked by 1 person

  9. jenny_o says:

    I can’t imagine why the first person to ever make one of those “salads” thought it was a good idea! I do like jello, especially with a dollop of whipped cream, but raw veggies in jello is just a travesty! lol

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Jell-O salad; right up there with the much hated fruit cake. Even Bill Cosby wouldn’t eat it.

    Dr. Heb Rewguy. Epic!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Jennie says:

    Jell-o-salad has been around for a long, long, time.

    Liked by 1 person

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