Scholars now believe Pharaoh had his head baker hanged for putting walnuts in brownies

From The Babylon Bee.

EGYPT — Scholars have uncovered new evidence showing that Pharaoh’s infamous hanging of his chief baker was a result of discovering walnuts in his brownies.

“I’m sorry, but this is disgusting and I’m going to have to kill you,” Pharaoh is believed to have said. “I was so pumped for this brownie, and just wow — what a letdown. Get the noose!”

Recorded in the book of Genesis, the story of the head baker’s seemingly unwarranted execution has long puzzled Bible scholars. “We have always wondered what exactly a baker could do to warrant instant hanging. It all makes sense now,” said Old Testament Studies professor Dr. Lisa Gold. “Walnuts in a brownie? He’s lucky Pharaoh didn’t feed him to the lions.”

In the Genesis account, the baker initially asks Joseph to interpret a dream in which birds are eating baked goods out of three baskets on his head. “Yeah, he’s going to straight up kill you,” responded Joseph. “I don’t know why exactly, but it’s clear you deserved it. Anything else I can help with?”

Scholars also say that the baker’s initial imprisonment was most likely due to an ill-fated attempt to make gluten-free pancakes.

(Hat tip to my friend Herb, who shares Pharaoh’s feelings about walnuts.)

26 Responses to Scholars now believe Pharaoh had his head baker hanged for putting walnuts in brownies

  1. Haha! I kind of like walnuts, even in brownies.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sue Cass says:

    I don’t particularly care for Brownies so yeah, get that noose! ha, ha.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ubi Dubium says:

    Walnuts in brownies? Heresy! The baker got off easy.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh I love my walnut tree that gives me free walnuts to put in all the brownies and gluten-free pancakes I can make. But I do agree. The baker should have definitely asked first…

    Liked by 3 people

  5. jenny_o says:

    I like walnuts but when it comes to brownies I’m a hundred percent with the Pharaoh and Herb 😀

    What’s your preference, b.o.b?

    Liked by 2 people

    • I love brownies and will happily eat them with or without walnuts. But when my kids were little they refused to eat anything that had visible particles of walnut in them, so if a recipe called for walnuts, I would put the nuts in the blender with the eggs and blend them until the nuts were reduced to microscopic particles. It was a great day when I discovered black walnut extract, which you can add to cookies, brownies, cakes, etc. and the walnut haters will be none the wiser. Win-win!

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Paula Light says:


    Liked by 2 people

  7. trentpmcd says:

    So, yeah, I get it. Seems reasonable. I’m sure I would have done the same if I was in Pharoh’s place. Since I’m not Pharnoh, I have to say, “No thanks, I’m not hungry,” as I drool over the non-nut parts of the brownies…

    Liked by 2 people

  8. HA! This is hilarious. Pretty sure I almost single-handedly kept American walnut and pecan growers in business. Threw nuts in almost every baked good that went into my oven. Lo and behold, when my boys were grown they told me they didn’t care for nuts in stuff—especially walnuts. No guilt here though. It made them the strong, (slightly nutty) men they are today.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. The Night Wind says:

    The scholars who discovered this will likely get a feature on the History Channel and a tenured chair at Yale.
    An old colleague in Academia Incorporated told me after reading this that Ancient Aliens brought cookbooks with them along with the blueprints for the Pyramids and Sphinx. He said that walnuts were not native to their home planet, and so their brownies never contained nuts.
    He’s in the process now of writing a dissertation—already endorsed by several experts—that the Forbidden Fruit in the Garden of Eden was actually a walnut tree; hence walnuts were taboo in ancient times. According to his theory, Adam and Eve got caught because, in their State of Innocence, they didn’t know that the shells had to be removed first.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Herb says:

    lol! Thanks for the shout-out.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. egorr says:

    I see absolutely nothing wrong with walnuts in brownies.

    Pineapple on a pizza, however, is a crime against nature, and should be dealt with accordingly.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Clearly he was a nut job!
    I better draw the curtains and lock the doors; I love walnuts – in ice cream, in carrot cake, in a salad and even in brownies.
    Like I said … nub job! 🐿️

    Liked by 2 people

  13. That head baker should have “cleared” the walnuts first with Pharaoh. Not getting that approval ahead of time was just…nuts.

    Liked by 1 person

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