Cat rests up in preparation for long night running up and down stairs

October 16, 2021

From The Babylon Bee.

MENIFEE, CA—Local unemployed cat Autumn got another good day’s rest Thursday in preparation for a long evening running up and down the stairs at random times.

“Sporadically running upstairs, and then downstairs, and then upstairs again to keep my humans awake is exhausting,” Autumn told reporters, yawning as she woke up from her seventh nap of the day. “It’s not an easy job, but someone has to do it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go meow by my food dish so my humans can move the food around and make it look like there’s more food in there than there is.”

The cat says she is planning on some new moves today, including a few parkour tricks like jumping off the walls and kicking over a laundry basket and then fleeing through the house like a bat out of heck. 

Autumn has also filed a complaint of animal abuse against her owners for only holding the door open for her for seven hours at a time while she decides if she wants to go outside or stay inside.


Sunday funnies

October 10, 2021

From The Babylon Bee.

The TL;DR Edition of All 66 Books of the Bible

Forget about reading through the Bible in a year—now you can read through the Bible in about five minutes!

Genesis – God makes everything and it’s really good for about 3.2 seconds.

Exodus – YAHWEH VS. RA FIGHT NIGHT ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Leviticus – STOP DOING GROSS STUFF.

Numbers – Israel makes a wrong turn near Mt. Sinai, refuses to ask for directions.

Deuteronomy – I SAID STOP DOING GROSS STUFF GOSH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Joshua – The hotly anticipated product launch of Moses 2.0.

Judges – A riveting documentary on the doctrine of total depravity.

Ruth – The Bachelorette: Hebrew Edition.

1 Samuel – David & Goliath.

2 Samuel – David & Goliath: The direct-to-VHS sequel.

1 Kings – Solomon marries a ton of women and that turns out to be a really bad idea. Who knew!

2 Kings – Israel and Judah go 0-for-2 in a deathmatch against Babylon and Assyria. Shoulda declared Philippians 4:13 over that mess, guys…

1 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has.

2 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has—PART 2.

Ezra – The Temple gets an Extreme Home Makeover.

Nehemiah – Jerusalem gets an Extreme Home Makeover.

Esther – A brave Jewish woman saves her people. Full of more exciting drama and intrigue than any episode of Game of Thrones, plus way more clothing.

Job – Hebrew country music song.

Psalms – An ancient Hillsong album with sheep metaphors instead of ocean metaphors.

Proverbs – GOD PITIES THE FOOL WHO DON’T FOLLOW HIM.

Ecclesiastes – Everything is meaningless, except everything isn’t really meaningless because God gives everything meaning. Whoa.

Song of Solomon – Go ask your parents.

Isaiah – Make Worship Great Again!

Jeremiah – God has a great plan and a future for you and definitely not any suffering nope not at all.

Lamentations – 😥

Ezekiel – A total Lovecraftian mind-trip with bones and eagles and flaming psychedelic wheels and stuff.

Daniel – Daniel fights his own personal lions who also happen to be actual lions that want to eat him.

Hosea – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Joel – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Amos – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Obadiah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Jonah – An anthropomorphic asparagus goes on an adventure with some pirates.

Micah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Nahum – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Habakkuk – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Zephaniah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Haggai – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Zechariah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Malachi – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Matthew – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Messiah.

Mark – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the suffering Servant.

Luke – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of Man.

John – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of God.

Acts – Miracles, shipwrecks, lots of tongues. Basically John MacArthur’s worst nightmare.

Romans – God justifies, man screws stuff up.

1 Corinthians – Stop screwing stuff up, Corinth.

2 Corinthians – CORINTH. I MEAN IT THIS TIME CORINTH.

Galatians – Romans but shorter.

Ephesians – Romans but shorter 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Philippians – You can win sports games through Jesus.

Colossians – Jesus rules all of creation, yes even the weird stuff like platypi.

1 Thessalonians – Jesus is coming around the mountain when he comes.

2 Thessalonians – A letter full of encouragement and inspiration, like an ancient Max Lucado book.

1 Timothy – Ladies, plz stop talking.

2 Timothy – Paul gives his dying instructions to Timothy, much like Yoda to Luke in Return of the Jedi.

Titus – Basically a first-century vision-casting conference for young pastors.

Philemon – Paul’s passive-aggressive anti-slavery manifesto.

Hebrews – Moses gets straight ethered for 13 chapters.

James – Act more gooder, people.

1 Peter – U gonna suffer fam.

2 Peter – Bro, Paul’s really confusing plz help.

1 John – God is love m’kay?

2 John – Yup, He’s still love.

3 John – HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT PEOPLE GOSH.

Jude – Stop being heretics plz, k thx bye.

Revelation – Kirk Cameron fights the Antichrist in order to save Christmas from the new world order. Thanks, Kirk!


Local mom drops bored kids off at school three weeks early

August 2, 2021

From The Babylon Bee.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Local mom Denise James was seen Monday morning dropping her kids off at Hathaway Middle School, which raised a few eyebrows in her community since school doesn’t start for another three weeks.

James’s three children, ages 11, 9, and 7, reportedly spent the day sitting on the front steps of the school, backpacks on, sack lunches in hand. When asked why they were at school early, the oldest, Aiden, said: “We told my mom we were bored… again.”

“They have five iPads upstairs, two dirt bikes in the garage and a water slide, and they want to say they’re BORED? I don’t think so,” James said. “I told them if they said the word ‘bored’ one more time, they were going to school. I wasn’t joking.”

The tension in James’s home began to build at the beginning of July, when the mom of three realized they had gotten to the end of their “summer activities” list a month too soon. VBS, baseball games and science camp ended at the end of June, and with them, James’s sanity.

“I tried to hold on. Other parents told me it would get better,” James explained. “But it didn’t. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Critics have suggested James’s parenting tactics are too extreme. Others have said she didn’t go far enough. For her part, James shows no signs of changing her mind.

“I have no regrets.”


Experts are super smart and 100% reliable, experts confirm

April 28, 2021

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A new study performed by experts has confirmed that experts always know what they’re talking about and never, ever just make stuff up to sound smart, experts confirmed today.

“Experts are always to be trusted and have never been wrong before,” said the experts at the recent Expert Conference, Sponsored by Experts. “Experts are so smart. And also really good-looking and not socially awkward. You should be friends with experts, ’cause, uh, experts are really neato.”

“All of this is to say, you really should trust the experts. Experts are way more accurate than the non-experts.” The experts then pointed to a chart that had some lines and circles on it and nodded, looking to one another for confirmation. They all concurred the graphics confirmed their findings that they are smart. They then turned to another panel of experts, who also confirmed that they were smart, in exchange for the original panel of experts saying they are smart back.

At publishing time, experts had further confirmed that you definitely shouldn’t stuff them into lockers and give them wedgies, because they are actually super cool and not nerds who got picked on in high school.


Sunday funnies

July 19, 2020

From The Babylon Bee.

Regular VBS Volunteers Enjoy Most Peaceful Summer in Years

U.S.—Regular VBS volunteers across the country are enjoying their most peaceful summer in years, sources confirmed Friday.

The people who usually volunteer at their church’s VBS for some reason thanked the Lord for even a single year of respite. Not having to make fifty gallons of punch a day, prepare hundreds of little cups of Goldfish crackers, and make their fingers bleed by helping kids glue together macaroni Jesuses for a week, they instead are spending their time resting, relaxing, and thanking God for His grace.

“While the pandemic is definitely bad, the silver lining is we don’t have to endure a week of mind-searing insanity,” said Sarah Pateo of Albuquerque. “I am well-rested. I haven’t had a mental breakdown while trying to create a pipe-cleaner Jonah. And I don’t have those infernal songs stuck inside my head.”

“So I’m NOT saying that the pandemic is good — but I am saying God works in mysterious ways,” she concluded as she relaxed with a book and an ice-cold lemonade that may or may not have had vodka in it.

At publishing time, the nation’s regular VBS volunteers had admitted that “it’s kinda crazy, but I actually do miss it a little bit.”


Citing tough competition from Amazon, Santa Claus declares bankruptcy

December 3, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

NORTH POLE—Citing his inability to keep up with Amazon’s lightning-fast shipping times and low prices, Santa Claus filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy today and will cease all shipping operations for the 2018 Christmas season.

Kids around the world are less interested in writing a letter to Santa and hoping they get what they wanted by the time December 25 rolls around and more apt to just hop onto their parents’ Amazon account and get exactly what they want with free Prime shipping.

“I take, like, a whole year to ship a few presents, but Amazon can get you stuff the same day—for free!” Claus lamented as he looked over a mounting stack of bills from reindeer handlers, sleigh repair shops, and toy suppliers. “I just can’t compete with that.”

“Amazon is putting more and more mom-and-pop mythical jolly gift-giving operations like mine out of business, and it’s just really sad,” he added.

He claims gift requests are down 425% this year, a massive deficit his operation just can’t overcome. Claus attempted to reignite children’s enthusiasm and build supplemental income by launching a Twitch channel last year, but he kept losing Fortnite matches due to the massive amounts of lag on his internet connection at the North Pole. The channel folded within three months as Claus bled subscribers daily.

Upon the declaration of bankruptcy, Amazon quickly put a bid in on Claus’ assets and will likely emerge as the sole owner of all North Pole operations after reorganization.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Duggar Family Discovers Kid They Forgot They Even Had in Couch Cushions

Global Warming Pinned on Kid Who Keeps Leaving the Front Door Wide Open While the Heater Is On

In Upcoming Reboot, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to Sue Santa Claus for Discrimination

Santa Claus Converts to Calvinism, Moves Everybody to Naughty List


SAT drops scoring system, will award all students participation trophies

November 8, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In a move to lower educational standards even further, the College Board announced Wednesday the organization would be eliminating the scoring system from the SAT exams and replacing any kind of objective scoring with the awarding of participation trophies.

Students taking the test will no longer receive a traditional numerical score and will instead receive a trophy indicating they participated in the exam.

“Upon completion of the exam, whether they answered any questions correctly or not, students will get a gold ‘You Tried!’ sticker and a trophy,” said a College Board representative. “We can’t guarantee this will help prepare your kids for a future career, but it definitely will help them feel good about themselves.”

“That’s what education’s all about, after all,” he added.

Test proctors will roam the room and pat kids on the back throughout the exam, saying things like, “Great job answering ‘C’ on every question there, sport!” and “That’s an amazing drawing of an X-Wing you made all over the page. You’re a special kid, Johnny!”

At publishing time, sources had also confirmed students who take the SAT will be given a juice box and some orange slices.


Experts warn psychopaths may try to give your kids candy corn on Halloween

October 29, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—As many people in the nation prepare to celebrate Halloween, experts are cautioning the nation that some psychopaths may be handing out candy corn along with actual candy this year.

A report issued by government officials stated that many disturbed individuals may try to slip candy corn into your children’s candy bags.

“It appears many mentally ill people are planning on putting small bags of candy corn in with the actual candy,” said a CDC official. “Remember to check your kids’ bags before they accidentally chew on the wax-flavored globs of disgustingness.”

Warning signs that your kids may have inadvertently ingested candy corn include a look of revulsion on their faces, sudden vomiting, and yelling, “Hey, why does this candy taste like I’m chewing on a crayon?”

“Know the warning signs and educate your kids,” the CDC official added. “If they see a stranger handing out candy corn, remind them to run away and alert a law enforcement official.”

At publishing time, CDC officials had also warned parents to look out for flavorless Circus Peanuts.


Sunday funnies

August 12, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

God Confuses All the Languages Again to Stop Everybody from Arguing Online

In a modern-day repeat of the Tower of Babel narrative, the Lord has reportedly confused the languages of everyone who uses the internet in order to stop all the arguing.

The miraculous intervention occurred in an instant, as people around the world suddenly realized their means of communication had been scrambled so as to confound their efforts to flame each other.

A heavenly representative then released the following modern-day revelation, to be added to the end of the Bible, in order to record the event:

And the whole earth was of one internet, and of one online community.

And they said one to another, “Let us build websites and call them Facebook and Twitter, and we shall argue on them and call each other nazis and make each other miserable and angry.”

And the Lord came down to the see the websites which the children of men had built.

And the Lord said, “Behold, the people is one, and they have all one internet and this they begin to do: just yell and scream at each other and make straw-man arguments in their own image. They are completely useless, and they make me sad. Let us go down and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech, and thus stop all the stupid arguing and maybe do something useful with their time instead.”

So the Lord confounded their languages and broke Google Translate and the people were unable to use Twitter or Facebook get in pointless arguments with each other. Some then went on to do useful things, though most just watched something off Netflix.

At publishing time, humanity had agreed to begin to work together to figure out their new languages so they could resume arguing again as soon as possible.

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Humanity Just a Few More Bans Away from Only Having Good Opinions on the Internet

America Fondly Recalls Time When Most Divisive Topic of Discussion Was Sega Vs. Nintendo

Death Penalty Still Permissible For People Who Drive Slowly In The Left Lane, Pope Francis Clarifies

Millennial Drops Support for Socialism After Learning How Hard It Is to Get Avocado Toast in Venezuela

Joel Osteen Targets Millennials with New Book: ‘You Can Even!’

Nation Wonders Who the Heck These People Are with Enough Free Time to Scour the Internet for Old Offensive Tweets


Sunday funnies

August 5, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

Average American Now Complains More in a Week Than People Living Through the Black Plague Did Their Entire Lives

Demonstrating just how bad modern life has gotten, surveys now show that the average American today complains more in a week than people living during the black plague complained throughout their entire 30-year life span.

“There’s just so much more going wrong now,” said Karen Maxwell, a college student. “Things were just much simpler during the Black Death. All they had to deal with was squalor, starvation, and the constant threat of disease. Nowadays we have microaggressions, student debt, gluten, unequal pay for women, GMOs, problematic things like Scarlett Johansson playing a transgender man. The list just goes on and on. So it’s no wonder we complain more.”

“It just makes sense,” she added before going back to using her smartphone, a device that would have seemed like dark magic to people living just a hundred years ago.

Studies back up Maxwell, as there are recorded only a handful of common complaints from the 14th century such as large boils, lack of food, and everyone dying. In the present day, though, there are thousands of things people complain about daily — poor cell service, traffic jams, unripe avocados, obesity, favorite TV shows being canceled — problems no one six hundred years ago had to deal with at all.

“It’s just a miserable time to live in,” Troy Walker said while eating a burrito in an air conditioned food court, something that would probably confuse and scare a 14th century European. “All the disease back in the 1300s sounds bad, but at least they didn’t have high health care costs from it since they didn’t have health care. And look how we’re being exploited by capitalism.” Walker pointed to his iPhone. “But in plague-ridden Europe, most people had pretty much nothing, so they didn’t have to worry about that.”

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Struggling Chemistry Teacher Takes to Life of Crime Manufacturing Plastic Straws to Sell on Streets of Santa Barbara

Man Identifies as Woman, Immediately Receives 23% Pay Cut

Russian Spy Captured, Found to Have Several Smaller Russian Spies Nested Inside

Man Struck Dead for Bearing False Witness After Clicking ‘I Have Read and Accept These Terms and Conditions’


%d bloggers like this: