bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

WORLD — Worship leaders worldwide were left stunned today after word began to spread that the Lord now regrets including the command “Sing unto the Lord a new song” in His Word after hearing the new songs Christians are currently singing.

“God Almighty had really hoped the songwriters he had gifted in the creative arts would do better than they have,” said spokesangel Gabriel in a statement to reporters. “I mean, we understand we’re definitely spoiled with the truly astounding and unspeakably beautiful music we are blessed with in Heaven, but here on earth…‘Good, Good Father?’ Really? We don’t need to hear ‘It’s who you are’ repeated 1800 times. And please don’t even get me started on ‘Oceans.’ What on earth does that song even mean? Do better, humans.”

Heaven’s accompanying press release also expressed exasperation from the Creator of All Things that popular worship acts like Hillsong and Bethel insist on making up their own brands of theology when He literally gave them an actual book full of information and attributes about Himself as a guide.

“This news is obviously a bit discouraging,” said singer/songwriter/
hymn-paraphraser Chris Tomlin when reached for comment. “This is why I shy away from writing my own new material and stick to taking really old, popular hymns and adding bridges and extra choruses.”

At publishing time, the Alpha and Omega was reportedly willing to give the songwriters of humanity another chance (as is His habit) before ushering in the End of Days and pouring out His righteous anger upon the entirety of the post-1900 worship song catalog.

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The back pew at church was voted the best seat in the house among churchgoers for the 58th year running, sources at LifeWay Research confirmed Tuesday.

Regular church attendees were polled on their preferences for a place to sit during a service, with options ranging from the various pews in the sanctuary and the overflow room to the comfort of one’s own home while watching an online broadcast.

Over 92% of those polled stated that sitting in the very back pew is the perfect spot: far enough away that the pastor can’t effectively gaze into your soul, but close enough that you feel good about yourself for showing up unlike those heathens who are playing hooky.

“Respondents did seem to prefer an aisle seat so they can slip out as soon as the last worship song starts, but were almost unanimous in their enthusiasm over finding a spot in the back,” Scott McConnell, executive director of LifeWay Research said. “Things like being able to covertly check sports scores on one’s smartphone and ‘totally space out’ during a sermon without the pastor knowing were both major factors in the popularity of the pew.”

The front pew was voted the second worst spot in church, according to researchers, just behind those chairs onstage behind the pastor.

From The Babylon Bee.

ANGLETON, TX — Local “Coco Loco” waiter Jesús Fernandez reportedly fed five thousand hungry people today with a single order of bottomless chips and salsa.

“The chips, they just kept coming,” said Dale Alexander, one of the five thousand. “Every time you thought they were finished, along came Jesús to deliver another fresh batch. I’m so stuffed.”

Several hundred families reportedly abandoned plans to obtain fajitas, having completely filled themselves with chips and salsa. “I don’t know how it happened,” said local woman Carissa Lane. “I did everything in my power to drain the salsa dish, but it just wouldn’t run dry.”

Several news stations came to interview Mr. Fernandez about the remarkable event. “Truly, truly, I was just doing my job,” said Mr. Fernandez. “I mean, it does say ‘bottomless’. I’m a man of my word.”

At publishing time, Jesús had fed another four thousand people with a single bottomless chip basket.

From The Babylon Bee.

BEER-LAHAI-ROI — Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow and Jell-O salad.

Ancient writings confirm Jacob prepared the delectable dish knowing how much everyone loved it, including his brother.

“This story makes sense now; who could resist a deliciously fluffy green Jell-O salad?” said biblical scholar Dr. Heb Rewguy, brimming with excitement. “We scholars had always been doubtful of the old translation claiming a man would sell his entire birthright for a bit of pottage. I mean, WTF, amirite?”

Researchers also revealed a vast network of marshmallow trade routes spanning the ancient Holy Lands. This so-called “Mallow Road” bustled with travel and trade all year long, but was busiest in the weeks leading up to Israeli Thanksgiving.

At publishing time, scholars had confirmed that the manna provided by God to the Israelites was actually a cabbage and raisin Jell-O salad.