Historians discover Israelite children refused to eat manna unless mom cut the crust off

February 20, 2022
From The Babylon Bee.

JERUSALEM—Historians have discovered new evidence that when God provided miraculous bread to feed the Israelites in the wilderness after their exodus from Egypt, Israelite children refused to eat the manna until their moms had carefully removed the crust.

“After poring over a trove of newly found scrolls, it seems the ancient Israelite children were every bit as whiny as their parents,” said Old Testament scholar Nikolai Popov. “These new documents show children frequently complained about leaving slavery in Egypt, saying ‘at least in Egypt we had ham and cheese Lunchables!’ They also demanded their moms cut the manna into fun shapes like ‘Mount Horeb’ or ‘Pillar of Fire’.”

The children also were reportedly unimpressed with miraculous quail, instead begging every night for hot dogs and macaroni. Parents did eventually take their concerns to Moses, who looked up to the sky and said, “Just kill me now, O Lord.” So, the hot dog matter was dropped.

As the Israelites approached the land of Canaan, parents began to entice their kids to eat dinner with the promise of a new land filled with dessert. However, the children were unmoved by mere honey, vowing to hold out for a land of “chocolate frosted sugar bombs.”


Hobbits forced to begin wearing shoes after Lego store opens in Shire

January 17, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

HOBBITON—Hobbits throughout The Shire began wearing shoes last week after the opening of a new Lego Store in the town of Stock, just east of the Brandywine River. Though Hobbits have hairy rugged feet that can withstand the harshest of elements, they are apparently no match for tiny plastic pieces with razor-sharp edges.

“I’ve never been interested in the affairs of Men, but the Lego Death Star I saw out in Breeland was pretty cool,” said Bodo Proudfoot. “But now those blasted things are everywhere! I can’t walk more than five paces before collapsing to the ground in agony!”

The Lego Store was built by Bree-hobbits under the close supervision of Brandy Hall. It was designed to improve relations between Hobbits and Men, an interaction previously limited to illegal pipeweed dealings. Now halflings who have been forced to protect their feet by wearing ill-fitting shoes are demanding answers.

“Why should we pay for the mistakes of a Brandybuck?” questioned Lotho Sackville-Baggins. “I’ve got half a mind to burn that place down. If Brandy Hall goes with it then so be it!”

Despite the local outrage, Lego reports sales are exceeding expectations. The most popular Lego kit allows Hobbits to build model farms for little barefoot Lego figures to cultivate and live sensible lives while not going on any adventures.

Representatives from Lego said they are looking into some Elven magic that will allow Hobbits to step on Legos barefoot without injury. 


Archaeologists uncover missing chapter of Job where he has to put together IKEA furniture

January 9, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

IRAQ–Buried under the sands of Babylon for thousands of years, a chapter of the book of Job was discovered by archaeologists in what is being called the most incredible find since the Dead Sea Scrolls. The new chapter sheds new light on the suffering of Job by showing that he had to assemble furniture from IKEA.

“We knew the suffering of Job was bad, but had no clue it was this bad until now,” said Dr. Philippe Domino, professor of Babylonian Studies at Oxford. The new passage of scripture was found miraculously preserved in a bronze age IKEA catalog. He believes it may have been hidden by Jews during the Babylonian exile.

Scriptural scholars confirm the new chapter of Job takes place between chapters two and three. Shortly after Job’s wife tells her husband to “curse God and die” she then asks him why he hasn’t put together the new coat and hat rack from IKEA yet.

Job’s friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, look on awkwardly as Job attempts to put the furniture together. According to the text, they do not interrupt him for seven days and seven nights.

It gives new meaning to the opening of Job’s third chapter, which reads, “Afterward Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.”

Catholic historian, Bishop Andrew Bruer, says the new chapter makes the Bible come alive. “I used to read Job and wonder why he was so upset. I mean, it sucks when everyone in your family dies except for a nagging wife, but it’s not the end of the world. IKEA furniture though? I still have an end table in my office that I don’t know what to do with.”

Critics doubting the find claim IKEA didn’t exist at the time of the patriarchs. Divine intervention and time travel have been suggested to resolve this apparent difficulty.


Homeowner frantically makes figgy pudding to get rid of carolers (updated)

December 10, 2021

From The Babylon Bee.

BURLINGTON, VT—According to sources, local homeowner Candy McSally is desperately trying to make a batch of figgy pudding so a gang of obnoxious carolers will leave her alone.

Neighbors say that as of 1 am, the carolers are on their 427th round of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” and have promised to stay in place until they get some figgy pudding.

“What the heck is figgy pudding anyway?” said McSally as she frantically searched through a stack of cookbooks hoping to find a recipe. “Why won’t they leave until they get some? Who wrote that infernal song? Why are carolers even a thing? Somebody help me!” 

Historians say that figgy pudding is a 14th-century British dish, which would explain why it’s gross and lame and nobody likes it. After searching on Google, McSally finally found a recipe.

“Mutton? Where in the world am I going to find mutton? Why is it mixed with raisins? What kind of psycho would eat this crap?” she cried. 

After realizing she didn’t have any of the ingredients, she decided to go shopping in town. Sources say the carolers are now on their 2,700th round of the Christmas carol and two have been rushed to the hospital due to hypothermia, or perhaps due to lack of figgy pudding. 

UPDATE: For anyone who doesn’t get the cultural reference, this will explain it.


Cat rests up in preparation for long night running up and down stairs

October 16, 2021

From The Babylon Bee.

MENIFEE, CA—Local unemployed cat Autumn got another good day’s rest Thursday in preparation for a long evening running up and down the stairs at random times.

“Sporadically running upstairs, and then downstairs, and then upstairs again to keep my humans awake is exhausting,” Autumn told reporters, yawning as she woke up from her seventh nap of the day. “It’s not an easy job, but someone has to do it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go meow by my food dish so my humans can move the food around and make it look like there’s more food in there than there is.”

The cat says she is planning on some new moves today, including a few parkour tricks like jumping off the walls and kicking over a laundry basket and then fleeing through the house like a bat out of heck. 

Autumn has also filed a complaint of animal abuse against her owners for only holding the door open for her for seven hours at a time while she decides if she wants to go outside or stay inside.


Sunday funnies

October 10, 2021

From The Babylon Bee.

The TL;DR Edition of All 66 Books of the Bible

Forget about reading through the Bible in a year—now you can read through the Bible in about five minutes!

Genesis – God makes everything and it’s really good for about 3.2 seconds.

Exodus – YAHWEH VS. RA FIGHT NIGHT ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Leviticus – STOP DOING GROSS STUFF.

Numbers – Israel makes a wrong turn near Mt. Sinai, refuses to ask for directions.

Deuteronomy – I SAID STOP DOING GROSS STUFF GOSH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Joshua – The hotly anticipated product launch of Moses 2.0.

Judges – A riveting documentary on the doctrine of total depravity.

Ruth – The Bachelorette: Hebrew Edition.

1 Samuel – David & Goliath.

2 Samuel – David & Goliath: The direct-to-VHS sequel.

1 Kings – Solomon marries a ton of women and that turns out to be a really bad idea. Who knew!

2 Kings – Israel and Judah go 0-for-2 in a deathmatch against Babylon and Assyria. Shoulda declared Philippians 4:13 over that mess, guys…

1 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has.

2 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has—PART 2.

Ezra – The Temple gets an Extreme Home Makeover.

Nehemiah – Jerusalem gets an Extreme Home Makeover.

Esther – A brave Jewish woman saves her people. Full of more exciting drama and intrigue than any episode of Game of Thrones, plus way more clothing.

Job – Hebrew country music song.

Psalms – An ancient Hillsong album with sheep metaphors instead of ocean metaphors.

Proverbs – GOD PITIES THE FOOL WHO DON’T FOLLOW HIM.

Ecclesiastes – Everything is meaningless, except everything isn’t really meaningless because God gives everything meaning. Whoa.

Song of Solomon – Go ask your parents.

Isaiah – Make Worship Great Again!

Jeremiah – God has a great plan and a future for you and definitely not any suffering nope not at all.

Lamentations – 😥

Ezekiel – A total Lovecraftian mind-trip with bones and eagles and flaming psychedelic wheels and stuff.

Daniel – Daniel fights his own personal lions who also happen to be actual lions that want to eat him.

Hosea – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Joel – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Amos – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Obadiah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Jonah – An anthropomorphic asparagus goes on an adventure with some pirates.

Micah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Nahum – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Habakkuk – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Zephaniah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Haggai – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Zechariah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Malachi – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Matthew – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Messiah.

Mark – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the suffering Servant.

Luke – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of Man.

John – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of God.

Acts – Miracles, shipwrecks, lots of tongues. Basically John MacArthur’s worst nightmare.

Romans – God justifies, man screws stuff up.

1 Corinthians – Stop screwing stuff up, Corinth.

2 Corinthians – CORINTH. I MEAN IT THIS TIME CORINTH.

Galatians – Romans but shorter.

Ephesians – Romans but shorter 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Philippians – You can win sports games through Jesus.

Colossians – Jesus rules all of creation, yes even the weird stuff like platypi.

1 Thessalonians – Jesus is coming around the mountain when he comes.

2 Thessalonians – A letter full of encouragement and inspiration, like an ancient Max Lucado book.

1 Timothy – Ladies, plz stop talking.

2 Timothy – Paul gives his dying instructions to Timothy, much like Yoda to Luke in Return of the Jedi.

Titus – Basically a first-century vision-casting conference for young pastors.

Philemon – Paul’s passive-aggressive anti-slavery manifesto.

Hebrews – Moses gets straight ethered for 13 chapters.

James – Act more gooder, people.

1 Peter – U gonna suffer fam.

2 Peter – Bro, Paul’s really confusing plz help.

1 John – God is love m’kay?

2 John – Yup, He’s still love.

3 John – HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT PEOPLE GOSH.

Jude – Stop being heretics plz, k thx bye.

Revelation – Kirk Cameron fights the Antichrist in order to save Christmas from the new world order. Thanks, Kirk!


Local mom drops bored kids off at school three weeks early

August 2, 2021

From The Babylon Bee.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Local mom Denise James was seen Monday morning dropping her kids off at Hathaway Middle School, which raised a few eyebrows in her community since school doesn’t start for another three weeks.

James’s three children, ages 11, 9, and 7, reportedly spent the day sitting on the front steps of the school, backpacks on, sack lunches in hand. When asked why they were at school early, the oldest, Aiden, said: “We told my mom we were bored… again.”

“They have five iPads upstairs, two dirt bikes in the garage and a water slide, and they want to say they’re BORED? I don’t think so,” James said. “I told them if they said the word ‘bored’ one more time, they were going to school. I wasn’t joking.”

The tension in James’s home began to build at the beginning of July, when the mom of three realized they had gotten to the end of their “summer activities” list a month too soon. VBS, baseball games and science camp ended at the end of June, and with them, James’s sanity.

“I tried to hold on. Other parents told me it would get better,” James explained. “But it didn’t. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Critics have suggested James’s parenting tactics are too extreme. Others have said she didn’t go far enough. For her part, James shows no signs of changing her mind.

“I have no regrets.”


Experts are super smart and 100% reliable, experts confirm

April 28, 2021

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A new study performed by experts has confirmed that experts always know what they’re talking about and never, ever just make stuff up to sound smart, experts confirmed today.

“Experts are always to be trusted and have never been wrong before,” said the experts at the recent Expert Conference, Sponsored by Experts. “Experts are so smart. And also really good-looking and not socially awkward. You should be friends with experts, ’cause, uh, experts are really neato.”

“All of this is to say, you really should trust the experts. Experts are way more accurate than the non-experts.” The experts then pointed to a chart that had some lines and circles on it and nodded, looking to one another for confirmation. They all concurred the graphics confirmed their findings that they are smart. They then turned to another panel of experts, who also confirmed that they were smart, in exchange for the original panel of experts saying they are smart back.

At publishing time, experts had further confirmed that you definitely shouldn’t stuff them into lockers and give them wedgies, because they are actually super cool and not nerds who got picked on in high school.


Sunday funnies

July 19, 2020

From The Babylon Bee.

Regular VBS Volunteers Enjoy Most Peaceful Summer in Years

U.S.—Regular VBS volunteers across the country are enjoying their most peaceful summer in years, sources confirmed Friday.

The people who usually volunteer at their church’s VBS for some reason thanked the Lord for even a single year of respite. Not having to make fifty gallons of punch a day, prepare hundreds of little cups of Goldfish crackers, and make their fingers bleed by helping kids glue together macaroni Jesuses for a week, they instead are spending their time resting, relaxing, and thanking God for His grace.

“While the pandemic is definitely bad, the silver lining is we don’t have to endure a week of mind-searing insanity,” said Sarah Pateo of Albuquerque. “I am well-rested. I haven’t had a mental breakdown while trying to create a pipe-cleaner Jonah. And I don’t have those infernal songs stuck inside my head.”

“So I’m NOT saying that the pandemic is good — but I am saying God works in mysterious ways,” she concluded as she relaxed with a book and an ice-cold lemonade that may or may not have had vodka in it.

At publishing time, the nation’s regular VBS volunteers had admitted that “it’s kinda crazy, but I actually do miss it a little bit.”


Citing tough competition from Amazon, Santa Claus declares bankruptcy

December 3, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

NORTH POLE—Citing his inability to keep up with Amazon’s lightning-fast shipping times and low prices, Santa Claus filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy today and will cease all shipping operations for the 2018 Christmas season.

Kids around the world are less interested in writing a letter to Santa and hoping they get what they wanted by the time December 25 rolls around and more apt to just hop onto their parents’ Amazon account and get exactly what they want with free Prime shipping.

“I take, like, a whole year to ship a few presents, but Amazon can get you stuff the same day—for free!” Claus lamented as he looked over a mounting stack of bills from reindeer handlers, sleigh repair shops, and toy suppliers. “I just can’t compete with that.”

“Amazon is putting more and more mom-and-pop mythical jolly gift-giving operations like mine out of business, and it’s just really sad,” he added.

He claims gift requests are down 425% this year, a massive deficit his operation just can’t overcome. Claus attempted to reignite children’s enthusiasm and build supplemental income by launching a Twitch channel last year, but he kept losing Fortnite matches due to the massive amounts of lag on his internet connection at the North Pole. The channel folded within three months as Claus bled subscribers daily.

Upon the declaration of bankruptcy, Amazon quickly put a bid in on Claus’ assets and will likely emerge as the sole owner of all North Pole operations after reorganization.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Duggar Family Discovers Kid They Forgot They Even Had in Couch Cushions

Global Warming Pinned on Kid Who Keeps Leaving the Front Door Wide Open While the Heater Is On

In Upcoming Reboot, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to Sue Santa Claus for Discrimination

Santa Claus Converts to Calvinism, Moves Everybody to Naughty List


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