Scholars now believe Esau sold his birthright for marshmallow Jell-O salad

December 4, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

BEER-LAHAI-ROI — Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow and Jell-O salad.

Ancient writings confirm Jacob prepared the delectable dish knowing how much everyone loved it, including his brother.

“This story makes sense now; who could resist a deliciously fluffy green Jell-O salad?” said biblical scholar Dr. Heb Rewguy, brimming with excitement. “We scholars had always been doubtful of the old translation claiming a man would sell his entire birthright for a bit of pottage. I mean, WTF, amirite?”

Researchers also revealed a vast network of marshmallow trade routes spanning the ancient Holy Lands. This so-called “Mallow Road” bustled with travel and trade all year long, but was busiest in the weeks leading up to Israeli Thanksgiving.

At publishing time, scholars had confirmed that the manna provided by God to the Israelites was actually a cabbage and raisin Jell-O salad.

Blind Taste Test Finds Most People Can’t Tell Difference Between Candy Corn and Orange Crayon

October 30, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S. — A fascinating new study has revealed that the vast majority of people, when presented with a blind taste test, can’t tell the difference between candy corn and a dusty, old orange crayon we found in a junk drawer.

According to researchers, people who were fed candy corn and people who were fed the old orange crayon that had been stowed away in a drawer for the last 17 years had the same reaction: “This tastes like a waxy blob of nothing, and my life is much worse for having placed this repulsive object in my mouth.”

“We had theorized that at least 20% of those surveyed would be able to detect some kind of flavor in the candy corn,” said head of research Dr. Gorbo Linfield. “So we were shocked to find that over 95% of people had the same instant negative reaction to eating candy corn that they did to chewing on the old, dusty crayon.”

“The science is settled: candy corn is just as tasty as a crayon forgotten in a cabinet for decades.” Further research showed that over 90% of people couldn’t tell the difference between marshmallow Peeps and a piece of cotton pulled from an ibuprofen bottle, Spangler Circus Peanuts and an eraser from one of those giant novelty pencils, or Dots and stale gum that has been stuck on the underside of a table at Flo’s #2 Family Restaurant in Chino, California for the last 9 years.

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that the remaining 5% of people actually thought the orange crayon tasted better than the candy corn.

Methuselah broke after 700 years of writing $5 birthday checks to grandkids

October 9, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

MESOPOTAMIA — Local patriarch Methuselah has lost all of his wealth after enduring several centuries of writing $5.00 birthday checks to grandchildren. The aged man, who claims to be almost a thousand years old, has since filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy and will have his assets liquidated.

According to sources, Methuselah’s financial trouble first became public knowledge after a $5.00 birthday check to his grandson Noah bounced. Noah’s birthday was ruined.

“What am I supposed to do?” Methuselah told bankers. “Not write checks to my grandchildren? It’s one of the chief patriarchal responsibilities!”

With his bank account shut down and no way to pay recurring bills, his grandson Noah helped the elderly patriarch file for bankruptcy.

“It’s really not fair,” Methuselah wrote in his application for bankruptcy. “My father was caught up to Heaven when he was still a young 365-year-old man. My inheritance was minimal!”

City officials have reportedly met with social workers in an attempt to better understand the hardships of the 969-year-old man and provide him with basic assistance.

Attorneys specializing in elder law have offered their services to help Methuselah restructure his debt by mapping out his family tree. They argue that no one could withstand the financial burden of so many grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren. It has been argued, therefore, that debt forgiveness by King Ubara-Tutu must be delivered forthwith.

At publishing time, Methuselah revealed his reasoning for asset forfeiture rather than restructuring his debt. “Everything’s going to be underwater soon anyway.”

Zephaniah Tired of His Parents Asking Why He’s Not a Major Prophet Yet

August 28, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

JUDAH — Zephaniah, described by authorities as a “minor prophet” is tired of being asked by his overbearing parents when he’ll become a major prophet, sources say.

“Sweetie, are you gonna be a minor prophet your whole life?” said his mother. “The money’s so much better if you’re a major prophet. You’re much more likely to meet a lovely wife if you’re making major prophet money. I want grandchildren!”

“Ughhh Mom! I work for King Josiah, ok?” said the frustrated Zephaniah. “He’s a really godly king so there’s really not much prophecy work to do these days. Gosh!”

The minor prophet’s father Cushi is also frustrated with his son’s lack of ambition. “I just wish the boy had a little bit more drive,” he said. “You know, like Isaiah or Daniel. Those guys were top performers! I know he could get there if he just applied himself. At this rate, his book of the Old Testament will be only, like, three chapters that no one will ever read!”

At publishing time, Zephaniah was cited by King Josiah’s counsel for being late to the weekly prophecy meeting.

St. Anthony Asks God What He Did to Deserve an Eternity of Looking for Everyone’s Car Keys

August 7, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

HEAVEN — After living a life of poverty famously dedicated to evangelization, Saint Anthony asked God today what on earth he did to now deserve an eternity of looking around for people’s keys and cell phones.

“I can’t go five freaking minutes without someone asking me to ‘please come down, as something is lost and can’t be found.’ I’m exhausted!” said a beleaguered Saint Anthony. “It’s been eight-hundred years straight of looking under beds and rummaging through couch cushions! Why Lord? WHY ME??”

Despite serving as the vessel for some of the most profound sermons ever recorded, after Saint Anthony’s canonization word quickly spread of his skill for finding lost items. “Early on, people asked for Saint Anthony’s intercession in more important matters, like finding lost souls,” said church historian Dr. David Andrews. “However, people quickly got bored with that and started just asking him to locate lost crap around the house. To be fair though, St. Anthony really does excel at helping with both lost souls and eyeglasses.”

While sympathetic, the Lord has reportedly not released Saint Anthony from his task. “Sadly, it’s the closest some people get to talking to their Creator,” said the Lord. “Even the silliest encounter with a Saint may be brought to good. Also, it’s pretty funny to watch. Now be off!”

At publishing time, Saint Anthony was reportedly being called down by approximately 9,732 husbands frantically searching for their wallets.

The Babylon Bee presents: Read the Cheesecake Factory menu in a year plan

June 26, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

It’s a big book, but reading it is an important part of our spiritual walk. From morning devotionals to more in-depth studies, everyone needs to carve out a little time in their day to crack open that sacred tome and spend some time in serious reflection and devotion.

We’re talking about the Cheesecake Factory menu, of course. And the best way to read through the menu is to have a plan.

Here’s how you can read through the Cheesecake Factory menu in just one year.

The key is to spend 15 minutes a day on the sections indicated for each month. If you follow this plan, you should be finished by December 31.

January – Table of contents, introduction, and foreword – You’ll have to power through, but you should be able to complete this by the end of January. You’re off to a great start!

February – Small Plates, Snacks & Appetizers – Take some time and look over the 78 salad options, Korean-fried cauliflower, and seven pages of stuffed mushroom varieties.

March – Salads, Flatbread Pizzas & Lunch – This is where most people give up on their Cheesecake Factory menu reading. Hang in there! We know the 200 pages of flatbread pizzas can be tough, but it gets easier once you get to the sacred new testament of Cheesecake in the fall.

April – Specialties & Pastas – So many kinds of pasta. If you miss a few days here or there, that’s OK! Just read 30 minutes of pasta pages the next day.

May – Fish, Seafood & Steaks – How many ways are there to prepare shrimp, anyway? The sacred Book of Seafood chapter 119 is the longest book in the Holy Menu, but it’s so powerful. 

June – Glamburgers® & Sandwiches – Yes, they’re mainly just burgers and BLTs. But with careful, verse-by-verse exposition, you’ll get so much spiritual application out of this book. What’s the Grilled Chicken and Avocado Club in your life?

July – SkinnyLicious® – This book is considered apocryphal by the Baptists. But you should read it anyway for completion’s sake.

August – Breakfast & Brunch – You’ve made it through the intertestamental period, and you’re into breakfast and brunch! It’s smooth sailing from here on out. Just let not thine eyes linger too long on the various mimosas.

September – Kids, Sides & Extras – Let the little children come unto Cheesecake Factory, for they will be filled with Grilled Salmon, Grilled Chicken, and 92 different dessert options.

October – Cheesecakes & Desserts – Ah, now we’re into the good stuff. Some pastors have spent their entire ministries just preaching through the Cheesecakes, though Cheesecakes Chapter 9 has caused much theological debate. Do we choose what kind of cheesecake we want, or does the cheesecake choose us? 

November – Beverages – The various small epistles of Beverages are quite edifying. Many Southern Baptist churches exclusively preach on the epistle of Sweet Tea. Keep it up! You’re almost there!

December – From the Bar – This prophetic book tells us about the apocalypse. There are also really good lemondrop martinis and Ballast Point brews.

You did it! You read through the Cheesecake Factory Menu in a year! You’re way more spiritual than all those false believers at Applebees with their fake revelations from heaven.

Report indicates Noah didn’t even want all the animals but then spent the most time taking care of them

June 5, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

MESOPOTAMIA—After Noah’s children whined him into adopting millions of animals on the condition that they would be responsible for the animals, biblical patriarch Noah reports that he is now stuck doing all the work.

Sources close to the boat ship enthusiast confirmed that his family begged him for the animals, but then he ended up being the one to care for and play with them for their months and months on the ark.

“The kids nagged me for centuries on end, demanding ‘two of every kind’ and promising they’d be 100% responsible for animal upkeep.” According to sources, Noah grew agitated as he spoke. “I can hear their little voices now: ‘Daaaaad, I promise that we’ve worked out all the details for animal care between us – you won’t need to do anything! Me, Ham, and Japheth will each clean up after an entire phylum. Pleeeeeease?’ 

But surprise surprise, when time came to feed, water, and clean up hundreds of square cubits of elephant poop, those deadbeat kids were nowhere to be found!”

Noah said that he did relent and adopt a male and female of each animal after its kind, but only after growing resentful after his children complained for several centuries. 

“It’s just like when I built most of the ark -– just as I got momentum, Ham would smash his thumb with a mallet, Shem would need help sharpening the shark-tooth saw, and Japheth would need me to clean him up after he’d get all sticky with pitch! I said ‘Fine, but you have to do it’ -– and look where we are now.” 

Noah spoke to reporters while lugging gallons of feed to the “mammalian” section of the ark on his state-of-the-art wheelbarrow.

At publishing time, Noah admitted that he did love the animals, and spent the most time playing fetch with the mammoths.

Historians discover Israelite children refused to eat manna unless mom cut the crust off

February 20, 2022
From The Babylon Bee.

JERUSALEM—Historians have discovered new evidence that when God provided miraculous bread to feed the Israelites in the wilderness after their exodus from Egypt, Israelite children refused to eat the manna until their moms had carefully removed the crust.

“After poring over a trove of newly found scrolls, it seems the ancient Israelite children were every bit as whiny as their parents,” said Old Testament scholar Nikolai Popov. “These new documents show children frequently complained about leaving slavery in Egypt, saying ‘at least in Egypt we had ham and cheese Lunchables!’ They also demanded their moms cut the manna into fun shapes like ‘Mount Horeb’ or ‘Pillar of Fire’.”

The children also were reportedly unimpressed with miraculous quail, instead begging every night for hot dogs and macaroni. Parents did eventually take their concerns to Moses, who looked up to the sky and said, “Just kill me now, O Lord.” So, the hot dog matter was dropped.

As the Israelites approached the land of Canaan, parents began to entice their kids to eat dinner with the promise of a new land filled with dessert. However, the children were unmoved by mere honey, vowing to hold out for a land of “chocolate frosted sugar bombs.”

Hobbits forced to begin wearing shoes after Lego store opens in Shire

January 17, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

HOBBITON—Hobbits throughout The Shire began wearing shoes last week after the opening of a new Lego Store in the town of Stock, just east of the Brandywine River. Though Hobbits have hairy rugged feet that can withstand the harshest of elements, they are apparently no match for tiny plastic pieces with razor-sharp edges.

“I’ve never been interested in the affairs of Men, but the Lego Death Star I saw out in Breeland was pretty cool,” said Bodo Proudfoot. “But now those blasted things are everywhere! I can’t walk more than five paces before collapsing to the ground in agony!”

The Lego Store was built by Bree-hobbits under the close supervision of Brandy Hall. It was designed to improve relations between Hobbits and Men, an interaction previously limited to illegal pipeweed dealings. Now halflings who have been forced to protect their feet by wearing ill-fitting shoes are demanding answers.

“Why should we pay for the mistakes of a Brandybuck?” questioned Lotho Sackville-Baggins. “I’ve got half a mind to burn that place down. If Brandy Hall goes with it then so be it!”

Despite the local outrage, Lego reports sales are exceeding expectations. The most popular Lego kit allows Hobbits to build model farms for little barefoot Lego figures to cultivate and live sensible lives while not going on any adventures.

Representatives from Lego said they are looking into some Elven magic that will allow Hobbits to step on Legos barefoot without injury. 

Archaeologists uncover missing chapter of Job where he has to put together IKEA furniture

January 9, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

IRAQ–Buried under the sands of Babylon for thousands of years, a chapter of the book of Job was discovered by archaeologists in what is being called the most incredible find since the Dead Sea Scrolls. The new chapter sheds new light on the suffering of Job by showing that he had to assemble furniture from IKEA.

“We knew the suffering of Job was bad, but had no clue it was this bad until now,” said Dr. Philippe Domino, professor of Babylonian Studies at Oxford. The new passage of scripture was found miraculously preserved in a bronze age IKEA catalog. He believes it may have been hidden by Jews during the Babylonian exile.

Scriptural scholars confirm the new chapter of Job takes place between chapters two and three. Shortly after Job’s wife tells her husband to “curse God and die” she then asks him why he hasn’t put together the new coat and hat rack from IKEA yet.

Job’s friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, look on awkwardly as Job attempts to put the furniture together. According to the text, they do not interrupt him for seven days and seven nights.

It gives new meaning to the opening of Job’s third chapter, which reads, “Afterward Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.”

Catholic historian, Bishop Andrew Bruer, says the new chapter makes the Bible come alive. “I used to read Job and wonder why he was so upset. I mean, it sucks when everyone in your family dies except for a nagging wife, but it’s not the end of the world. IKEA furniture though? I still have an end table in my office that I don’t know what to do with.”

Critics doubting the find claim IKEA didn’t exist at the time of the patriarchs. Divine intervention and time travel have been suggested to resolve this apparent difficulty.

%d bloggers like this: