Back pew voted best spot in church fifty-eighth year running

January 29, 2023

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The back pew at church was voted the best seat in the house among churchgoers for the 58th year running, sources at LifeWay Research confirmed Tuesday.

Regular church attendees were polled on their preferences for a place to sit during a service, with options ranging from the various pews in the sanctuary and the overflow room to the comfort of one’s own home while watching an online broadcast.

Over 92% of those polled stated that sitting in the very back pew is the perfect spot: far enough away that the pastor can’t effectively gaze into your soul, but close enough that you feel good about yourself for showing up unlike those heathens who are playing hooky.

“Respondents did seem to prefer an aisle seat so they can slip out as soon as the last worship song starts, but were almost unanimous in their enthusiasm over finding a spot in the back,” Scott McConnell, executive director of LifeWay Research said. “Things like being able to covertly check sports scores on one’s smartphone and ‘totally space out’ during a sermon without the pastor knowing were both major factors in the popularity of the pew.”

The front pew was voted the second worst spot in church, according to researchers, just behind those chairs onstage behind the pastor.

Jesús miraculously feeds 5,000 with one bottomless basket of chips and salsa

January 15, 2023

From The Babylon Bee.

ANGLETON, TX — Local “Coco Loco” waiter Jesús Fernandez reportedly fed five thousand hungry people today with a single order of bottomless chips and salsa.

“The chips, they just kept coming,” said Dale Alexander, one of the five thousand. “Every time you thought they were finished, along came Jesús to deliver another fresh batch. I’m so stuffed.”

Several hundred families reportedly abandoned plans to obtain fajitas, having completely filled themselves with chips and salsa. “I don’t know how it happened,” said local woman Carissa Lane. “I did everything in my power to drain the salsa dish, but it just wouldn’t run dry.”

Several news stations came to interview Mr. Fernandez about the remarkable event. “Truly, truly, I was just doing my job,” said Mr. Fernandez. “I mean, it does say ‘bottomless’. I’m a man of my word.”

At publishing time, Jesús had fed another four thousand people with a single bottomless chip basket.

Mary holding out hope for 4th wise man bearing an air fryer

January 1, 2023

From The Babylon Bee.

BETHLEHEM — According to sources close to Mary, the Mother of Jesus, the young Jewish mom was touched by the gifts brought to her by the wise men: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Still, she was a bit disappointed that none of them had brought an air fryer.

“Oh, cool. Such great gifts. Thanks, guys!” she said, trying to mask her disappointment that she didn’t get the slick kitchen appliance all her friends constantly brag about while hanging out by the well or at the Nazareth Mall. “So, there’s like, just three of you? No biggie, was just making sure there weren’t others on the way or anything. Cool, cool.”

After the wise men had departed, Joseph reportedly caught Mary wistfully looking out the stable door toward the East, thinking she heard camel hooves. “Oh, guess it wasn’t another wise man. That’s fine. I’m really happy with the gifts I got and everything. Really, if I got more, it’d be too much. Like how would we lug home an air fryer anyway? I didn’t really need one. It’s kind of impractical.”

At publishing time, Joseph had caught an envious Mary watching a Facebook story of Elizabeth opening her new air fryer and showing off some low-carb fried pickle spear recipes.

Seven-year-old quits Christmas pageant after being cast as sheep again

December 18, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

DAVENPORT, IA— In an announcement that rocked the Christmas pageant world, seven-year-old Emma Stenson told reporters Wednesday she refuses to participate in the church nativity play after being cast as a sheep for the fourth year in a row.

The blond, curly-haired Stenson, whose parents describe as normally very compliant, said she was tired of being typecast.

“You mean to tell me Skylar gets to be Mary, and I’m the quiet, dumb animal again? Please! I could be ten times the Mary she is, and everyone knows it,” the agitated second grader reportedly said, adding that she has already paid her dues in the pasture.

“I wonder if Skylar playing Mary has anything to do with her dad being an elder,” she went on. “Probably just coincidence, right? Give me a break.”

Stenson added, “I’m so much more than livestock, and if they can’t see that—it’s their loss.”

Scholars now believe Esau sold his birthright for marshmallow Jell-O salad

December 4, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

BEER-LAHAI-ROI — Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow and Jell-O salad.

Ancient writings confirm Jacob prepared the delectable dish knowing how much everyone loved it, including his brother.

“This story makes sense now; who could resist a deliciously fluffy green Jell-O salad?” said biblical scholar Dr. Heb Rewguy, brimming with excitement. “We scholars had always been doubtful of the old translation claiming a man would sell his entire birthright for a bit of pottage. I mean, WTF, amirite?”

Researchers also revealed a vast network of marshmallow trade routes spanning the ancient Holy Lands. This so-called “Mallow Road” bustled with travel and trade all year long, but was busiest in the weeks leading up to Israeli Thanksgiving.

At publishing time, scholars had confirmed that the manna provided by God to the Israelites was actually a cabbage and raisin Jell-O salad.

Blind Taste Test Finds Most People Can’t Tell Difference Between Candy Corn and Orange Crayon

October 30, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S. — A fascinating new study has revealed that the vast majority of people, when presented with a blind taste test, can’t tell the difference between candy corn and a dusty, old orange crayon we found in a junk drawer.

According to researchers, people who were fed candy corn and people who were fed the old orange crayon that had been stowed away in a drawer for the last 17 years had the same reaction: “This tastes like a waxy blob of nothing, and my life is much worse for having placed this repulsive object in my mouth.”

“We had theorized that at least 20% of those surveyed would be able to detect some kind of flavor in the candy corn,” said head of research Dr. Gorbo Linfield. “So we were shocked to find that over 95% of people had the same instant negative reaction to eating candy corn that they did to chewing on the old, dusty crayon.”

“The science is settled: candy corn is just as tasty as a crayon forgotten in a cabinet for decades.” Further research showed that over 90% of people couldn’t tell the difference between marshmallow Peeps and a piece of cotton pulled from an ibuprofen bottle, Spangler Circus Peanuts and an eraser from one of those giant novelty pencils, or Dots and stale gum that has been stuck on the underside of a table at Flo’s #2 Family Restaurant in Chino, California for the last 9 years.

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that the remaining 5% of people actually thought the orange crayon tasted better than the candy corn.

Methuselah broke after 700 years of writing $5 birthday checks to grandkids

October 9, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

MESOPOTAMIA — Local patriarch Methuselah has lost all of his wealth after enduring several centuries of writing $5.00 birthday checks to grandchildren. The aged man, who claims to be almost a thousand years old, has since filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy and will have his assets liquidated.

According to sources, Methuselah’s financial trouble first became public knowledge after a $5.00 birthday check to his grandson Noah bounced. Noah’s birthday was ruined.

“What am I supposed to do?” Methuselah told bankers. “Not write checks to my grandchildren? It’s one of the chief patriarchal responsibilities!”

With his bank account shut down and no way to pay recurring bills, his grandson Noah helped the elderly patriarch file for bankruptcy.

“It’s really not fair,” Methuselah wrote in his application for bankruptcy. “My father was caught up to Heaven when he was still a young 365-year-old man. My inheritance was minimal!”

City officials have reportedly met with social workers in an attempt to better understand the hardships of the 969-year-old man and provide him with basic assistance.

Attorneys specializing in elder law have offered their services to help Methuselah restructure his debt by mapping out his family tree. They argue that no one could withstand the financial burden of so many grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren. It has been argued, therefore, that debt forgiveness by King Ubara-Tutu must be delivered forthwith.

At publishing time, Methuselah revealed his reasoning for asset forfeiture rather than restructuring his debt. “Everything’s going to be underwater soon anyway.”

Zephaniah Tired of His Parents Asking Why He’s Not a Major Prophet Yet

August 28, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

JUDAH — Zephaniah, described by authorities as a “minor prophet” is tired of being asked by his overbearing parents when he’ll become a major prophet, sources say.

“Sweetie, are you gonna be a minor prophet your whole life?” said his mother. “The money’s so much better if you’re a major prophet. You’re much more likely to meet a lovely wife if you’re making major prophet money. I want grandchildren!”

“Ughhh Mom! I work for King Josiah, ok?” said the frustrated Zephaniah. “He’s a really godly king so there’s really not much prophecy work to do these days. Gosh!”

The minor prophet’s father Cushi is also frustrated with his son’s lack of ambition. “I just wish the boy had a little bit more drive,” he said. “You know, like Isaiah or Daniel. Those guys were top performers! I know he could get there if he just applied himself. At this rate, his book of the Old Testament will be only, like, three chapters that no one will ever read!”

At publishing time, Zephaniah was cited by King Josiah’s counsel for being late to the weekly prophecy meeting.

St. Anthony asks God what he did to deserve an eternity of looking for everyone’s car keys

August 7, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

HEAVEN — After living a life of poverty famously dedicated to evangelization, Saint Anthony asked God today what on earth he did to now deserve an eternity of looking around for people’s keys and cell phones.

“I can’t go five freaking minutes without someone asking me to ‘please come down, as something is lost and can’t be found.’ I’m exhausted!” said a beleaguered Saint Anthony. “It’s been eight-hundred years straight of looking under beds and rummaging through couch cushions! Why Lord? WHY ME??”

Despite serving as the vessel for some of the most profound sermons ever recorded, after Saint Anthony’s canonization word quickly spread of his skill for finding lost items. “Early on, people asked for Saint Anthony’s intercession in more important matters, like finding lost souls,” said church historian Dr. David Andrews. “However, people quickly got bored with that and started just asking him to locate lost crap around the house. To be fair though, St. Anthony really does excel at helping with both lost souls and eyeglasses.”

While sympathetic, the Lord has reportedly not released Saint Anthony from his task. “Sadly, it’s the closest some people get to talking to their Creator,” said the Lord. “Even the silliest encounter with a Saint may be brought to good. Also, it’s pretty funny to watch. Now be off!”

At publishing time, Saint Anthony was reportedly being called down by approximately 9,732 husbands frantically searching for their wallets.

The Babylon Bee presents: Read the Cheesecake Factory menu in a year plan

June 26, 2022

From The Babylon Bee.

It’s a big book, but reading it is an important part of our spiritual walk. From morning devotionals to more in-depth studies, everyone needs to carve out a little time in their day to crack open that sacred tome and spend some time in serious reflection and devotion.

We’re talking about the Cheesecake Factory menu, of course. And the best way to read through the menu is to have a plan.

Here’s how you can read through the Cheesecake Factory menu in just one year.

The key is to spend 15 minutes a day on the sections indicated for each month. If you follow this plan, you should be finished by December 31.

January – Table of contents, introduction, and foreword – You’ll have to power through, but you should be able to complete this by the end of January. You’re off to a great start!

February – Small Plates, Snacks & Appetizers – Take some time and look over the 78 salad options, Korean-fried cauliflower, and seven pages of stuffed mushroom varieties.

March – Salads, Flatbread Pizzas & Lunch – This is where most people give up on their Cheesecake Factory menu reading. Hang in there! We know the 200 pages of flatbread pizzas can be tough, but it gets easier once you get to the sacred new testament of Cheesecake in the fall.

April – Specialties & Pastas – So many kinds of pasta. If you miss a few days here or there, that’s OK! Just read 30 minutes of pasta pages the next day.

May – Fish, Seafood & Steaks – How many ways are there to prepare shrimp, anyway? The sacred Book of Seafood chapter 119 is the longest book in the Holy Menu, but it’s so powerful. 

June – Glamburgers® & Sandwiches – Yes, they’re mainly just burgers and BLTs. But with careful, verse-by-verse exposition, you’ll get so much spiritual application out of this book. What’s the Grilled Chicken and Avocado Club in your life?

July – SkinnyLicious® – This book is considered apocryphal by the Baptists. But you should read it anyway for completion’s sake.

August – Breakfast & Brunch – You’ve made it through the intertestamental period, and you’re into breakfast and brunch! It’s smooth sailing from here on out. Just let not thine eyes linger too long on the various mimosas.

September – Kids, Sides & Extras – Let the little children come unto Cheesecake Factory, for they will be filled with Grilled Salmon, Grilled Chicken, and 92 different dessert options.

October – Cheesecakes & Desserts – Ah, now we’re into the good stuff. Some pastors have spent their entire ministries just preaching through the Cheesecakes, though Cheesecakes Chapter 9 has caused much theological debate. Do we choose what kind of cheesecake we want, or does the cheesecake choose us? 

November – Beverages – The various small epistles of Beverages are quite edifying. Many Southern Baptist churches exclusively preach on the epistle of Sweet Tea. Keep it up! You’re almost there!

December – From the Bar – This prophetic book tells us about the apocalypse. There are also really good lemondrop martinis and Ballast Point brews.

You did it! You read through the Cheesecake Factory Menu in a year! You’re way more spiritual than all those false believers at Applebees with their fake revelations from heaven.

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