Holiday fruitcake recipe

December 6, 2021

An oldie but goodie.

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 cup mixed nuts
1 gallon whiskey

1. Put the butter and sugar in a large bowl.

2. Check the whiskey to make sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.

3. Turn on the mixer. 

4. Beat the butter and sugar.

5. Check the whiskey again. Cry another tup. Or two.

6. Turn off the mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl along with the dried fruit.

7. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

8. Sample the whiskey again to check for consisticity.

9. Sift the salt. Or something. Who cares.

10. Repeat Step 8.

11. Sift the lemon juice. Strain the nuts. Add a tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever.

12. Grease the oven.

13. Set the cake pan to 350º.

14. Beat off the turner.

15. Throw the bowl out the window and finish off what’s left of the whiskey.


Monday chuckles

December 6, 2021


Fractured history

December 3, 2021


Friday happy dance

December 3, 2021


All in day’s work

December 1, 2021

 


Wednesday weirdness — Hanukkah edition

December 1, 2021


Mercury falling

November 30, 2021

50 degrees:

People in Florida crank up the heat.

People in Wisconsin sunbathe.

40 degrees:

People in Louisiana put on thermal underwear.

People in Wisconsin have picnics in the park.

30 degrees:

People in South Carolina shiver uncontrollably.

People in Wisconsin have one last cookout before the weather turns cold.

20 degrees:

People in Alabama put on overcoats, mittens, and earmuffs.

People in Wisconsin think about shutting the windows.

10 degrees:

New York landlords finally turn on the heat.

People in Wisconsin switch from short to long sleeves.

10 below zero:

Californians move to Mexico.

People in Wisconsin start drying their laundry indoors.

20 below zero:

Texans are hospitalized with hypothermia.

People in Wisconsin take their winter coats out of storage.

30 below zero:

Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

People in Wisconsin let their dogs sleep indoors.

40 below zero:

Washington DC runs out of hot air.

Water in Wisconsin rivers starts to thicken.

50 below zero:

Hell freezes over.

People in Wisconsin say, “Cold enough for you?”


Monday chuckles

November 29, 2021


Sunday funnies

November 28, 2021


Friday chuckles

November 26, 2021


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