October 21, 2018
It had been a slow day at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was on the verge of nodding off, when suddenly a man appeared. He was rumpled and bedraggled and not very steady on his feet. St. Peter looked him over skeptically.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” he asked.
The man thought it over.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” he said. “I saw a bunch of punks who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen to me. So I went up to the biggest one of them and busted him in the chops and yelled, ‘Now, back off!’”
“Impressive,” said St. Peter. “When did this happen?”
The man looked at his watch and said, “About five minutes ago.”
October 7, 2018
A multimillionaire nearing the end of his life was distraught because he had worked so hard for his wealth, and he wanted to be able to take it with him when he died. He prayed and asked God if he could do so.
“Sorry,” said God. “Rules are rules.”
But the man begged and pleaded, and eventually God relented.
“Oh, all right, you win,” said God. “I’ll make an exception just this once. You can bring one suitcase.”
Overjoyed, the man took his largest suitcase, filled it with gold bars, and set it beside his bed.
Soon afterward, the man died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter welcomed him, but then he saw the suitcase and said, “You can’t bring that in here.”
The man explained that he had special permission from God. St. Peter was skeptical, but went to check the story out. After a while he returned.
“You’re right,” he said. “God says you’re allowed one suitcase. But I’ll have to check its contents before letting it through.”
St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that the man had considered too precious to leave behind, and he said in astonishment, “You brought pavement?”