August 12, 2018
From The Babylon Bee.
God Confuses All the Languages Again to Stop Everybody from Arguing Online
In a modern-day repeat of the Tower of Babel narrative, the Lord has reportedly confused the languages of everyone who uses the internet in order to stop all the arguing.
The miraculous intervention occurred in an instant, as people around the world suddenly realized their means of communication had been scrambled so as to confound their efforts to flame each other.
A heavenly representative then released the following modern-day revelation, to be added to the end of the Bible, in order to record the event:
And the whole earth was of one internet, and of one online community.
And they said one to another, “Let us build websites and call them Facebook and Twitter, and we shall argue on them and call each other nazis and make each other miserable and angry.”
And the Lord came down to the see the websites which the children of men had built.
And the Lord said, “Behold, the people is one, and they have all one internet and this they begin to do: just yell and scream at each other and make straw-man arguments in their own image. They are completely useless, and they make me sad. Let us go down and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech, and thus stop all the stupid arguing and maybe do something useful with their time instead.”
So the Lord confounded their languages and broke Google Translate and the people were unable to use Twitter or Facebook get in pointless arguments with each other. Some then went on to do useful things, though most just watched something off Netflix.
At publishing time, humanity had agreed to begin to work together to figure out their new languages so they could resume arguing again as soon as possible.
Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:
Humanity Just a Few More Bans Away from Only Having Good Opinions on the Internet
America Fondly Recalls Time When Most Divisive Topic of Discussion Was Sega Vs. Nintendo
Death Penalty Still Permissible For People Who Drive Slowly In The Left Lane, Pope Francis Clarifies
Millennial Drops Support for Socialism After Learning How Hard It Is to Get Avocado Toast in Venezuela
Joel Osteen Targets Millennials with New Book: ‘You Can Even!’
Nation Wonders Who the Heck These People Are with Enough Free Time to Scour the Internet for Old Offensive Tweets
August 7, 2018
The temperature in Detroit was 98 degrees and rising on July 8, 1946, when the Goldberg brothers — Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell — walked into Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Ford was curious and invited them into his office. They asked him to come out to the parking lot where their car was parked.
They asked him to get into the car, where the temperature was at least 120 degrees. Then they turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off.
Ford was very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3,000,000 for the patent.
The brothers replied that they would settle for $2,000,000, but they wanted to have a label that said “The Goldberg Air Conditioner” on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was proud of the Ford name, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs’ name on his cars. They haggled back and forth for a while, and the Goldbergs finally agreed that Ford could use just their first names on the label.
That is why, to this day, the control on every Ford air conditioner says Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max.
August 5, 2018
From The Babylon Bee.
Average American Now Complains More in a Week Than People Living Through the Black Plague Did Their Entire Lives
Demonstrating just how bad modern life has gotten, surveys now show that the average American today complains more in a week than people living during the black plague complained throughout their entire 30-year life span.
“There’s just so much more going wrong now,” said Karen Maxwell, a college student. “Things were just much simpler during the Black Death. All they had to deal with was squalor, starvation, and the constant threat of disease. Nowadays we have microaggressions, student debt, gluten, unequal pay for women, GMOs, problematic things like Scarlett Johansson playing a transgender man. The list just goes on and on. So it’s no wonder we complain more.”
“It just makes sense,” she added before going back to using her smartphone, a device that would have seemed like dark magic to people living just a hundred years ago.
Studies back up Maxwell, as there are recorded only a handful of common complaints from the 14th century such as large boils, lack of food, and everyone dying. In the present day, though, there are thousands of things people complain about daily — poor cell service, traffic jams, unripe avocados, obesity, favorite TV shows being canceled — problems no one six hundred years ago had to deal with at all.
“It’s just a miserable time to live in,” Troy Walker said while eating a burrito in an air conditioned food court, something that would probably confuse and scare a 14th century European. “All the disease back in the 1300s sounds bad, but at least they didn’t have high health care costs from it since they didn’t have health care. And look how we’re being exploited by capitalism.” Walker pointed to his iPhone. “But in plague-ridden Europe, most people had pretty much nothing, so they didn’t have to worry about that.”
More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:
Struggling Chemistry Teacher Takes to Life of Crime Manufacturing Plastic Straws to Sell on Streets of Santa Barbara
Local Mom Drops ‘Bored’ Kids Off at School Three Weeks Early
Man Identifies as Woman, Immediately Receives 23% Pay Cut
Russian Spy Captured, Found to Have Several Smaller Russian Spies Nested Inside
Man Struck Dead for Bearing False Witness After Clicking ‘I Have Read and Accept These Terms and Conditions’
Church Kicks Off Fun-Filled ‘Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God’ Themed VBS