Advice to Dr. Walter J. Palmer from Planned Parenthood’s PR firm

August 7, 2015

From Live Action News.

Dr. Palmer,

We have reviewed your statements and have the following recommendations to help end this public relations disaster:

―Location of the specimen at the time of demise is everything. Emphasize that you performed the poaching procedure OUTSIDE the park, and it is not really a lion unless it is INSIDE the park.

―Change “head on the mantle above the fireplace” to “calvarium on the mantle” or better yet “tissue on the mantle.”

―Change the terms “carcass” and “remains” to “products of hunting.”

―In your apology, your term “taking the lion,” rather than “killing the lion,” was on the right track, but Jimmy Kimmel saw right through it. We suggest “terminate” as a widely-accepted alternative.

―Repeat over and over again, as much as possible, that brutally killing and dismembering innocent life is “ONLY 3%” of what you do. (Other clients have found this to be very successful, even though in their case, it’s not actually true.)

We are putting pressure on the media not to cover this, but in the meantime, pretend that your website was hacked to remind people that you are the victim here.

Sincerely,

Dr. Screwtape

P.S. If you still have intact organs or limbs from the procedure, we will gladly help you “transfer” them for a “reimbursement fee.”


Mormons attack Broadway show; media blames producer

May 20, 2015

From The People’s Cube.

MANHATTAN– The NYPD is reporting that shots were fired at 230 W 49th St. this afternoon into the front of the Eugene O’Neill Theatre, which is the site of the Tony-Award winning Broadway musical, The Book of Mormon. It is unclear whether anyone was injured in the attack, but witnesses saw a pair of young men in white short-sleeved shirts with neckties fleeing from the scene on bicycles.

It is being speculated that the young men on bicycles were angry Mormons expressing their outrage at the show’s producers. 

Up until this violent episode, the reviews have been overwhelmingly positive: most critics gave the show a thumbs-up and even the Mormon Church did not condemn the satirical parody, but rather took the opportunity to ask viewers to read the Book of Mormon for themselves.

However, in an effort to appear consistent after recent events in Garland, TX, the media is now changing the tune towards blaming the Broadway producers for inciting young practitioners of the Mormon faith to commit violent acts. 

FoxNews host Martha McCallum brought up criticisms that The Book of Mormon is “taunting” Mormon extremists, saying, “if you want to make a difference, you do it in a Christian way, you don’t do it in a crass crude way by insulting someone’s religion.”

In an exclusive interview, CNN’s Alisyn Camerota sat down with one of the show’s creators, Matt Stone, who is also a co-creator of South Park:

CAMEROTA: Matt, where were you when the gunmen opened fire, and what happened inside?

STONE: We had just finished Act I, and were preparing for the second act when the NYPD came in and asked us to remain calm. They informed us that shots had been fired into the theater lobby from the street.

CAMEROTA: Didn’t you know just how dangerous an event like this could be?

STONE: Well, it’s dangerous because increasingly, we’re abridging our freedoms, so as not to offend Mormons. The very idea that if something offends me, or I’m insulted by something, I’ll go on a shooting spree and that way I can get my way, is outrageous. But somehow this is okay with members of the elite media and academia, which is just as outrageous.

CAMEROTA: Well, I mean, but Matt, nobody —

STONE: It’s a Broadway musical. It’s a funny production!

CAMEROTA: Sure. And nobody is saying that this warrants the violence that you saw. I mean I haven’t heard anyone in the media saying that it’s okay for gunmen to show up at an event like this. But what people are saying is that there’s always this fine line, you know, between freedom of speech and being intentionally incendiary and provocative.

STONE: Intentionally incendiary and provocative by singing songs? This is the low state of freedom of speech in this country. I disagree, and I disagree most vehemently. The First Amendment protects ALL speech, not just ideas that we like. But even core political speech, ideas that we don’t like, because who would decide what’s good and what’s forbidden? The Mormon Church? The government? Inoffensive speech, Alisyn, needs no protection, but in a pluralistic society you have offensive speech. You have ideas. You have an exchange of ideas. You don’t shut down a discussion because I’m offended. If something offends me, should I go out and shoot up a lobby?

CAMEROTA: I mean what your critics say about this is that you weren’t just going after, say, Mitt Romney, or Glenn Beck, or Warren Jeffs, but Mormonism as a whole.

STONE: The West must stand up for freedom of speech. It’s the core, fundamental element of this constitutional republic.

CAMEROTA: Sure, of course, but I hope that you will reconsider whether your show contains a bigoted message that is fit to be seen by the public. You have a right to continue running the show, but many will ask whether it’s really appropriate in this age of political correctness. Thank you for sharing your views with me today.


Scores killed, hundreds injured as extremists riot in Boston area

April 20, 2015

April 20, 1775

BOSTON – National guard units seeking to confiscate a cache of recently banned assault weapons were ambushed on April 19th by elements of a paramilitary extremist faction. Military and law enforcement sources estimate that 72 were killed and more than 200 injured before government forces were compelled to withdraw.

Speaking after the clash, Massachusetts Governor Thomas Gage declared that the extremist faction, which was made up of local citizens, has links to the radical right-wing tax protest movement. Gage blamed the extremists for recent incidents of vandalism directed against internal revenue offices.

The governor, who described the group’s organizers as “criminals,” issued an executive order authorizing the summary arrest of any individual who has interfered with the government’s efforts to secure law and order.

The military raid on the extremist arsenal followed widespread refusal by the local citizenry to turn over recently outlawed assault weapons. Gage issued a ban on military-style assault weapons and ammunition earlier in the week. This decision followed a meeting early this month between government and military leaders at which the governor authorized the forcible confiscation of illegal arms. One government official, speaking on condition of anonymity, pointed out “none of these people would have been killed had the extremists obeyed the law and turned over their weapons voluntarily.”

Government troops initially succeeded in confiscating a large supply of outlawed weapons and ammunition. However, troops attempting to seize arms and ammunition in Lexington met with resistance from heavily armed extremists who had been tipped off regarding the government’s plans.

During a tense standoff in Lexington’s town park, National Guard Colonel Francis Smith, commander of the government operation, ordered the armed group to surrender and return to their homes.

The impasse was broken by a single shot, which was reportedly fired by one of the right-wing extremists. Eight civilians were killed in the ensuing exchange. Ironically, the local citizenry blamed government forces rather than the extremists for the civilian deaths. Before order could be restored, armed citizens from surrounding areas had descended upon the guard units.

Colonel Smith, finding his forces overmatched by the armed mob, ordered a retreat.

Governor Gage has called upon citizens to support the state/national joint task force in its effort to restore law and order. The governor has also demanded the surrender of those responsible for planning and leading the attack against the government troops.

Samuel Adams, Paul Revere, and John Hancock, who have been identified as ringleaders of the extremist faction, remain at large.


The science is settled

March 7, 2015


Yes, we can! Students to hurl canned food at intruders

February 4, 2015

From The People’s Cube.

At W.F. Burns Middle School in Valley, Alabama, an administrator wrote a letter requesting that parents send canned food to school. The canned food, she reasons, is not to eat or donate to a homeless shelter, but to stockpile as projectile weaponry against intruders. The canned food will also double as food rations, in case the school wants to keep your children overnight. 

As if you needed another reason to send your children to public schools, now you can be even more assured of your decision. No longer will you have to rely on a rogue Republican school official, with a concealed carry permit, to defend your little ones. Now, your children will have tin cans of food at their disposal, as personal protective equipment.

A reporter candidly questioned the wisdom of allowing children access to cans, listing the ways it could go wrong:

—Children could use the cans on each other, in rapid succession, as assault-can play weapons;

—An intruder might get extra angry at can throwers, who would be like canaries in a coal mine;

—The intruder might hurl the cans back at the children, canceling this brilliant progressive idea.

The administrator erupted volcanically, “Yeah, cans kill people, and spoons make people fat! The original use of canned food is to nourish, not to kill people (just like spoons.) Therefore, cans are an acceptable progressive weapon. Other weapons can’t hold a candle to canned goods. Amer-I-Can. Yes, we can!”

After this incantation, the school district decided to canonize the administrator as a forward thinker, well ahead of her time.

(story continues here)


YouTube commenter watches video before posting

December 18, 2014

From ScrappleFace.com.

In a nearly unprecedented act, a user at YouTube.com watched a three-and-a-half minute political video all of the way through before posting his thoughts about the subject in the comment section below.

“Normally, I just skim the headline and then let ‘er rip,” said the YouTube commenter, “But this time I accidentally hit the play button on my iPad, and then, for some reason, watched the whole thing.”

While he said that “3:26 seems like an eternity when you’re waiting to post your opinion,” he acknowledged that he would have written a much different comment had he not actually watched the video.

A YouTube commenter was surprised to learn this week that YouTube offers video content, along with his personal blogging platform, when he inadvertently triggered a video and watched it all of the way through.

“The main purpose of YouTube, I’ve always thought, is to give me a chance to let the world read what I think,” he said. “It turns out that YouTube also offers a platform for ideas and entertainment in video form, in addition to providing a blog space for me.”

Asked if the experience might inspire him to watch more videos in their entirety before commenting, the man said, “Not intentionally.”

By Scott Ott.


Ginsburg to stay put, for now

August 2, 2014

From ScrappleFace.com.

(2014-08-01) — Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, under pressure from Democrats to retire before a potential Republican majority takes the Senate, said this week that she’ll remain on the highest court in the land, “So am as can able do to, and perhaps longer.”

The octogenarian liberal jurist said she’s monitoring her own ability to do the job, and will know when it’s time to go based on several indicators.

Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg released this recent photograph as additional evidence of her fitness to remain on the high court.

“Can you think as carbuncle masticate curmudgeon? Can you wrote fluidity pastoral semper fi? At my age, you take it year by hamstring staplegun cantaloupe. I’m OK this year.”

Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he has spoken informally with Ginsburg at a D.C. social event and that “she’s as lucid and intellectually-sharp as ever I’ve seen her. I’m comfortable with her extending her tenure on the Court.”

By Scott Ott.


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