chuckles

A Scotsman who was planning a trip to the Holy Land was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

“In Scotland it wouldn’t have been more than twenty,” he said.

“Yes,” the travel agent said, “but remember, the Sea of Galilee is water on which Jesus himself walked.”

The Scotsman said, “Well, at fifty dollars an hour for a boat, it’s no wonder he walked.”

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Frank was a veterinarian who also served as sheriff of the small town where he lived. One night his phone rang, and the caller said, “Please come right away! We need you!”

Frank said, “Do you need me as the sheriff, or as a vet?”

“Both,” said the caller. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it!”

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A pastor’s wife baked cookies for a party she was giving, and left them to cool while she went to do some errands. Before leaving, she put sign next to the cookies that read: “Thou shalt not steal. Exodus 20:15.”

When she arrived home again, half the cookies were gone, and next to the plate was a note in her husband’s handwriting: “The righteous man eats to his heart’s content, but the stomach of the wicked man goes hungry. Proverbs 13:25.”

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In the traffic court of a large city, a woman was brought before a rather tired-looking judge to answer for a ticket she’d received for running a red light. She informed the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to school on time. 

The judge brightened up immediately. “I’ve waited for years to have a schoolteacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table, and write ‘I drove through a red light’ five hundred times.”

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Late one night a burglar broke into a house that he thought was unoccupied. He hadn’t gotten far when he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching.”

The burglar froze. But nothing happened, so he went back to his work.

Again the voice said, “Jesus is watching.”

The burglar looked around, and spotted a parrot in a cage.

“Was that you, you stupid bird?” the burglar asked.

“I’m not a stupid bird,” the parrot replied. “I’m John the Baptist.”

“John the Baptist?” scoffed the burglar. “What kind of idiot names a parrot John the Baptist?”

The bird replied, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he says.

“Yep,” the mutt says.

“So, what’s your story?”

“Well, I discovered my gift pretty young,” the dog says, “and I wanted to serve my country, so I went to the CIA and told them about my ability, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But all that jetting around really tired me out, and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. Then I got me a wife and we had a litter of puppies, and now I’m retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back inside and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the owner says.

“But this dog is amazing!” the man says. “Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar,” the owner says. “He didn’t really do any of that crap.”

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A man was about to go to bed when he noticed that the light in his garden shed was on. When he opened the back door to go turn off the light, he saw two men stealing things from the shed.

He phoned the police and told the dispatcher what was happening, but he was told that all patrols were busy. He should simply lock the doors to his house, and an officer would be along as soon as one became available.

The irate homeowner waited for one minute and then dialed the police again. He said, “I just called because there were thieves in my shed, but you don’t have to come now because I’ve shot them.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an armed response unit, and an ambulance arrived at his house. The police caught the burglars red-handed.

“I thought you said you’d shot them,” one officer said to the homeowner.

“I thought you said there was nobody available,” the man replied.

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A truck carrying 24 penguins bound for the city zoo broke down on the highway. The trucker knew it would take some time to repair, so he flagged down a van and offered the driver fifty dollars if he would take the penguins to the zoo. The driver happily agreed, so all the penguins got out of the truck and piled into the van.

When his truck was finally repaired, the trucker went to the zoo just to make sure that the penguins had arrived safely. But when he got to the zoo, the penguins weren’t there. He jumped back into his truck and drove around town, searching for them. He finally spotted the driver and the 24 penguins walking along a busy downtown street.

“You were supposed to take those penguins to the zoo,” said the trucker.

“I did,” said the driver. “But there was still some money left over, so I’m taking them to a movie.”

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A man heard a knock at his door. He went to the door and opened it and found a snail on the step. Irritated at having been disturbed, the man picked the snail up and threw it as far as he could.

Three years later, the man heard a knock at his door again. He went to the door and opened it and there was the same snail. The snail looked at the man and said, “What was that all about?”

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One day, Mrs. Smith’s dishwasher quit working. She called a repairman and said, “I have to go out, but I’ll leave the front door unlocked, so you can just let yourself in. My bulldog won’t bother you. But do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!”

The repairman arrived and found a huge, mean-looking bulldog lying in the corner of the kitchen. The repairman went to work, and as Mrs. Smith had promised, the dog left him alone. But the parrot really got on his nerves with its constant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally, the repairman couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Shut up, you stupid bird!”

To which the parrot responded, “Get him, Spike!”

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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious museum.

“I’ve just found a 3,000 year old mummy,” the archaeologist said. “It’s a man who died of heart failure.”

“Bring it in,” the curator said. “We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were exactly right about the mummy’s age and cause of death,” he said. “How in the world did you know?”

“Easy,” the archaeologist replied. “He was holding a piece of papyrus that said, ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath.’”

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A man decided to try skydiving. On his first jump, he couldn’t get his parachute to deploy. Free-falling through the air, he saw a woman skyrocketing upward toward him.

“You know anything about parachutes?” the man yelled.

“No,” the woman shouted back. “You know anything about gas grills?”

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An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig up his garden and plant vegetables, but the ground was just too hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in the state penitentiary. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

Dear Fred,

I am feeling sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,

Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden — that’s where I buried the bodies!

Love,

Fred

Early the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. Later that day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant your garden now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Fred

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Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat next to him. The guy was pale and jittery and appeared to be a nervous wreck.

“What’s the matter?” Jack asked.

“I’ve been transferred to New Jersey,” the other guy answered. “New Jersey is full of crazy people. They have drive-by shootings, gangsters, riots, drug dealers–“

“Hold on,” Jack interrupted. “I’ve lived in New Jersey all my life, and it’s not like that at all. In fact it’s a great place to live.”

The other guy stopped shaking and seemed to relax a little. “I’m glad to hear that,” he said. “By the way, what do you do for a living?”

“Me?” said Jack. “I’m a tail gunner on a bread truck.”

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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man said. “I came upon a gang of bikers who were harassing a young woman. I warned them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I went up to the biggest biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, and yelled, ‘Now, back off!'”

“When did this happen?” St. Peter asked.

The man replied, “Just a couple of minutes ago.”

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A cowboy rode into a small town in Oklahoma and stopped at a saloon for a beer. Unfortunately for him, the locals had a habit of playing pranks on strangers. When he finished his beer and went outside, he found that his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the saloon, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head, and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he yelled.

No one answered.

“All right, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I done in Texas!”

The cowboy had another beer, then he went outside, where his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and got ready to ride out of town.

The bartender came outside and said, “Say, pardner, before you go — what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy said, “I had to walk home.”

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A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.

“It’s terrible,” said the man, “I walk around on all fours, I bark all the time, I howl at the moon, I want to chase every cat I see, and I can’t go past a fire hydrant any more.”

“I think I can help you,” said the psychiatrist. “Lie down on the couch.”

The man replied, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

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A man went to a pet store, hoping to find a pet that would not aggravate his allergies. After some deliberation, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little cardboard box that served as its house.

He took the centipede home in its little house, and then he thought it would be fun to take his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?”

But there was no answer. The man waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?” But again, there was no answer. So he waited a few minutes more, then decided to ask one more time. He put his face closer to the centipede’s house and shouted, “HEY, YOU IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK’S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!”

A little voice came out of the box:

“I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my bloody shoes!”

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. He is astonished and wonders if his eyes deceive him.

“Bartender, is that really a dog over there playing poker?” the guy asks.

“Sure is,” the bartender replies.

“Wow,” the guy says. “Is he any good?”

“Nah,” the bartender says. “Every time he has a good hand, he wags his tail.”

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital and timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help. What’s the name and room number?”

The old lady said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone. “Good news,” she said. “Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood work came back normal, and her physician has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The old lady said, “That’s wonderful! I was so worried! Thank you so much!”

The operator replied, “You’re welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The old lady said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything!”

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One snowy February, a Minnesotan left the subzero temperatures behind for a vacation in Miami. His wife was on a business trip in Boston and was planning to meet him there the following day. When he reached the hotel, he decided to send his wife an email. But he entered her email address incorrectly, and his message was misdirected to a minister’s wife whose husband had passed away just the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, shrieked, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and found this message on the screen:

Hi honey,

Just checked in. Looking forward to your arrival tomorrow.

Your adoring husband

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just as the service was about to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were clean, his jeans were faded and patched, his shirt was frayed, and his boots had seen better days. In his hands he carried a dilapidated hat.

The church he entered was in a very affluent part of town, and everyone in the congregation was very expensively dressed. None of them greeted or welcomed the visitor.

After the service was over, the minister approached the old cowboy and said, “Before you come back here again, have a talk with God and ask Him what He thinks would be the proper attire to wear to church.”

The old cowboy nodded and assured the preacher that he would.

The next Sunday, he showed up for the service wearing the same jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. The minister frowned at him and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back here.”

“I did,” said the old cowboy.

“What did He tell you the proper attire would be?” asked the minister.

“Well, sir,” said the cowboy, “God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear — said He’d never been inside here before.”

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A little turtle climbs slowly up the trunk of a tree. She crawls along a branch to the very end, and then she jumps and falls to the ground with a thud.

She walks slowly back to the tree trunk, climbs up, crawls along the branch, gets to the end, and jumps and falls to the ground again.

Again the little turtle walks over to the tree trunk, climbs up, crawls along the branch, gets to the end, and jumps, with the same result.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are watching the turtle. After a while one of the pigeons asks the other, “Honey, don’t you think it’s about time we tell her that she’s adopted?”

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A Mexican bandit made a career of crossing the Rio Grande and robbing banks in Texas. A reward was offered for his capture.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, sneaked up behind him, put his gun to the bandit’s head and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English and the ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the ranger’s message.

The bandit blurted out that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the ranger.

The lawyer replied, “He said, ‘Get lost, you moron. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”

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Late one night a man walked into a dentist’s office.

“Can I help you?” asked the dentist.

“I keep thinking I’m a moth,” said the man.

“You think you’re a moth?” said the dentist. “You don’t need a dentist — you need a psychiatrist!”

“I know,” said the man.

“So why did you come here?” asked the dentist.

“Well,” said the man, “the light was on.”

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A blind man walked into an all-girl biker bar and said, “Anybody wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The crowd fell silent. Then the bartender said, “Before you tell that joke, I think you should know a few things. First, I’m a blonde and I have a black belt in karate. Second, the bouncer is a blonde and she’s a kickboxer. Third, the woman to your left is a blonde and she’s a professional wrestler. Fourth, the woman to your right is a blonde and she teaches judo. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?” 

The blind man thought it over and said, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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A tourist from Switzerland, visiting the U.S., pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” the tourist asked.

The two locals looked at him and said nothing.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he asked.

No response.

“Parlare Italiano?”

Still no response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still no response. The tourist gave up and drove off. One Yank turned to the other and said, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” the other replied. “That guy knew four languages, and a fat lot of good it did him.”

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Herbie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One day he witnessed something unusual. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable and blessed it. Herbie watched the race, and sure enough the horse the priest had blessed came in first.

Herbie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and blessed another horse. Herbie bet a couple of dollars on the horse that the priest had blessed. Sure enough, the horse came in first and Herbie won close to fifty dollars.

The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races, and Herbie won each time by betting on the horses the priest had blessed. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races he ran to the bank and withdrew his life’s savings, $50,000.

He got back to the track just in time for the last race of the day. Herbie followed the priest and noted which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash on that horse to win.

Then Herbie went to watch the horses race. But when they crossed the finish line, the horse Herbie had bet his life savings on was dead last.

Herbie was crushed. He found the priest and told him that he had been watching him all day, and all the horses he’d blessed had been winners except the last one.

“What happened to that last horse?” Herbie asked. “Why didn’t it win like the others?”

“You Protestants,” said the priest with a sigh. “You can’t even tell the difference between a blessing and last rites!”

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A woman was relaxing on her back porch one afternoon when a very tired-looking dog wandered into her yard, lumbered up the porch steps, sank down, and promptly fell asleep.

An hour or so later, the dog got up and walked away.

The next day the dog was back. It wearily climbed the steps, lay down on the porch, and fell asleep.

This happened for several more days. One day the woman attached a note to the dog’s collar that read, “Every afternoon your dog comes and takes a nap on my porch.”

The following day, the dog arrived with a different note pinned to its collar: “He lives in a home with eight children. He’s just trying to catch up on his sleep.”

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A young sailor met an old pirate who had a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook where his right hand should have been.

“How did you end up with a peg leg?” the sailor asked.

“I was swept overboard,” the old pirate said, “and a shark bit me leg off.”

“Wow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook?”

“I was boarding an enemy ship,” said the pirate, “and one of their men cut me hand off.”

“Amazing!” said the sailor. “And what happened to your eye?”

“A seagull dropping fell into it,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye because of a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor.

“Aye,” said the pirate. “That was me first day with the hook.”

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In the course of a job interview, Frank’s prospective employer, Mr. Smith, asked him what he considered to be his greatest weakness. Without hesitation, Frank replied that it was his honesty.

Surprised, Mr. Smith said, “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”

Frank replied, “I don’t give a rat’s rear end what you think.”

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A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long day of battle.

“How are we faring?” asked the king.

“Sire,” replied the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieked the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Really?” said the knight. “Well, you do now.”

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A young man asked his great-grandfather how he’d managed to live so long. The old man said that the key to his longevity was the fact that he sprinkled a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The young man decided to do the same, and for the rest of his life he sprinkled a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

He lived to be ninety-eight years old. When he died, he left eight children, twenty-one grandchildren, thirteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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A man was sprawled across three seats in a theater. When the usher saw him, he said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man didn’t budge.

“Sir,” the usher said, “if you don’t get up, I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Still the man stayed put. The usher came back with the manager, but still the man didn’t budge. Finally, they called the police.

“All right, buddy,” said the officer. “What’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?” the officer asked.

“The balcony,” the man replied.

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During a trial in a small town, a very proper elderly lady was sworn in with her hand on the Bible, and promised to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God. Then the prosecutor approached the woman and asked, “Mrs. Smith, do you know me?”

She responded, “Yes, I do, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, I’m very disappointed in you. You lie, cheat, and manipulate people. You think you’re a big shot, but you’re really just a two-bit shyster. Yes, I know you quite well.”

The prosecutor was stunned. After an embarrassed silence, he indicated the defense attorney and asked, “Mrs. Smith, do you know him?”

She replied, “Yes, I’ve known Mr. Bradley for many years. He’s lazy and bigoted and drinks too much. He nearly bankrupted his family with his gambling debts, and he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney blanched. Laughter filled the courtroom.

The judge summoned both attorneys to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, “If either one of you sons of bitches asks her if she knows me, you’re going to jail!”

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Three race horses in adjoining stalls were arguing over which of them was the best.

“Of my last sixteen races, I’ve won nine,” said the first horse.

“Not bad,” said the second horse. “But of my last twenty-two races, I’ve won fourteen.”

“Impressive,” said the third horse. “But of my last twenty-nine races, I’ve won twenty-three.”

A greyhound who was lurking nearby overheard the horses arguing and decided to join the conversation.

“I don’t mean to brag,” the greyhound said, “but of my last forty-six races, I’ve won forty-three.”

The horses were clearly astonished. After a long silence, one of the horses said in an awestruck voice, “Wow! A talking dog!”

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A Scotsman who was an expert bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The deceased had no family or friends, and the burial was to be at a pauper’s cemetery. The area was unfamiliar to the bagpiper, and while trying to follow the directions the funeral director had given him, he got lost.

He arrived more than an hour late. The funeral director had apparently left, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. Only the gravediggers remained, and they were eating their lunch. The Scotsman felt terrible and apologized to the men for being so late. Then he started to play his bagpipes.

The workers put down their lunches and listened. As the bagpiper played “Amazing Grace” for the poor homeless man, the workers began to weep. When the song ended, the Scotsman packed up his pipes and prepared to leave.

As he walked toward his car, he overheard one worker say to another, “I never seen nothin’ like that before, and I been puttin’ in septic tanks for twenty years.”

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