I don’t have a big ego. I’m way too cool for that.
I bought myself a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.
If all your problems are behind you, you might be a school bus driver.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It also tends to get you fired.
I’m not big on seizing the day. I just kind of poke it with a stick.
Many people don’t know this, but it’s possible to read something you disagree with and simply move on with your life.
A dollar may not go as far as it used to, but what it lacks in distance, it makes up for in speed.
Easy way to drop twenty pounds: go shopping in London.
Kids these days don’t know how easy they have it. In my day we had to walk nine feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Some guy is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $11.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
We have only ourselves to blame for all the crime today. We got rid of all the phone booths, and now Superman has nowhere to change.
Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.
If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.
The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Cupid’s arrows hurt a lot more coming out than they do going in.
If I had to describe myself using only one word, it would be “doesn’t follow directions.”
You don’t need spurs on both boots. If one side of a horse starts to run, so will the other.
Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
How do you tell a plumber from a chemist? Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
Monday is one my favorite days of the week — the seventh favorite.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for millennia despite not having brains gives hope to many people.
I haven’t lost my mind. Half of it just wandered off, and the other half went looking for it.
Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
To this day, the kid who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes very good Subway sandwiches.
My opinion offended you? You should hear the ones I keep to myself!
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
Hamburger Helper works only if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your children’s job.
I am an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.
The road to hell is paved with political correctness.
I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a paycheck so I could buy books.
Stop trying to make everybody happy. You aren’t chocolate.
A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
A degree in musical theater won’t make you a math whiz, but you will know how to solve a problem like Maria.
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
A gun in the hand is worth an entire police force on the phone.
Dance like no one is watching. Because they’re not. They’re checking their phones.
Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.
If you need to cry, please use a tissue, not your Facebook status.
I’ve got to stop saying “How stupid can you be?” Too many people take it as a challenge.
I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
The town where I grew up was so small that we didn’t even have a village idiot. We had to take turns.
“Buffet” is French for “get it yourself.”
I don’t mind Disney lying to me about Prince Charming. I’m more upset about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
Scientists have discovered that people will believe anything if you claim that scientists have discovered it.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
When a habit begins to cost money, it’s called a hobby.
I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem WITHOUT caffeine.
Someone accused me of living in a fantasy world. I was so shocked I almost fell off my unicorn.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I carry a gun because I’d get a hernia carrying a cop.
Research has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
My generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we’re old, they tell us to listen to the children.
Everything fits when you pound it with a sledgehammer.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from Hell.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to get emotionally attached.
Misuse of “literally” makes me figuratively insane.
Never try to drown your sorrows. They can swim.
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That’s why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
People never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning.
Housework won’t kill you, but why take a chance?
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if other people would just manage their stupidity.
If I ever end up on life support, unplug me… then plug me back in again. See if that works.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
Easy way to burn 2000 calories: put the brownies in the oven and forget to set the timer.
A gun is like a parachute. If you need one but don’t have it, you’ll probably never need one again.
A positive attitude may not solve your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
You’ve really got to hand it to short people, because they usually can’t reach it anyway.
Resistance is not futile. It’s voltage divided by current.
It’s hard to save money when your neighbors keep buying things you can’t afford.
Nothing is impossible to a man who doesn’t have to do it.
Never allow a tobacco-chewing dyslexic near your “tips” jar.
Last week someone stole my identity. Today they showed up at my door and pleaded with me to take it back.
Have you heard of the new online dating service eHonesty? You fill out a detailed profile, and they tell you why nobody will want you.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My memory is so bad that I changed my password to “incorrect.” That way when I enter the wrong one, it’ll tell me, “Your password is incorrect.”
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I can’t believe it’s 2017 and there’s still no “fold” button on my dryer.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road you put the stuff.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition, do not expect a warning shot. Thank you for understanding.
All I ask is a chance to prove that winning the lottery can’t make me happy.
Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies.
Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.
Scientists say the universe consists of protons, electrons, and neutrons. They forgot to mention morons.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
When someone asks “What would Jesus do?” remind them that freaking out and flipping tables is a viable option.
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
Multi-tasking: screwing up several things at the same time.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
A lot of pessimists got that way from financing optimists.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things… like “It’s time to wake up.”
It was a sad day when I learned that my universal remote control did not, in fact, control the universe. Not even remotely.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
I said I have a can-do attitude; I never said I had a will-do attitude.
When I was a kid, I could toast a marshmallow over my birthday cake. Now I could roast a turkey.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
I thought I’d lost weight, but it turned out the drawstring on my sweatpants came untied.
When they come for your guns and ammo, let them have the ammo first.
To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I use sarcasm because beating the crap out of people is frowned on in most societies.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
When I was little, I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill, I’m scared of the lights.
I’m so old that when I went to school, history was called current events.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Conventions demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
I’ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
If more sane people were armed, the crazy people would get off fewer shots.
The best things in life are free, but the optional accessories really run up the bill.
Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either.
Never corner anything meaner than you.
You know you’re getting old when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here. If you have already abandoned hope, please disregard this message.
In dog beers, I’ve only had one.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing.
If you’re going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
Parents talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Never read the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
I’m always late for everything. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
I have CDO. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.
Teach your kids the value of a dollar, and they’ll demand their allowances in gold.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, middle age just looks tired.
Never try to outwit a woman unless you are one.
I don’t want to brag or make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore back in high school.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
If you can’t learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
If a woman speaks and no one is listening, her name is probably Mom.
The first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit earth was from Ohio. The first man on the moon was from Ohio. Seems as though a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.
My computer beats me at chess. I beat it at kickboxing.
Even if the voices aren’t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
If you’re happy and you know it, go away.
If you’re not part of the solution, there’s money to be made in prolonging the problem.
Junk is stuff we throw away. Stuff is junk we keep.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
I wonder if clouds ever look down and say, “Look — there’s one that’s shaped like an idiot!”
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Sixty-three percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I live in my own little world, but it’s okay, they know me here.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
Just say “no” to negativity.
God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and friends to post my bail when I finally snap.
A misogynist is a man who views women the way women do.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Marxism is the opiate of intellectuals.
I don’t think of them as hot flashes. I think of them as my inner child playing with matches.
My idea of rebooting is to kick someone in the butt twice.
That which does not kill me only postpones the inevitable.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
If you lie to the government, it’s a felony. If the government lies to you, it’s politics.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits.
Some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Never forget that someone else is happy with less than what you have.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
My short-term memory isn’t the only thing that’s failing. My short-term memory is, too.
Where there’s a will, there’s an inheritance tax.
Calling abortion advocates “pro-choice” is like calling slavery advocates “pro-jobs.”
I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
The only thing more overrated than natural childbirth is the joy of owning your own business.
I’m going crazy — want to come along?
Silence is golden… unless you have a preschooler, then silence is suspicious.
I don’t understand how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, how do they not hear the music?
There are two ways to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
I have OCD and ADD. So everything has to be perfect, but not for very long.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
As long as there are final exams, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don’t like making plans for the day, because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
You’re just jealous because the voices talk only to me.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, or converse about Thesaurus Club.
Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I charged it.
Don’t question authority; they don’t know either.
I’m on the endangered species waiting list.
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
You may not like guns, and you may not like God. But when an intruder tries to break into your home, the first thing you’ll do is call someone with a gun, and then pray that they arrive in time.
I have a degree in philosophy. WHY do you want fries with that?
Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year.
Sarcasm is the mind’s natural defense against stupidity.
When capitalists can’t sell a product, they work to make it better. When socialists can’t sell a product, they pass a law requiring everyone to buy it.
Burning bridges takes too long. I prefer explosives.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
Television can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
The difference between the pope and your boss is that the pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning — one brilliant flash and it’s gone.
If you read only one book this year, you should read more books.
Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing all day!
If you can’t take the heat, don’t tickle the dragon.
I don’t expect to have everything handed to me. Just set it down wherever.
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
If I had to choose between freedom of speech and my gun, I’d choose my gun. Then I’d say whatever the hell I want, because I have a gun.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I’m not short. I’m fun size.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It’s always darkest just before the dawn, so if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Don’t call me a “cracker.” The correct term is “Saltine-American.”
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but then I turned myself around.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
Anytime you feel bad about procrastinating, recall that Mozart composed the overture to Don Giovanni the morning of the day the opera premiered.
If you lend someone $50 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is never putting it in a fruit salad.
A woman’s work is never done, so why bother?
If you think you’re too small to make a difference, you’ve never had a mosquito in your bedroom.
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Getting old doesn’t make you forgetful. Having too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful.
My parents wanted me to have the things they didn’t have when they were kids, like straight A’s on every report card.
Never let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.
Help a man when he’s in trouble and he will remember you the next time he’s in trouble.
I used to watch golf on TV until my doctor told me that I need more exercise. Now I watch tennis.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re running about average.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
One half of the world doesn’t understand the other half, and it doesn’t matter which half you’re in.
When dining with chess players, never use a checkered tablecloth. It could take them hours to pass the salt.
Never forget that golf was invented as a game by the same people who invented bagpipes for music.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet Him.
Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.
No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
If you can’t be with the wine you love, love the wine you’re with.
A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worth it.
Progressives don’t oppose tyranny. They oppose not being in charge of it.
The first testicular guard was used in hockey in 1874. The first helmet was used in 1974. In other words, it took 100 years for men to realize that their brains are also important.
The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can’t stand you away from the folks who are undecided.
I put all my money into taxes — that’s the only thing that’s sure to go up.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. Now she has six kids but doesn’t really care.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
The reason politicians are so desperate to be re-elected is that they could never make a living under the laws they’ve passed.
I know where I am. I’ve been lost here before.
As soon as I get a grip on reality, I’m going to choke it.
There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It’s only murder if they find the body; otherwise, it’s a missing person.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
There are three ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself. 2. Hire someone to do it. 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
When I die, I want to be buried in Chicago, so I can keep voting.
The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.
Take my advice. I don’t use it anyway.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up.
Children are natural mimics; they act like us in spite of our attempts to teach them good manners.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: take two and keep away from children.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you look like your passport picture, you’re not well enough to travel.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Criminals are constrained by gun laws to the same extent that politicians are constrained by their oaths of office.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
“Why was there only one set of footprints?” I asked. “Because,” he said, “Sand people always ride single file, to hide their numbers.”
If all else fails, stop using all else.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
My child is an honor student at the state correctional facility.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
Sometimes I feel as if the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Madness takes a toll. Please have exact change.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving him a second bullet for his gun because he missed you the first time.
I watched this movie where a guy’s wife is brutally murdered and his son is left disabled. The son is kidnapped and held captive while his father chases the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally challenged woman…. “Finding Nemo” is quite the thriller.
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Dance like no one is watching. Text and email like it will be read aloud in court someday.
I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I’m on the last one.
Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say, “I know it’s hard, but you’re going to be okay. Here is chocolate and six million dollars.”
Think once before you speak, twice before you act, and three times before you post on Facebook.
I thought I’d try cooking with wine, but after four glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
Writer’s block is when your imaginary friends won’t talk to you.
I had a really bad day. First, my ex was run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Bummer.
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Home is where you can say whatever you want because no one listens to you anyway.
All the world’s a stage, and I missed rehearsal.
I’m not a procrastinator. I wait until the last minute because I will be older, and therefore wiser. It’s strategic.
My Internet connection went down for five straight minutes. I’m all right, but the 911 operator was a total jerk about it.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
No sense being pessimistic; it probably won’t work anyway.
Someone finally invented a a solar-powered laundry dryer. It’s called a clothes line.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where I can return Monday.
Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
With HDTV everything looks bigger and wider… kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.
Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally.
Some people won’t suffer in silence because that would take all the fun out of it.
Love might not make the world go round, but it sure makes a lot of people dizzy.
The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.
The real reason large families benefit society is that at least a few of the children in the world shouldn’t be raised by beginners.
You know you’ve met a good tax accountant when you find one who has a loophole named after him.
My people skills are just fine, but my tolerance for idiots could use some work.
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
People say I’m weird, but I’m just practicing to become eccentric.
The early bird can have the worm because worms and mornings suck.
Why pay to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
I love gardening. It helps when you need to hide the bodies.
A new report says that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.
There’s a fine line between a long sermon and a hostage situation.
Only in math problems can you buy forty cantaloupes and no one asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Whatever you do, always give 100%… unless you’re donating blood.
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.
Online shopping combines two of my favorite things: saving money and avoiding people.
In heaven, the cooks are French, the police are British, the cars are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss. In hell, the cooks are British, the police are German, the cars are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.
In life you are given two ends, one to think with and the other to sit on. Your success depends on which end you use most: heads you win, tails you lose.
To anyone whom I have not yet offended, my apologies. I will get to you shortly. Thank you for your patience.