hot cross puns

Several of the attendees at a chess masters convention were loitering in the hotel lobby, bragging about their past victories. The hotel manager came over and asked them to disperse. When they wanted to know why, he informed them that the hotel rules strictly prohibited chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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Everyone knows about William Tell’s accomplishments as an archer. However, historians have recently learned that in addition to archery, Tell also excelled at bowling, a sport he participated in regularly with his wife and children. But sadly, all the league records have been lost, so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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A musician on a cruise ship had trouble keeping time with the rest of the orchestra. Finally, the conductor said, “Look, either you learn to keep time or I’m going to throw you overboard. It’s up to you — sync or swim.”

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Three young Indian braves got married, and each built a teepee for his new bride. The first made a teepee from antelope hide, the second made a teepee from buffalo hide, and the third made a teepee from hippopotamus hide. Nine months later, the squaw in the antelope teepee had a baby boy, the squaw in the buffalo teepee had a baby girl, and the squaw in the hippopotamus teepee had twins — which only goes to show that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

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A single mother with three young children had to juggle several part-time jobs while attending college to get her degree. She managed to survive it all with the help of an espresso machine given to her by a sympathetic friend. After four years of heroic effort, she graduated, summa cum latte.

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Larry was spending the summer working on a cattle ranch in Nebraska, while his girlfriend Katie was teaching horseback riding at a summer camp in Kentucky. At the beginning of the summer, Larry wrote to Katie every day, telling her how much he missed her and how eagerly he looked forward to seeing her again when the summer was over. But when Larry became friends with Edith, the rancher’s daughter, he suddenly became a lot less lonely, and his letters to Katie became less frequent. When the summer came to an end, Larry found himself torn between his desire to see his girlfriend again, and his sadness over having to leave his new friend. But he was smart enough to know that you can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.

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A teddy bear was working on a construction site. He took a lunch break, and when he returned, he found that his pick had been stolen. The bear was upset and reported the theft to the foreman. The foreman said, “Oh, I forgot to tell you — today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

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Elsie grew up as an only child, and although she’d always known she was adopted, she didn’t find out until she was in her twenties that her birth mother had also given up twin boys for adoption. Eager to find her brothers, Elsie did some detective work. She learned that one of the boys had been adopted by a Turkish couple, who named their son Amahl, and the other had been adopted by a Mexican couple, who named their son Juan. She wrote letters to each of her brothers, and enclosed a photograph of herself in each letter. Soon she received a letter and a photograph from Juan, and shortly after that she also received a letter from Amahl, but no photograph. Elsie was disappointed, but she consoled herself with the knowledge that they were identical twins, so if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.

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A Viking returned home after a long voyage and discovered that his name was missing from the town register. His wife brought this to the attention of a local civic official, who apologized, saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

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A scientist was feeling overwhelmed by all the work he had to do, and wished he had someone who could give his lectures for him so he could stay in his laboratory and concentrate on his research. So he cloned himself, and delegated all his lecturing duties to the clone. But it wasn’t long before he regretted his action, because the clone turned out to be a man of very poor character who used vulgar language and engaged in lewd and lascivious acts, which threatened to ruin the scientist’s reputation. So the scientist took his clone for a drive out in the country, where he lured him to the edge of a cliff and pushed him over. Unfortunately for the scientist, a hiker who happened to be in the woods nearby saw this happen, and reported it to the authorities. When the scientist arrived back at his home, there were several cops waiting for him, and he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

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A Scottish painter named Angus, who was extremely frugal and thrifty, often thinned down his paint with turpentine to make it go a little further. He got away with this for quite some time. When the parish kirk was in need of repainting, Angus, having submitted the low bid, was hired to do the job. He set to work on a clear, sunny day, and he had nearly finished when suddenly the sky grew dark and there was a thunderclap so loud that Angus lost his balance and fell from his ladder. A torrential downpour followed, washing all the thinned-down paint from the building. Knowing that this was a judgment from the Almighty, Angus fell to his knees and cried, “Oh, dear God, forgive me! What should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

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Vanida, an immigrant from Bangkok, needed a job. The pastor at her church knew of an opening at a bookbinding operation and suggested that Vanida apply for it. When the owner of the bindery interviewed Vanida, he decided she was perfect for the job and hired her on the spot. When her pastor heard the good news, he sent her a bouquet of flowers accompanied by a card reading “Blest be the Thai that binds.”

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A zoo was getting a new wildebeest, but the animal arrived earlier than expected, before its cage was ready. The crew that was supposed to lay the floor tiles was due to arrive the following day, but for the moment, all the tiles were stacked in a corner of the cage. Still, there was no place else to put the wildebeest, so into the cage it went. The zookeeper gave it some supper and plenty of fresh water, and left it there for the night. When he returned the next morning to see how the wildebeest was doing, the zookeeper was astonished to see that all the floor tiles had been neatly laid. The cage was still locked, and the zookeeper had the only key. He called the veterinarian and told him what had happened. The veterinarian came and examined the wildebeest and, finding it to be perfectly healthy and normal, concluded that it was just a typical gnu, and tiler, too.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he steps up onto a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

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More shameless punning:

A touching little story from Yugoslavia

Hooked on phonics

News from across the pond

Keeping cool

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