Bar jokes for English majors

February 20, 2018

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a war. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart. 

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines. 

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony. 


I can’t brain today, I have the dumb — sign language edition

February 19, 2018


Sunday funnies

February 18, 2018


Sunday musical offering

February 18, 2018

Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
Congregavit nos in unum Christi amor.
Exsultemus, et in ipso jucundemur.
Timeamus, et amemus Deum vivum.
Et ex corde diligamus nos sincero.

Where charity and love are, God is there.
Love of Christ has gathered us into one.
Let us rejoice in Him and be glad.
Let us fear, and let us love the living God.
And from a sincere heart let us love one another.


Caturday funnies

February 17, 2018


Friday happy dance

February 16, 2018


Happy birthday, Bob

February 15, 2018

In the seven years since the bluebird of bitterness was hatched, it has gone from an obscure little blog that no one had ever heard of to an obscure little blog that most people have never heard of. More importantly, it has provided more or less steady employment to Bob’s brother Otto and his sisters Nan, Ada, Hannah, and Eve. Bob was even able to hire a few new employees this year, which made the annual office party a lot more fun for his siblings, since they were able to leave all the planning and preparations to the new hires.

Sylvia volunteered to handle the refreshments. There’s nothing Sylvia enjoys more than feeding people, unless it’s trying out new recipes on her unsuspecting kids.

Lamar and Lucille helped by gathering ingredients for her.

Trisha and Victoria made the party hats…

Doreen did the floral arrangements…

… and Virgil and Artemis were in charge of games, even though everyone knew what the games would end up being if Virgil and Artemis were in charge.

Cleo and Mimi were the entertainment committee. Their cousin Cicilia is an up-and-coming opera singer, currently starring in “The Thieving Magpie,” and they persuaded her to come and warble a few arias.

Everyone said the cupcakes Sylvia made were too pretty to eat… then went ahead and ate them anyway.

Arnold took first place in the skateboard competition…

… and Cicilia’s singing was a big hit with everyone!

Well, almost everyone. Otto grumbled because there were no English subtitles…

…and Lamar and Lucille got into an argument over whether “The Thieving Magpie” or “The Barber of Seville” was Rossini’s greatest opera. It ended the way Lamar and Lucille’s arguments usually end.

Bob had to threaten to fire the both of them if they didn’t stop their squabbling, and he told Lamar to go soak his head.

Which Lamar did.

In spite of all that, it was a great day. There was a congratulatory call from Mom and Dad down in Florida…

…and one from second cousin Schlomo in New York…

…and even one from third cousin Robin in Dorchester-on-Thames!

All in all, an anniversary to remember.


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