bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

It’s a big book, but reading it is an important part of our spiritual walk. From morning devotionals to more in-depth studies, everyone needs to carve out a little time in their day to crack open that sacred tome and spend some time in serious reflection and devotion.

We’re talking about the Cheesecake Factory menu, of course. And the best way to read through the menu is to have a plan.

Here’s how you can read through the Cheesecake Factory menu in just one year.

The key is to spend 15 minutes a day on the sections indicated for each month. If you follow this plan, you should be finished by December 31.

January – Table of contents, introduction, and foreword – You’ll have to power through, but you should be able to complete this by the end of January. You’re off to a great start!

February – Small Plates, Snacks & Appetizers – Take some time and look over the 78 salad options, Korean-fried cauliflower, and seven pages of stuffed mushroom varieties.

March – Salads, Flatbread Pizzas & Lunch – This is where most people give up on their Cheesecake Factory menu reading. Hang in there! We know the 200 pages of flatbread pizzas can be tough, but it gets easier once you get to the sacred new testament of Cheesecake in the fall.

April – Specialties & Pastas – So many kinds of pasta. If you miss a few days here or there, that’s OK! Just read 30 minutes of pasta pages the next day.

May – Fish, Seafood & Steaks – How many ways are there to prepare shrimp, anyway? The sacred Book of Seafood chapter 119 is the longest book in the Holy Menu, but it’s so powerful. 

June – Glamburgers® & Sandwiches – Yes, they’re mainly just burgers and BLTs. But with careful, verse-by-verse exposition, you’ll get so much spiritual application out of this book. What’s the Grilled Chicken and Avocado Club in your life?

July – SkinnyLicious® – This book is considered apocryphal by the Baptists. But you should read it anyway for completion’s sake.

August – Breakfast & Brunch – You’ve made it through the intertestamental period, and you’re into breakfast and brunch! It’s smooth sailing from here on out. Just let not thine eyes linger too long on the various mimosas.

September – Kids, Sides & Extras – Let the little children come unto Cheesecake Factory, for they will be filled with Grilled Salmon, Grilled Chicken, and 92 different dessert options.

October – Cheesecakes & Desserts – Ah, now we’re into the good stuff. Some pastors have spent their entire ministries just preaching through the Cheesecakes, though Cheesecakes Chapter 9 has caused much theological debate. Do we choose what kind of cheesecake we want, or does the cheesecake choose us? 

November – Beverages – The various small epistles of Beverages are quite edifying. Many Southern Baptist churches exclusively preach on the epistle of Sweet Tea. Keep it up! You’re almost there!

December – From the Bar – This prophetic book tells us about the apocalypse. There are also really good lemondrop martinis and Ballast Point brews.

You did it! You read through the Cheesecake Factory Menu in a year! You’re way more spiritual than all those false believers at Applebees with their fake revelations from heaven.