Sunday funnies

July 1, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

Monster Energy Introduces New Maximum Strength Formula for VBS Volunteers

CORONA, CA—Monster Beverage Corporation announced Friday the company is introducing a new “maximum strength” formula of its popular energy drink, specifically targeted at Vacation Bible School volunteers.

The drink claims to have “the absolute maximum amount” of Vitamins B12, B6, B3, caffeine, and taurine a human can ingest at one time without dying, in addition to newly discovered proprietary chemicals designed to help VBS volunteers labor for hours each day.

“Whether you’re expected to display almost creepy levels of enthusiasm and excitement in the daily VBS skits or rallies, or your hands are bleeding from making insanely complex spaceship crafts out of aluminum foil and Elmer’s glue, Monster Energy: VBS Blend is for you,” a spokesperson said. “Nursery workers, games organizers, and especially children’s ministers are going to love this new product.”

The energy drink is shipping now in three flavors: Watered-Down Punch, Cheesy Casserole, and Baptist Grape.

Also from The Babylon Bee: 

Nation’s Hospitals Prepare for Influx of Shell-Shocked VBS Volunteers

Church Uses ‘Hunger Games’ Footage as VBS Volunteer Training Video

Christmas play prominently features essential oils in product placement deal

December 13, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

UPLAND, CA—In a lucrative product placement deal, Faithcurrents Community Church prominently featured several doTerra essential oils at several key moments during its annual nativity play, sources confirmed Monday.

Rather than bringing gold, frankincense, and myrrh, the Magi gifted doTerra starter kits, special peppermint blends, and a premium oil diffuser to help with Baby Jesus’s colic. The Magi took several minutes to conspicuously display the products and describe them in great detail for the audience while presenting them to the young Savior.

“And this here is what every young Messiah needs: a full set of doTerra essential oils, also available for purchase in the lobby for just $29.99,” one of the Magi said excitedly, holding up a premium starter kit as the church’s camera crew zoomed in to give the crowd a good look. “I never leave for a historic journey from the Far East without one.”

Another scene had the shepherds calming their fussy sheep with an essential oil diffuser, and featured the angels singing about several exciting new essential oil blends entitled “Peace” and “Goodwill,” both of which were also available for purchase in the church’s foyer after the performance.

“On earth peace, goodwill toward men! And if you really want peace and goodwill, you’ll upgrade to our special diffuser pack, so you can have true joy this holiday season all throughout your home,” one angel said.

During the customary altar call invitation at the end of the show, Pastor Lucas’s wife Jenna reportedly spent 15 minutes pleading with the crowd to start their own doTerra business and “take control of your lives,” as the choir sang “Jesus, I Come.”

According to sources within the church, several prominent essential oil brands were involved in a tight bidding war for the featured spot in the performance, with doTerra’s rumored bid of $1.3 million narrowly beating out a competitive offer from a Young Living rep at the church.

Sunday funnies

November 19, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Back Pew Voted Best Spot In Church Fifty-Eighth Year Running

U.S.—The back pew at church was voted the best seat in the house among churchgoers for the 58th year running, sources at LifeWay Research confirmed Tuesday.

Regular church attendees were polled on their preferences for a place to sit during a service, with options ranging from the various pews in the sanctuary and the overflow room to the comfort of one’s own home while watching an online broadcast.

Over 92% of those polled stated that sitting in the very back pew is the perfect spot: far enough away that the pastor can’t effectively gaze into your soul, but close enough that you feel good about yourself for showing up unlike those heathens who are playing hooky.

“Respondents did seem to prefer an aisle seat so they can slip out as soon as the last worship song starts, but were almost unanimous in their enthusiasm over finding a spot in the back,” Scott McConnell, executive director of LifeWay Research said. “Things like being able to covertly check sports scores on one’s smartphone and ‘totally space out’ during a sermon without the pastor knowing were both major factors in the popularity of the pew.”

The front pew was voted the second worst spot in church, according to researchers, just behind those chairs onstage behind the pastor.

Bill Nye to dress up as real scientist for Halloween

October 30, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

ENCINO, CA—Speaking to reporters Tuesday, television personality Bill Nye announced his plans to spend the evening of Halloween roaming his upscale Los Angeles neighborhood dressed as an actual scientist.

“I’ve always wanted to be a real scientist, and I have the perfect costume,” said Nye, best known for playing the title role on the 1990’s Saturday morning children’s program Bill Nye The Science Guy. “I already have a lab coat and bow tie that make me look super science-y.”

Nye told reporters he plans to enhance his costume by carrying copies of scientific journal articles, with his name substituted as the real author. “Aren’t these so lifelike?” he enthusiastically exclaimed. “They make me look like I’ve actually published serious peer-reviewed scientific research articles.”

The television personality also confirmed that he will bring along some honorary doctorate degrees bestowed upon him by several universities. “These fake degrees look so authentic, they would make anyone seem like a legitimate scientific scholar committed to open-minded inquiry.”

“I’ll have to be careful what I say that night,” he added. “My costume is so convincing, people might believe that my personal opinions about a multitude of topics are actual scientific facts.”

When asked if he plans to spend any time on Halloween launching misinformed, condescending attacks on people who disagree with him politically or philosophically, he replied, “No, that’s not something a real scientist would do.”

Sunday funnies

October 8, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Archaeologists Discover King David’s Collection of Essential Oils

ONTARIO, CA—Dr. Gary Arbino, Professor of Old Testament at the Gateway Seminary in southern California and world-renowned biblical archaeologist claims to have unearthed King David’s essential oils collection, the scholar announced Thursday.

The 3,000-year-old repository of oils was preserved from decay in a cave recently discovered by roaming bedouin shepherds in the Judaean desert. This archaeological find, rivaling that of the Dead Sea Scrolls in 1946, confirms claims that these oils originate from ancient religious rites and rituals.

At a press conference devoted to the discovery, Arbino noted that these oils will help scholars interpret the Scriptures in a new light: “Evidently these oils are much more essential than we initially believed—we now consider King David’s statement ‘You anoint my head with oil’ in Psalm 23 to be a reference to doTERRA’s CitrusBliss Invigorating Blend.”

Others have been quick to add their support for Arbino’s interpretation. “It makes perfect sense,” one press conference attendee confirmed, “David was a tortured soul. He could have used more Serenity, and less Passion, if you know what I mean.”

In related news, sales of essential oils have more than doubled since the announcement. According to one doTERRA representative, supply for doTERRA’s Passion Inspiring Blend and Serenity Restful Blend will not soon match current demand.

Sunday funnies

September 24, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Angry Arminian Mob Pulls Down Statue of John Calvin

PITTSBURGH, PA—A rowdy gang of angry, riled-up Arminian believers gathered to pull down a statue of Reformer John Calvin standing in front of Calvin Reformed Bible College & Seminary, authorities confirmed Friday.

The band of Wesleyan troublemakers brought a rope, lassoed it around the neck of the stone likeness of Calvin, and yanked it down while yelling rallying cries like “Down with limited atonement!” “You’ll never take our free will!” and “For Servetus!”

Mob members then stomped on the statue and spray-painted crude Arminian slogans on the downed Reformer, according to police reports.

“We encourage all citizens to stay indoors as this dangerous gang of theological hooligans roams the streets,” police chief Ed Patterson said at a press conference. “When you get the Arminians going, there’s no extent to the depravity they can display.”

“Stay safe out there, and may God bless you all,” the police officer concluded before ducking to avoid an on-fire copy of Why I Am Not A Calvinist hurled by a rogue protester in the crowd.

Sunday funnies

September 10, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Local Christian Comes Out As Bidenominational

GREENBELT, MD—Stephen Page has always found himself attracted not only to the Baptist tradition that raised him, but also, secretly, to Presbyterianism, a denomination that he has long considered timeless and beautiful—and after years of living a “double life,” the local man has finally come out to his friends and family and officially identified himself as bidenominational.

A relieved Page spoke to reporters outside of Trinity Presbyterian Church after his big announcement Thursday, describing himself as “relieved” and “finally free.”

“I go to a Baptist church, and I go to a Presbyterian church. I love them both. It’s who I am,” he said. “Do I find believer’s baptism to be biblical and beautiful? Yes. But guess what? I’m down with some paedobaptism too.”

“Sometimes I’ll even hit the early service at the Presby church, watch a baby get sprinkled, and then go rock out at my Baptist church’s 11 a.m. service and see some folks get dunked,” he admitted. “I love who I am and wouldn’t want to be any other way.”

Asked if he had ever dabbled in Lutheranism, and intrigued Page said no, and added that he was “definitely going to look into that.”

See also: Snopes Rates Babylon Bee World’s Most Accurate News Source

%d bloggers like this: