Sunday funnies

November 19, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Back Pew Voted Best Spot In Church Fifty-Eighth Year Running

U.S.—The back pew at church was voted the best seat in the house among churchgoers for the 58th year running, sources at LifeWay Research confirmed Tuesday.

Regular church attendees were polled on their preferences for a place to sit during a service, with options ranging from the various pews in the sanctuary and the overflow room to the comfort of one’s own home while watching an online broadcast.

Over 92% of those polled stated that sitting in the very back pew is the perfect spot: far enough away that the pastor can’t effectively gaze into your soul, but close enough that you feel good about yourself for showing up unlike those heathens who are playing hooky.

“Respondents did seem to prefer an aisle seat so they can slip out as soon as the last worship song starts, but were almost unanimous in their enthusiasm over finding a spot in the back,” Scott McConnell, executive director of LifeWay Research said. “Things like being able to covertly check sports scores on one’s smartphone and ‘totally space out’ during a sermon without the pastor knowing were both major factors in the popularity of the pew.”

The front pew was voted the second worst spot in church, according to researchers, just behind those chairs onstage behind the pastor.


Bill Nye to dress up as real scientist for Halloween

October 30, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

ENCINO, CA—Speaking to reporters Tuesday, television personality Bill Nye announced his plans to spend the evening of Halloween roaming his upscale Los Angeles neighborhood dressed as an actual scientist.

“I’ve always wanted to be a real scientist, and I have the perfect costume,” said Nye, best known for playing the title role on the 1990’s Saturday morning children’s program Bill Nye The Science Guy. “I already have a lab coat and bow tie that make me look super science-y.”

Nye told reporters he plans to enhance his costume by carrying copies of scientific journal articles, with his name substituted as the real author. “Aren’t these so lifelike?” he enthusiastically exclaimed. “They make me look like I’ve actually published serious peer-reviewed scientific research articles.”

The television personality also confirmed that he will bring along some honorary doctorate degrees bestowed upon him by several universities. “These fake degrees look so authentic, they would make anyone seem like a legitimate scientific scholar committed to open-minded inquiry.”

“I’ll have to be careful what I say that night,” he added. “My costume is so convincing, people might believe that my personal opinions about a multitude of topics are actual scientific facts.”

When asked if he plans to spend any time on Halloween launching misinformed, condescending attacks on people who disagree with him politically or philosophically, he replied, “No, that’s not something a real scientist would do.”


Sunday funnies

October 8, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Archaeologists Discover King David’s Collection of Essential Oils

ONTARIO, CA—Dr. Gary Arbino, Professor of Old Testament at the Gateway Seminary in southern California and world-renowned biblical archaeologist claims to have unearthed King David’s essential oils collection, the scholar announced Thursday.

The 3,000-year-old repository of oils was preserved from decay in a cave recently discovered by roaming bedouin shepherds in the Judaean desert. This archaeological find, rivaling that of the Dead Sea Scrolls in 1946, confirms claims that these oils originate from ancient religious rites and rituals.

At a press conference devoted to the discovery, Arbino noted that these oils will help scholars interpret the Scriptures in a new light: “Evidently these oils are much more essential than we initially believed—we now consider King David’s statement ‘You anoint my head with oil’ in Psalm 23 to be a reference to doTERRA’s CitrusBliss Invigorating Blend.”

Others have been quick to add their support for Arbino’s interpretation. “It makes perfect sense,” one press conference attendee confirmed, “David was a tortured soul. He could have used more Serenity, and less Passion, if you know what I mean.”

In related news, sales of essential oils have more than doubled since the announcement. According to one doTERRA representative, supply for doTERRA’s Passion Inspiring Blend and Serenity Restful Blend will not soon match current demand.


Sunday funnies

September 24, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Angry Arminian Mob Pulls Down Statue of John Calvin

PITTSBURGH, PA—A rowdy gang of angry, riled-up Arminian believers gathered to pull down a statue of Reformer John Calvin standing in front of Calvin Reformed Bible College & Seminary, authorities confirmed Friday.

The band of Wesleyan troublemakers brought a rope, lassoed it around the neck of the stone likeness of Calvin, and yanked it down while yelling rallying cries like “Down with limited atonement!” “You’ll never take our free will!” and “For Servetus!”

Mob members then stomped on the statue and spray-painted crude Arminian slogans on the downed Reformer, according to police reports.

“We encourage all citizens to stay indoors as this dangerous gang of theological hooligans roams the streets,” police chief Ed Patterson said at a press conference. “When you get the Arminians going, there’s no extent to the depravity they can display.”

“Stay safe out there, and may God bless you all,” the police officer concluded before ducking to avoid an on-fire copy of Why I Am Not A Calvinist hurled by a rogue protester in the crowd.


Sunday funnies

September 10, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Local Christian Comes Out As Bidenominational

GREENBELT, MD—Stephen Page has always found himself attracted not only to the Baptist tradition that raised him, but also, secretly, to Presbyterianism, a denomination that he has long considered timeless and beautiful—and after years of living a “double life,” the local man has finally come out to his friends and family and officially identified himself as bidenominational.

A relieved Page spoke to reporters outside of Trinity Presbyterian Church after his big announcement Thursday, describing himself as “relieved” and “finally free.”

“I go to a Baptist church, and I go to a Presbyterian church. I love them both. It’s who I am,” he said. “Do I find believer’s baptism to be biblical and beautiful? Yes. But guess what? I’m down with some paedobaptism too.”

“Sometimes I’ll even hit the early service at the Presby church, watch a baby get sprinkled, and then go rock out at my Baptist church’s 11 a.m. service and see some folks get dunked,” he admitted. “I love who I am and wouldn’t want to be any other way.”

Asked if he had ever dabbled in Lutheranism, and intrigued Page said no, and added that he was “definitely going to look into that.”

See also: Snopes Rates Babylon Bee World’s Most Accurate News Source


Mother returns home from women’s retreat to giant smoking crater

August 7, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

TUCSON, AZ—Wife and mother Rachel Peterson returned home Sunday night from her church’s annual women’s retreat to find a giant, smoking crater where her home once stood, sources confirmed.

According to sources, Peterson had left for the church-sponsored weekend in the mountains Friday afternoon, leaving her husband in charge of watching the house and kids.

“I only requested two things—keep the kids alive, and don’t burn the house down,” an exasperated Peterson reportedly said to her husband, who sat on a charred tree stump in the blackened front yard with their three children. “Just two things.”

“For goodness sake, I was only gone for like 48 hours,” she added.

Sources also confirmed the children had subsisted on a diet of microwaved pizzas and Netflix shows until the house exploded sometime on Sunday.

At publishing time, Peterson had begun rebuilding the house on her own using several creative ideas found on Pinterest.


Nation’s hospitals prepare for influx of shell-shocked VBS volunteers

June 28, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

The waves of patients typically begin arriving in late June, and peak in July and August—thousands of panicked and traumatized Vacation Bible School volunteers who haven’t slept in a full week begin flooding into America’s hospitals. Overworked and outnumbered doctors, nurses, and hospital staff from California to Maine are reportedly clearing rooms and adding beds to receive the sizable influx of shell-shocked VBS workers.

According to one veteran nurse working in a Dallas hospital, the sights, sounds, and smells of the VBS workers returning from the front-lines are often too much to bear. “We lose a lot of interns and new doctors during the VBS fallout,” she says. “Just seeing one worker return with water balloon shrapnel permanently lodged in her limbs, or a VBS mascot who is indefinitely stuck in character, is enough to drive hospital staff out of the healthcare industry for good.”

“They’re coming,” says Elaine Cabrera, an anesthesiologist from Seattle. “The entire hospital staff is on call. These poor people need us.”

Dr. Raymond Wilson, a resident psychology expert at Harvard, says that PTSD from Vacation Bible School is a common phenomenon, and the nation is going to have to wake up to fight the crisis together. “We cheer on VBS volunteers as they go off to war. We appreciate them. But when they return injured and mentally broken after enthusiastically hyping up children and taking shots of espresso intravenously for a week, we ignore them and fail to get them the help they deserve.”

While the specific injuries and level of trauma vary widely, the most common signs of VBSPTSD include being unable to stop humming the VBS theme song, having various adhesives, glitter, and other decorations stuck in one’s hair or clothes, a “permasmile” combined with a “thousand yard stare,” and an acute desire to continue serving in children’s ministry.


%d bloggers like this: