SAT drops scoring system, will award all students participation trophies

November 8, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In a move to lower educational standards even further, the College Board announced Wednesday the organization would be eliminating the scoring system from the SAT exams and replacing any kind of objective scoring with the awarding of participation trophies.

Students taking the test will no longer receive a traditional numerical score and will instead receive a trophy indicating they participated in the exam.

“Upon completion of the exam, whether they answered any questions correctly or not, students will get a gold ‘You Tried!’ sticker and a trophy,” said a College Board representative. “We can’t guarantee this will help prepare your kids for a future career, but it definitely will help them feel good about themselves.”

“That’s what education’s all about, after all,” he added.

Test proctors will roam the room and pat kids on the back throughout the exam, saying things like, “Great job answering ‘C’ on every question there, sport!” and “That’s an amazing drawing of an X-Wing you made all over the page. You’re a special kid, Johnny!”

At publishing time, sources had also confirmed students who take the SAT will be given a juice box and some orange slices.


Experts warn psychopaths may try to give your kids candy corn on Halloween

October 29, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—As many people in the nation prepare to celebrate Halloween, experts are cautioning the nation that some psychopaths may be handing out candy corn along with actual candy this year.

A report issued by government officials stated that many disturbed individuals may try to slip candy corn into your children’s candy bags.

“It appears many mentally ill people are planning on putting small bags of candy corn in with the actual candy,” said a CDC official. “Remember to check your kids’ bags before they accidentally chew on the wax-flavored globs of disgustingness.”

Warning signs that your kids may have inadvertently ingested candy corn include a look of revulsion on their faces, sudden vomiting, and yelling, “Hey, why does this candy taste like I’m chewing on a crayon?”

“Know the warning signs and educate your kids,” the CDC official added. “If they see a stranger handing out candy corn, remind them to run away and alert a law enforcement official.”

At publishing time, CDC officials had also warned parents to look out for flavorless Circus Peanuts.


Sunday funnies

August 12, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

God Confuses All the Languages Again to Stop Everybody from Arguing Online

In a modern-day repeat of the Tower of Babel narrative, the Lord has reportedly confused the languages of everyone who uses the internet in order to stop all the arguing.

The miraculous intervention occurred in an instant, as people around the world suddenly realized their means of communication had been scrambled so as to confound their efforts to flame each other.

A heavenly representative then released the following modern-day revelation, to be added to the end of the Bible, in order to record the event:

And the whole earth was of one internet, and of one online community.

And they said one to another, “Let us build websites and call them Facebook and Twitter, and we shall argue on them and call each other nazis and make each other miserable and angry.”

And the Lord came down to the see the websites which the children of men had built.

And the Lord said, “Behold, the people is one, and they have all one internet and this they begin to do: just yell and scream at each other and make straw-man arguments in their own image. They are completely useless, and they make me sad. Let us go down and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech, and thus stop all the stupid arguing and maybe do something useful with their time instead.”

So the Lord confounded their languages and broke Google Translate and the people were unable to use Twitter or Facebook get in pointless arguments with each other. Some then went on to do useful things, though most just watched something off Netflix.

At publishing time, humanity had agreed to begin to work together to figure out their new languages so they could resume arguing again as soon as possible.

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Humanity Just a Few More Bans Away from Only Having Good Opinions on the Internet

America Fondly Recalls Time When Most Divisive Topic of Discussion Was Sega Vs. Nintendo

Death Penalty Still Permissible For People Who Drive Slowly In The Left Lane, Pope Francis Clarifies

Millennial Drops Support for Socialism After Learning How Hard It Is to Get Avocado Toast in Venezuela

Joel Osteen Targets Millennials with New Book: ‘You Can Even!’

Nation Wonders Who the Heck These People Are with Enough Free Time to Scour the Internet for Old Offensive Tweets


Sunday funnies

August 5, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

Average American Now Complains More in a Week Than People Living Through the Black Plague Did Their Entire Lives

Demonstrating just how bad modern life has gotten, surveys now show that the average American today complains more in a week than people living during the black plague complained throughout their entire 30-year life span.

“There’s just so much more going wrong now,” said Karen Maxwell, a college student. “Things were just much simpler during the Black Death. All they had to deal with was squalor, starvation, and the constant threat of disease. Nowadays we have microaggressions, student debt, gluten, unequal pay for women, GMOs, problematic things like Scarlett Johansson playing a transgender man. The list just goes on and on. So it’s no wonder we complain more.”

“It just makes sense,” she added before going back to using her smartphone, a device that would have seemed like dark magic to people living just a hundred years ago.

Studies back up Maxwell, as there are recorded only a handful of common complaints from the 14th century such as large boils, lack of food, and everyone dying. In the present day, though, there are thousands of things people complain about daily — poor cell service, traffic jams, unripe avocados, obesity, favorite TV shows being canceled — problems no one six hundred years ago had to deal with at all.

“It’s just a miserable time to live in,” Troy Walker said while eating a burrito in an air conditioned food court, something that would probably confuse and scare a 14th century European. “All the disease back in the 1300s sounds bad, but at least they didn’t have high health care costs from it since they didn’t have health care. And look how we’re being exploited by capitalism.” Walker pointed to his iPhone. “But in plague-ridden Europe, most people had pretty much nothing, so they didn’t have to worry about that.”

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Struggling Chemistry Teacher Takes to Life of Crime Manufacturing Plastic Straws to Sell on Streets of Santa Barbara

Local Mom Drops ‘Bored’ Kids Off at School Three Weeks Early

Man Identifies as Woman, Immediately Receives 23% Pay Cut

Russian Spy Captured, Found to Have Several Smaller Russian Spies Nested Inside

Man Struck Dead for Bearing False Witness After Clicking ‘I Have Read and Accept These Terms and Conditions’

Church Kicks Off Fun-Filled ‘Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God’ Themed VBS


Sunday funnies

July 1, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

Monster Energy Introduces New Maximum Strength Formula for VBS Volunteers

CORONA, CA—Monster Beverage Corporation announced Friday the company is introducing a new “maximum strength” formula of its popular energy drink, specifically targeted at Vacation Bible School volunteers.

The drink claims to have “the absolute maximum amount” of Vitamins B12, B6, B3, caffeine, and taurine a human can ingest at one time without dying, in addition to newly discovered proprietary chemicals designed to help VBS volunteers labor for hours each day.

“Whether you’re expected to display almost creepy levels of enthusiasm and excitement in the daily VBS skits or rallies, or your hands are bleeding from making insanely complex spaceship crafts out of aluminum foil and Elmer’s glue, Monster Energy: VBS Blend is for you,” a spokesperson said. “Nursery workers, games organizers, and especially children’s ministers are going to love this new product.”

The energy drink is shipping now in three flavors: Watered-Down Punch, Cheesy Casserole, and Baptist Grape.

Also from The Babylon Bee: 

Nation’s Hospitals Prepare for Influx of Shell-Shocked VBS Volunteers

Church Uses ‘Hunger Games’ Footage as VBS Volunteer Training Video


Christmas play prominently features essential oils in product placement deal

December 13, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

UPLAND, CA—In a lucrative product placement deal, Faithcurrents Community Church prominently featured several doTerra essential oils at several key moments during its annual nativity play, sources confirmed Monday.

Rather than bringing gold, frankincense, and myrrh, the Magi gifted doTerra starter kits, special peppermint blends, and a premium oil diffuser to help with Baby Jesus’s colic. The Magi took several minutes to conspicuously display the products and describe them in great detail for the audience while presenting them to the young Savior.

“And this here is what every young Messiah needs: a full set of doTerra essential oils, also available for purchase in the lobby for just $29.99,” one of the Magi said excitedly, holding up a premium starter kit as the church’s camera crew zoomed in to give the crowd a good look. “I never leave for a historic journey from the Far East without one.”

Another scene had the shepherds calming their fussy sheep with an essential oil diffuser, and featured the angels singing about several exciting new essential oil blends entitled “Peace” and “Goodwill,” both of which were also available for purchase in the church’s foyer after the performance.

“On earth peace, goodwill toward men! And if you really want peace and goodwill, you’ll upgrade to our special diffuser pack, so you can have true joy this holiday season all throughout your home,” one angel said.

During the customary altar call invitation at the end of the show, Pastor Lucas’s wife Jenna reportedly spent 15 minutes pleading with the crowd to start their own doTerra business and “take control of your lives,” as the choir sang “Jesus, I Come.”

According to sources within the church, several prominent essential oil brands were involved in a tight bidding war for the featured spot in the performance, with doTerra’s rumored bid of $1.3 million narrowly beating out a competitive offer from a Young Living rep at the church.


Sunday funnies

November 19, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Back Pew Voted Best Spot In Church Fifty-Eighth Year Running

U.S.—The back pew at church was voted the best seat in the house among churchgoers for the 58th year running, sources at LifeWay Research confirmed Tuesday.

Regular church attendees were polled on their preferences for a place to sit during a service, with options ranging from the various pews in the sanctuary and the overflow room to the comfort of one’s own home while watching an online broadcast.

Over 92% of those polled stated that sitting in the very back pew is the perfect spot: far enough away that the pastor can’t effectively gaze into your soul, but close enough that you feel good about yourself for showing up unlike those heathens who are playing hooky.

“Respondents did seem to prefer an aisle seat so they can slip out as soon as the last worship song starts, but were almost unanimous in their enthusiasm over finding a spot in the back,” Scott McConnell, executive director of LifeWay Research said. “Things like being able to covertly check sports scores on one’s smartphone and ‘totally space out’ during a sermon without the pastor knowing were both major factors in the popularity of the pew.”

The front pew was voted the second worst spot in church, according to researchers, just behind those chairs onstage behind the pastor.


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