Nation’s hospitals prepare for influx of shell-shocked VBS volunteers

June 28, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

The waves of patients typically begin arriving in late June, and peak in July and August—thousands of panicked and traumatized Vacation Bible School volunteers who haven’t slept in a full week begin flooding into America’s hospitals. Overworked and outnumbered doctors, nurses, and hospital staff from California to Maine are reportedly clearing rooms and adding beds to receive the sizable influx of shell-shocked VBS workers.

According to one veteran nurse working in a Dallas hospital, the sights, sounds, and smells of the VBS workers returning from the front-lines are often too much to bear. “We lose a lot of interns and new doctors during the VBS fallout,” she says. “Just seeing one worker return with water balloon shrapnel permanently lodged in her limbs, or a VBS mascot who is indefinitely stuck in character, is enough to drive hospital staff out of the healthcare industry for good.”

“They’re coming,” says Elaine Cabrera, an anesthesiologist from Seattle. “The entire hospital staff is on call. These poor people need us.”

Dr. Raymond Wilson, a resident psychology expert at Harvard, says that PTSD from Vacation Bible School is a common phenomenon, and the nation is going to have to wake up to fight the crisis together. “We cheer on VBS volunteers as they go off to war. We appreciate them. But when they return injured and mentally broken after enthusiastically hyping up children and taking shots of espresso intravenously for a week, we ignore them and fail to get them the help they deserve.”

While the specific injuries and level of trauma vary widely, the most common signs of VBSPTSD include being unable to stop humming the VBS theme song, having various adhesives, glitter, and other decorations stuck in one’s hair or clothes, a “permasmile” combined with a “thousand yard stare,” and an acute desire to continue serving in children’s ministry.


Church uses ‘Hunger Games’ footage as VBS training video

June 12, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

WEST RICHLAND, WA—Stating the film is still the most accurate depiction of the experience, staff members at Valleyview Church are reportedly utilizing footage from dystopian sci-fi series The Hunger Games as training for its vacation Bible school volunteers.

The dozens of volunteers were seated in the sanctuary and shown violent footage from several of the films as a worker narrated Katniss Everdeen’s techniques for making it through the fight to the death in one piece.

“See how Katniss finds a safe place in a tree and hides from the roaming bands of bloodthirsty kids? That’ll be you a few weeks from now,” a children’s ministry worker said as she pointed out the various elements of the protagonist’s survival skills that helped her to win the fictional battle royale. “You can’t get too attached to your fellow workers or kids, or you won’t be ready to do what is necessary to make it out alive.”

“It’s every man for himself out there,” she added. “You’ll need to keep your wits about you if you’re going to survive this.”

The ministry leader somberly instructed volunteers to look to their left and their right, claiming that “of you and the person seated to your left and right, only one will make it through.”

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that all volunteers were also required to read William Golding’s classic Lord of the Flies ahead of the event.


Former child star Junior Asparagus arrested on drug charges

December 5, 2016

From The Babylon Bee.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Once-popular child star Junior Asparagus, who rose to fame beginning with hit VeggieTales video Where’s God When I’m S-Scared? at just five years old, was arrested on charges of drug possession and resisting arrest early Friday morning after being pulled over for erratic driving, the Beverly Hills Police Department confirmed.

The mug shot, attained by TMZ, shows a gaunt, pixelated Asparagus staring vacantly at the camera through bloodshot eyes.

The 28-year-old spring vegetable rose to prominence with his breakout VeggieTales role, but was unable to find steady work after being replaced by an up-and-coming lookalike around the time of Big Idea’s bankruptcy in 2003.

“I hope this is a wake-up call for him,” Dad Asparagus said to reporters outside his modest home in the suburbs of Chicago. “He used to be such a good kid, never got in trouble, before he got involved with the wrong crowd. I think Laura [Carrot] was a really bad influence on him, on and off the set.”

“She even broke my prized bowling plate once and never fessed up to it,” he added.

“We thought he had hit bottom when he started posting pictures of his wild nights out with the shroom brothers on his Instagram,” Mom Asparagus chimed in, choking back tears. “And when the show continued down the path of moral therapeutic deism, he just got disillusioned.”

“If you see this, Junior, we love you very much. But you need to get help.”

 


God hoping Facebook post reaches sufficient number of likes so He can heal sick child

July 26, 2016

From The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—What is not known is how Shayna Hinton, 35, knows the sweet little girl in the photo she shared on Facebook Monday. What is known is that the young girl in the picture has a “rare” and “deadly” disease that God will heal as long as Hinton’s Facebook post telling the world about her reaches one million likes.

The Almighty, according to Hinton, is watching the post intently, hoping against hope that it hits its goals quickly so He can intervene.

“1 like = 1 prayer” says her status update, making it clear that miraculous work from the Lord on behalf of the afflicted child is incumbent upon her post going viral. “Look into this sweet little girl’s eyes and decide right now—will you LIKE and SHARE this post so GOD can HEAL her???” she clarified in the comments section.

Continuing on in the comments section, Hinton made clear that “it’s up to US, folks,” “God is just WAITING and HOPING we will activate our faith so He can heal this child,” and “you can save her life RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, if you’ll just do your part by clicking that LIKE button and then SHARING this post.”

“MAKE NO MISTAKE—GOD IS WATCHING YOU READ THIS AND HOPING YOU WILL DO THE RIGHT THING!!!!” she added.

At publishing time, the post had received a number of further comments, all from Hinton, and had only 999,987 likes to go before God would be able to save the child.


Dispensationalists frantically adjust end-times charts to include Brexit vote

June 28, 2016

From The Babylon Bee.

As Great Britain voted in favor of a motion to leave the European Union, premillenial dispensationalists around the world held emergency meetings Friday morning, frantically adjusting their prophetic charts to include the completely unanticipated new development.

“We’re thinking of calling this one ‘The Brexit Dispensation,’” Tim LaHaye told reporters as he hastily altered his precise wall charts to account for the new information. “We had previously thought that Saddam Hussein would be the one to usher in the one-world government, but that’s looking less likely now, so we’re going to make some official adjustments.” LaHaye added that the European Union might not be ushering in an age of one-world government after all, unfortunately.

Meanwhile in California, prophecy expert Dr. David Jeremiah of Shadow Mountain Community Church reportedly made an emergency early-morning phone call to Texas pastor John Hagee. “John, have you seen the news? This isn’t in any of the tables!” he is said to have screamed into the phone. After calming Jeremiah down, Hagee reportedly consulted a series of lunar charts taped across his bedroom walls and surmised that the Brexit decision had actually been accurately predicted by Halley’s Comet in 1986, before proceeding to scribble some corrections on his favorite eschatological timeline in red marker.

“We totally missed it!” Hagee told reporters as he explained his new chart at a Friday afternoon press conference. “It just goes to show when you’re not extremely careful about building your theology around current events and astrological signs, even the experts can make a mistake.”

Hagee further stated that he would have an exhaustive new book covering these developments released within a few months, tentatively titled Brexit: Dispensation of Doom.


32-year-old forcibly transferred from college ministry to singles’ ministry

May 23, 2016

From The Babylon Bee.

KNOXVILLE, TN—Spring Hollow Evangelical Free Church confirmed Friday that 32-year-old Jackson Freeman has been forcibly transferred to the singles’ ministry following an impressive 14-year stint in the church’s college group.

According to sources, Freeman, who dabbled in community college for a few semesters in his late teens before deciding it wasn’t for him, rode his longboard into the college ministry’s building as usual for Friday Bible study. College pastor Philip Huxley, whom Freeman affectionately calls “Preacha Hux,” was waiting at the door with several members of the security team to escort the unemployed Freeman to the church’s singles’ ministry on the other side of the property.

While Freeman initially resisted, throwing his flat-billed cap on the ground in disgust and shouting phrases like, “You’re killing me, Smalls,” and “Ice cold, Preacha Hux, ICE COLD,” eventually Huxley and his associate pastor were able to calm him down and gently coax him into the singles’ ministry Bible study by offering him Mountain Dew and a yo-yo.

“Cases like this are more common than you may realize,” Huxley told reporters after the incident. “Acceptance is the first step toward recovery, as any medical professional will tell you.”

A spokesman for Spring Hollow’s singles’ ministry, “Following Jesus Solo,” which consists of over three dozen single men and five women in their twenties and thirties, says Freeman is slowly adjusting to post-college life and is expected to make a full recovery.


Local woman searches Bible in vain for beloved ‘Footprints in the Sand’ passage

April 29, 2016

From The Babylon Bee.

RIVERBANK, CA—In the middle of a Friday Bible study of which she is a semi-regular attender, sources confirmed local woman Rachel Atkinson intently searched the Book of Psalms for her favorite Scripture—the much-beloved ‘Footprints In The Sand’ poem.

“I just know it’s here somewhere. Or was it in Ecclesiastes?” Atkinson reportedly muttered as she leafed through the pages of her crimson Scofield Reference Bible, confident that every page turn would reveal the inspired words to help accentuate her conversational point about the love of Jesus. “It sure sounds like a Psalm, right?”

According to her friends and family, Atkinson often references the passage, which relays the vision of a man looking over his life with Christ and realizing that Christ in fact never abandoned him but carried him through his worst times. “Yeah, Rachel quotes that chapter all the time,” offered her husband. “It’s in Proverbs, right?”

At publishing time, Atkinson had moved on and was performing a Google search on her smartphone to find out what chapter of Luke contained the account of the little drummer boy playing his drum for Jesus.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

King of Saudi Arabia Really Getting a Kick out of Apple Lecturing North Carolina

Target Announces Senior Discount for Anyone Who Self-Identifies as Age 60 or Older

Adult Coloring Book to Feature Favorite Imprecatory Psalms

Jaws of Life Needed to Remove Worship Leader’s Skinny Jeans


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