Former child star Junior Asparagus arrested on drug charges

December 5, 2016

From The Babylon Bee.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Once-popular child star Junior Asparagus, who rose to fame beginning with hit VeggieTales video Where’s God When I’m S-Scared? at just five years old, was arrested on charges of drug possession and resisting arrest early Friday morning after being pulled over for erratic driving, the Beverly Hills Police Department confirmed.

The mug shot, attained by TMZ, shows a gaunt, pixelated Asparagus staring vacantly at the camera through bloodshot eyes.

The 28-year-old spring vegetable rose to prominence with his breakout VeggieTales role, but was unable to find steady work after being replaced by an up-and-coming lookalike around the time of Big Idea’s bankruptcy in 2003.

“I hope this is a wake-up call for him,” Dad Asparagus said to reporters outside his modest home in the suburbs of Chicago. “He used to be such a good kid, never got in trouble, before he got involved with the wrong crowd. I think Laura [Carrot] was a really bad influence on him, on and off the set.”

“She even broke my prized bowling plate once and never fessed up to it,” he added.

“We thought he had hit bottom when he started posting pictures of his wild nights out with the shroom brothers on his Instagram,” Mom Asparagus chimed in, choking back tears. “And when the show continued down the path of moral therapeutic deism, he just got disillusioned.”

“If you see this, Junior, we love you very much. But you need to get help.”


God hoping Facebook post reaches sufficient number of likes so He can heal sick child

July 26, 2016

From The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—What is not known is how Shayna Hinton, 35, knows the sweet little girl in the photo she shared on Facebook Monday. What is known is that the young girl in the picture has a “rare” and “deadly” disease that God will heal as long as Hinton’s Facebook post telling the world about her reaches one million likes.

The Almighty, according to Hinton, is watching the post intently, hoping against hope that it hits its goals quickly so He can intervene.

“1 like = 1 prayer” says her status update, making it clear that miraculous work from the Lord on behalf of the afflicted child is incumbent upon her post going viral. “Look into this sweet little girl’s eyes and decide right now—will you LIKE and SHARE this post so GOD can HEAL her???” she clarified in the comments section.

Continuing on in the comments section, Hinton made clear that “it’s up to US, folks,” “God is just WAITING and HOPING we will activate our faith so He can heal this child,” and “you can save her life RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, if you’ll just do your part by clicking that LIKE button and then SHARING this post.”


At publishing time, the post had received a number of further comments, all from Hinton, and had only 999,987 likes to go before God would be able to save the child.

Dispensationalists frantically adjust end-times charts to include Brexit vote

June 28, 2016

From The Babylon Bee.

As Great Britain voted in favor of a motion to leave the European Union, premillenial dispensationalists around the world held emergency meetings Friday morning, frantically adjusting their prophetic charts to include the completely unanticipated new development.

“We’re thinking of calling this one ‘The Brexit Dispensation,’” Tim LaHaye told reporters as he hastily altered his precise wall charts to account for the new information. “We had previously thought that Saddam Hussein would be the one to usher in the one-world government, but that’s looking less likely now, so we’re going to make some official adjustments.” LaHaye added that the European Union might not be ushering in an age of one-world government after all, unfortunately.

Meanwhile in California, prophecy expert Dr. David Jeremiah of Shadow Mountain Community Church reportedly made an emergency early-morning phone call to Texas pastor John Hagee. “John, have you seen the news? This isn’t in any of the tables!” he is said to have screamed into the phone. After calming Jeremiah down, Hagee reportedly consulted a series of lunar charts taped across his bedroom walls and surmised that the Brexit decision had actually been accurately predicted by Halley’s Comet in 1986, before proceeding to scribble some corrections on his favorite eschatological timeline in red marker.

“We totally missed it!” Hagee told reporters as he explained his new chart at a Friday afternoon press conference. “It just goes to show when you’re not extremely careful about building your theology around current events and astrological signs, even the experts can make a mistake.”

Hagee further stated that he would have an exhaustive new book covering these developments released within a few months, tentatively titled Brexit: Dispensation of Doom.

32-year-old forcibly transferred from college ministry to singles’ ministry

May 23, 2016

From The Babylon Bee.

KNOXVILLE, TN—Spring Hollow Evangelical Free Church confirmed Friday that 32-year-old Jackson Freeman has been forcibly transferred to the singles’ ministry following an impressive 14-year stint in the church’s college group.

According to sources, Freeman, who dabbled in community college for a few semesters in his late teens before deciding it wasn’t for him, rode his longboard into the college ministry’s building as usual for Friday Bible study. College pastor Philip Huxley, whom Freeman affectionately calls “Preacha Hux,” was waiting at the door with several members of the security team to escort the unemployed Freeman to the church’s singles’ ministry on the other side of the property.

While Freeman initially resisted, throwing his flat-billed cap on the ground in disgust and shouting phrases like, “You’re killing me, Smalls,” and “Ice cold, Preacha Hux, ICE COLD,” eventually Huxley and his associate pastor were able to calm him down and gently coax him into the singles’ ministry Bible study by offering him Mountain Dew and a yo-yo.

“Cases like this are more common than you may realize,” Huxley told reporters after the incident. “Acceptance is the first step toward recovery, as any medical professional will tell you.”

A spokesman for Spring Hollow’s singles’ ministry, “Following Jesus Solo,” which consists of over three dozen single men and five women in their twenties and thirties, says Freeman is slowly adjusting to post-college life and is expected to make a full recovery.

Local woman searches Bible in vain for beloved ‘Footprints in the Sand’ passage

April 29, 2016

From The Babylon Bee.

RIVERBANK, CA—In the middle of a Friday Bible study of which she is a semi-regular attender, sources confirmed local woman Rachel Atkinson intently searched the Book of Psalms for her favorite Scripture—the much-beloved ‘Footprints In The Sand’ poem.

“I just know it’s here somewhere. Or was it in Ecclesiastes?” Atkinson reportedly muttered as she leafed through the pages of her crimson Scofield Reference Bible, confident that every page turn would reveal the inspired words to help accentuate her conversational point about the love of Jesus. “It sure sounds like a Psalm, right?”

According to her friends and family, Atkinson often references the passage, which relays the vision of a man looking over his life with Christ and realizing that Christ in fact never abandoned him but carried him through his worst times. “Yeah, Rachel quotes that chapter all the time,” offered her husband. “It’s in Proverbs, right?”

At publishing time, Atkinson had moved on and was performing a Google search on her smartphone to find out what chapter of Luke contained the account of the little drummer boy playing his drum for Jesus.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

King of Saudi Arabia Really Getting a Kick out of Apple Lecturing North Carolina

Target Announces Senior Discount for Anyone Who Self-Identifies as Age 60 or Older

Adult Coloring Book to Feature Favorite Imprecatory Psalms

Jaws of Life Needed to Remove Worship Leader’s Skinny Jeans

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