Sunday funnies

August 12, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

God Confuses All the Languages Again to Stop Everybody from Arguing Online

In a modern-day repeat of the Tower of Babel narrative, the Lord has reportedly confused the languages of everyone who uses the internet in order to stop all the arguing.

The miraculous intervention occurred in an instant, as people around the world suddenly realized their means of communication had been scrambled so as to confound their efforts to flame each other.

A heavenly representative then released the following modern-day revelation, to be added to the end of the Bible, in order to record the event:

And the whole earth was of one internet, and of one online community.

And they said one to another, “Let us build websites and call them Facebook and Twitter, and we shall argue on them and call each other nazis and make each other miserable and angry.”

And the Lord came down to the see the websites which the children of men had built.

And the Lord said, “Behold, the people is one, and they have all one internet and this they begin to do: just yell and scream at each other and make straw-man arguments in their own image. They are completely useless, and they make me sad. Let us go down and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech, and thus stop all the stupid arguing and maybe do something useful with their time instead.”

So the Lord confounded their languages and broke Google Translate and the people were unable to use Twitter or Facebook get in pointless arguments with each other. Some then went on to do useful things, though most just watched something off Netflix.

At publishing time, humanity had agreed to begin to work together to figure out their new languages so they could resume arguing again as soon as possible.

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Humanity Just a Few More Bans Away from Only Having Good Opinions on the Internet

America Fondly Recalls Time When Most Divisive Topic of Discussion Was Sega Vs. Nintendo

Death Penalty Still Permissible For People Who Drive Slowly In The Left Lane, Pope Francis Clarifies

Millennial Drops Support for Socialism After Learning How Hard It Is to Get Avocado Toast in Venezuela

Joel Osteen Targets Millennials with New Book: ‘You Can Even!’

Nation Wonders Who the Heck These People Are with Enough Free Time to Scour the Internet for Old Offensive Tweets


Sunday funnies

August 5, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

Average American Now Complains More in a Week Than People Living Through the Black Plague Did Their Entire Lives

Demonstrating just how bad modern life has gotten, surveys now show that the average American today complains more in a week than people living during the black plague complained throughout their entire 30-year life span.

“There’s just so much more going wrong now,” said Karen Maxwell, a college student. “Things were just much simpler during the Black Death. All they had to deal with was squalor, starvation, and the constant threat of disease. Nowadays we have microaggressions, student debt, gluten, unequal pay for women, GMOs, problematic things like Scarlett Johansson playing a transgender man. The list just goes on and on. So it’s no wonder we complain more.”

“It just makes sense,” she added before going back to using her smartphone, a device that would have seemed like dark magic to people living just a hundred years ago.

Studies back up Maxwell, as there are recorded only a handful of common complaints from the 14th century such as large boils, lack of food, and everyone dying. In the present day, though, there are thousands of things people complain about daily — poor cell service, traffic jams, unripe avocados, obesity, favorite TV shows being canceled — problems no one six hundred years ago had to deal with at all.

“It’s just a miserable time to live in,” Troy Walker said while eating a burrito in an air conditioned food court, something that would probably confuse and scare a 14th century European. “All the disease back in the 1300s sounds bad, but at least they didn’t have high health care costs from it since they didn’t have health care. And look how we’re being exploited by capitalism.” Walker pointed to his iPhone. “But in plague-ridden Europe, most people had pretty much nothing, so they didn’t have to worry about that.”

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Struggling Chemistry Teacher Takes to Life of Crime Manufacturing Plastic Straws to Sell on Streets of Santa Barbara

Local Mom Drops ‘Bored’ Kids Off at School Three Weeks Early

Man Identifies as Woman, Immediately Receives 23% Pay Cut

Russian Spy Captured, Found to Have Several Smaller Russian Spies Nested Inside

Man Struck Dead for Bearing False Witness After Clicking ‘I Have Read and Accept These Terms and Conditions’

Church Kicks Off Fun-Filled ‘Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God’ Themed VBS


Sunday funnies

July 1, 2018

From The Babylon Bee.

Monster Energy Introduces New Maximum Strength Formula for VBS Volunteers

CORONA, CA—Monster Beverage Corporation announced Friday the company is introducing a new “maximum strength” formula of its popular energy drink, specifically targeted at Vacation Bible School volunteers.

The drink claims to have “the absolute maximum amount” of Vitamins B12, B6, B3, caffeine, and taurine a human can ingest at one time without dying, in addition to newly discovered proprietary chemicals designed to help VBS volunteers labor for hours each day.

“Whether you’re expected to display almost creepy levels of enthusiasm and excitement in the daily VBS skits or rallies, or your hands are bleeding from making insanely complex spaceship crafts out of aluminum foil and Elmer’s glue, Monster Energy: VBS Blend is for you,” a spokesperson said. “Nursery workers, games organizers, and especially children’s ministers are going to love this new product.”

The energy drink is shipping now in three flavors: Watered-Down Punch, Cheesy Casserole, and Baptist Grape.

Also from The Babylon Bee: 

Nation’s Hospitals Prepare for Influx of Shell-Shocked VBS Volunteers

Church Uses ‘Hunger Games’ Footage as VBS Volunteer Training Video


Christmas play prominently features essential oils in product placement deal

December 13, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

UPLAND, CA—In a lucrative product placement deal, Faithcurrents Community Church prominently featured several doTerra essential oils at several key moments during its annual nativity play, sources confirmed Monday.

Rather than bringing gold, frankincense, and myrrh, the Magi gifted doTerra starter kits, special peppermint blends, and a premium oil diffuser to help with Baby Jesus’s colic. The Magi took several minutes to conspicuously display the products and describe them in great detail for the audience while presenting them to the young Savior.

“And this here is what every young Messiah needs: a full set of doTerra essential oils, also available for purchase in the lobby for just $29.99,” one of the Magi said excitedly, holding up a premium starter kit as the church’s camera crew zoomed in to give the crowd a good look. “I never leave for a historic journey from the Far East without one.”

Another scene had the shepherds calming their fussy sheep with an essential oil diffuser, and featured the angels singing about several exciting new essential oil blends entitled “Peace” and “Goodwill,” both of which were also available for purchase in the church’s foyer after the performance.

“On earth peace, goodwill toward men! And if you really want peace and goodwill, you’ll upgrade to our special diffuser pack, so you can have true joy this holiday season all throughout your home,” one angel said.

During the customary altar call invitation at the end of the show, Pastor Lucas’s wife Jenna reportedly spent 15 minutes pleading with the crowd to start their own doTerra business and “take control of your lives,” as the choir sang “Jesus, I Come.”

According to sources within the church, several prominent essential oil brands were involved in a tight bidding war for the featured spot in the performance, with doTerra’s rumored bid of $1.3 million narrowly beating out a competitive offer from a Young Living rep at the church.


Sunday funnies

November 19, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Back Pew Voted Best Spot In Church Fifty-Eighth Year Running

U.S.—The back pew at church was voted the best seat in the house among churchgoers for the 58th year running, sources at LifeWay Research confirmed Tuesday.

Regular church attendees were polled on their preferences for a place to sit during a service, with options ranging from the various pews in the sanctuary and the overflow room to the comfort of one’s own home while watching an online broadcast.

Over 92% of those polled stated that sitting in the very back pew is the perfect spot: far enough away that the pastor can’t effectively gaze into your soul, but close enough that you feel good about yourself for showing up unlike those heathens who are playing hooky.

“Respondents did seem to prefer an aisle seat so they can slip out as soon as the last worship song starts, but were almost unanimous in their enthusiasm over finding a spot in the back,” Scott McConnell, executive director of LifeWay Research said. “Things like being able to covertly check sports scores on one’s smartphone and ‘totally space out’ during a sermon without the pastor knowing were both major factors in the popularity of the pew.”

The front pew was voted the second worst spot in church, according to researchers, just behind those chairs onstage behind the pastor.


Bill Nye to dress up as real scientist for Halloween

October 30, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

ENCINO, CA—Speaking to reporters Tuesday, television personality Bill Nye announced his plans to spend the evening of Halloween roaming his upscale Los Angeles neighborhood dressed as an actual scientist.

“I’ve always wanted to be a real scientist, and I have the perfect costume,” said Nye, best known for playing the title role on the 1990’s Saturday morning children’s program Bill Nye The Science Guy. “I already have a lab coat and bow tie that make me look super science-y.”

Nye told reporters he plans to enhance his costume by carrying copies of scientific journal articles, with his name substituted as the real author. “Aren’t these so lifelike?” he enthusiastically exclaimed. “They make me look like I’ve actually published serious peer-reviewed scientific research articles.”

The television personality also confirmed that he will bring along some honorary doctorate degrees bestowed upon him by several universities. “These fake degrees look so authentic, they would make anyone seem like a legitimate scientific scholar committed to open-minded inquiry.”

“I’ll have to be careful what I say that night,” he added. “My costume is so convincing, people might believe that my personal opinions about a multitude of topics are actual scientific facts.”

When asked if he plans to spend any time on Halloween launching misinformed, condescending attacks on people who disagree with him politically or philosophically, he replied, “No, that’s not something a real scientist would do.”


Sunday funnies

October 8, 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

Archaeologists Discover King David’s Collection of Essential Oils

ONTARIO, CA—Dr. Gary Arbino, Professor of Old Testament at the Gateway Seminary in southern California and world-renowned biblical archaeologist claims to have unearthed King David’s essential oils collection, the scholar announced Thursday.

The 3,000-year-old repository of oils was preserved from decay in a cave recently discovered by roaming bedouin shepherds in the Judaean desert. This archaeological find, rivaling that of the Dead Sea Scrolls in 1946, confirms claims that these oils originate from ancient religious rites and rituals.

At a press conference devoted to the discovery, Arbino noted that these oils will help scholars interpret the Scriptures in a new light: “Evidently these oils are much more essential than we initially believed—we now consider King David’s statement ‘You anoint my head with oil’ in Psalm 23 to be a reference to doTERRA’s CitrusBliss Invigorating Blend.”

Others have been quick to add their support for Arbino’s interpretation. “It makes perfect sense,” one press conference attendee confirmed, “David was a tortured soul. He could have used more Serenity, and less Passion, if you know what I mean.”

In related news, sales of essential oils have more than doubled since the announcement. According to one doTERRA representative, supply for doTERRA’s Passion Inspiring Blend and Serenity Restful Blend will not soon match current demand.


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