Bar jokes for non-English majors

July 10, 2018

Ever since I published Bar jokes for English majors and More bar jokes for English majors, I’ve been thinking that, in the interest of inclusiveness, I ought to run a collection of bar jokes for people who, for whatever reason, majored in something other than English. Here’s what I came up with:

❧HISTORY: Julius Caesar walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” says the bartender. Caesar replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for a double.”

❧PSYCHOLOGY: Pavlov walks into a bar. Just as he sits down, his phone rings, and Pavlov says, “Oh crap! I forgot to feed the dogs.”

❧MATH: An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the fourth can speak, the bartender puts two beers on the bar and says, “You guys need to know your limits.”

❧PHILOSOPHY: René Descartes walks into a bar and has a drink. When the bartender asks if he’ll have another, Descartes says “I think not,” and disappears.

❧MUSIC: C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.

❧PHYSICS: Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar…and doesn’t.

❧CHEMISTRY: Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have a glass of H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have a glass of water.” The first scientist fumes silently, angry that his assassination plot has failed.

❧FILM STUDIES: Into a bar Yoda walked.

❧PRE-MED: A cardiologist walks into Dick’s Bar and orders an almond daiquiri. Dick is out of almonds, so he substitutes hickory nuts. The cardiologist tastes the drink and asks, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” and Dick replies, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

❧EVERY STUDENT WORKING ON A TERM PAPER: Jimmy Wales walks into a bar [citation needed].

NOTE: Readers are welcome to add their own bar jokes in the comments section, provided that they a) relate to an academic discipline; b) are in good taste and suitable for a PG-rated site; and c) are are short, sweet, and to the point (nothing long and rambling, please). Any jokes that do not meet these criteria will be deleted by the dean and the student responsible will receive a failing grade for the term.


More bar jokes for English majors

March 6, 2018

When I published Bar jokes for English majors, I had a sneaking suspicion that my faithful readers — and perhaps even a few faithless ones — would chime in with additions of their own, and they did not disappoint. They inspired me to write a few more as well. So here we go with round two:

❧An adverb walks into a bar purposefully, demands a bottle of whiskey urgently, consumes it single-handedly, and passes out immediately.

❧A homonym woks into a barre.

❧A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. The bartender gives it to her.

❧A flirtatious semicolon walks into a bar and winks at a colon who’s making eyes at her.

❧His, hers, theirs, mine, yours, and ours walk into a bar and quickly take possession.

❧Alliteration arrives at an authentic Alabama alehouse and asks for applejack.

❧A contraction walks into a bar even though it isn’t thirsty, doesn’t feel like drinking, and can’t explain why someone who’s not in the mood to drink wouldn’t avoid bars.

❧A spoonerism balks into a war and has a muddy blary.

❧An anagram walks into a bar owned by an anemic iceman from the cinema.

❧Redundancy walks into a bar that serves alcoholic beverages and asks for scotch on the rocks over ice cubes.

❧After work, before going home, a preposition walks into a bar beside the parking lot behind the office, and drinks with reckless abandon throughout the evening, ending up under the table.

❧An incomplete sentence into a bar

❧A thesaurus walks/ambles/saunters/wanders/strides/traipses into a bar.

❧Onomatopoeia whizzes into a bar, barks out an order, guzzles a drink, then zips out with a whoosh.

❧A misplaced apostrophe walk’s into a bar and drink’s a few beer’s.

❧Subject and verb walk into a bar, but the bartender kicks them out because they don’t agree.

❧An interjection walks into a bar—ouch!

❧A heteronym walks into a bar, even though it’s close to time for the place to close. 

❧Bob, Eve, Hannah, Otto, Ada, Nan, Mom, and Dad walk into The Palindrome Saloon. 

❧Alphabet. Barroom. Cocktails. Drinking. Euphoric. Fried. Giddy. Hammered. Inebriated. Juiced. Kippered. Loaded. Muddled. Narcotized. Obliviated. Pickled. Quaffy. Ravaged. Schnockered. Tanked. Unsteady. Vulcanized. Wasted. 

❧William Shakespeare walks into a pub
   In search of refreshment and levity;
He asks the bar maid for some spiked lemonade,
   Having heard it increases longevity;
Then he says to the lass, “Use a very short glass,
   For the soul of wit is brevity.”


Bar jokes for English majors

February 20, 2018

❧ A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

❧ A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

❧ An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

❧ Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

❧ A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

❧ Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

❧ A question mark walks into a bar?

❧ A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

❧ Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a war. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

❧ A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

❧ A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

❧ Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart. 

❧ A synonym strolls into a tavern.

❧ At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

❧ A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

❧ Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

❧ A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

❧ An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles’ heel.

❧ The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

❧ A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

❧ The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

❧ A dyslexic walks into a bra.

❧ A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines. 

❧ An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

❧ A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

❧ A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

❧ A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony. 


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