New Hampshire governor declares state of emergency

February 8, 2016

From The Barbed Wire.

CONCORD, NH (The Barbed Wire) – Maggie Hassan, governor of New Hampshire, has issued a state of emergency for the entire state of New Hampshire. The governor said the state has become saturated with political ads, with reports of some needing to be rescued from said ads. 9-1-1 operators say calls are coming in from people screaming that they are drowning in political ads.

“The state has been hit with $100 million in political ads for this primary season,” said the governor. “The citizenry is politically weary, and any more ads may push them over the edge. Already, the needle on the state’s bullshit meter has broken off trying to keep up with the lies, half-truths, and allegations contained in the ads.”

Several counties in and around the bigger metropolitan areas in New Hampshire are under political ad warnings until next Wednesday. It’s not just the ads either. Area hospitals are reporting a surge in accidents from pedestrians tripping over campaign signs they couldn’t possibly have seen while they were walking and texting.

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President unveils ObamaCAIR

December 14, 2015

From The Barbed Wire.

WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) – Following his “Please Pardon the Muslims” speech last week, in which Mr. Obama vowed not to change a thing in his imaginary war with ISIS, the president announced his latest, government-mandated program. In conjunction with the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), Obama, using his favorite tools, his pen and his phone, has issued an executive order to institute his Muslim Protection Program, also called ObamaCAIR.

ObamaCAIR insures that all Muslims are protected from harmful words, profiling, and hurt feelings. States are being asked to set up ObamaCAIR exchanges where navigators would ensure that all Muslims can report any American who is in any way disrespectful of them, or their religion of peace.

“I care about defeating ISIS,” the president said in a statement, “It’s just that I care more about not offending anyone who practices Islam. The same rules still apply under ObamaCAIR – ‘If you see something, say something, but keep it politically correct.’ My new program commands that Americans are only allowed to profile a Muslim AFTER they have carried out an attack of workplace or gun violence.”

The president also asked anyone who is planning a lone-wolf style attack to please wait until after he leaves office in early 2017. “I know this might inconvenience some out there, but it would really save me a lot of headaches. You have no idea,” he said.

CAIR will act as the watchdog for ObamaCAIR, and will be the first to scream if a Muslim is even looked at the wrong way.

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The new global threat is climate indifference

October 19, 2015

From The Barbed Wire.

CALIFORNIA (The Barbed Wire) – Speaking to gullible students at Stanford University, Obama ambassador of propaganda, Susan Rice, said in a speech that the greatest threat our world now faces is “climate indifference.” Rice, one of the world’s leading climate scientists, told the horrified students, some trembling in their seats, that the climate just doesn’t give a crap anymore.

“We feared global cooling for decades,” Rice said. “Then, we learned to fear the climate through global warming. Next, the climate was just changing. It’s always done that, but we should be terrified of it just the same. Climate disruption was next. Now, I’m sad to say, the climate just doesn’t care anymore. And when the climate quits caring, that’s when people get hurt.”

Asked by an audience member, who had just wet his pants, what could be done to avert catastrophe, Rice answered, “We may need to go back to offering human sacrifices to the gods. Beyond that, I don’t know. What we do know is that this is the single greatest long-term threat we as a species face on this planet.”

Downplaying other threats that most of the world feels are more pressing, Rice assured the crowd that terrorists, and groups like ISIS, will eventually tire and get bored with killing and terrorizing people who do not agree with them, and will most likely retire to tropical areas to live out their lives peacefully on a beach somewhere.

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‘Clock Boy’ Ahmed traumatized by celebrity and free travel

September 28, 2015

From The Barbed Wire.

The delicate snowflake who has gained fame simply be being arrested for building a bomb-looking device, known worldwide as “Clock Boy,” is under duress according to his family, and is being traumatized by all of the love and admiration he is being forced to receive from the PC crowd. Ahmed is also having to endure being given thousands of dollars of free merchandise from Microsoft and other companies.

Dubbed “Ahmed Kardashian” in the inventing world, the teenager from Texas got the name because never in modern history has someone received so much fame from doing so little. His family says he is under so much strain that he almost can’t stop smiling from all the attention he has received from the president, celebrities, even world leaders from overseas.

During his captivity in the public spotlight, Ahmed has been forced to appear on numerous national TV shows, conducted numerous radio interviews, and, most recently, met the Prime Minister of Turkey at the UN building in New York. Doctors are not sure how much more abuse the young wonder kid can take.

His family is enjoying his new found fame and all the spoils that come with it, while still being a$$holes by refusing to sign release forms that would allow the school where Ahmed was arrested to tell their side of the story. Sorry, the family is busy having too much fun to be bothered by information that might not be favorable to the traumatized boy’s public image.

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For further enlightenment:

Ahmed and the Art of the Psychodrama (Victor Davis Hanson)

Clock Boy and America’s Suicidal PC Tendencies (Ben Shapiro)

If It Walks Like an Influence Operation… (Frank Gaffney)

Ahmed’s Clock Block (Bill Maher, Mark Cuban et. al.)

What If a White Baptist boy Brought a Clock That Looked Like a Bomb to School? (Doug Giles)

Ahmed Mohamed: a Hoaxer and a Huckster (Ezra Levant)

Potential Fraud Case If Ahmed Mohamed’s Clock Was Purposeful Hoax (The Kelly File)

Students Say Ahmed’s Clock Looks Like Bomb (Dan Joseph)

Ahmed Mohamed: Handcuffed for Making a Clock? (Stefan Molyneux)

#IStandWithAhmed: The Whole Family Is Stupid and They Duped Us (Gavin McInnes)

What is Truth? Finding the Facts in Conflicting Information (Bill Whittle, Scott Ott, and Stephen Green)

Obama opens White House to all Muslim youths who invent suspicious devices

September 21, 2015

From The Barbed Wire.

WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) – After a teenage Muslim boy in Texas was arrested for bringing what appeared to be a briefcase bomb to his school, President Obama said it was imperative that America embrace these young, inventive minds and he invited the young man to the White House. The teen claimed the device was a clock but, to any normal person, the ticking briefcase with wires coming out of it looked like a homemade bomb.

Not one to take political correctness only halfway, President Obama has extended invitations to all young Muslims who invent ordinary household items that could be mistaken for a bomb. Saying that doing otherwise might hurt young Muslim’s feelings, Mr. Obama said there seemed to be little downside to his offer.

“We need to coddle these bright young minds, not punish them,” Obama said. “I realize that by embracing their inventive spirit some of these young men may grow up to develop and build devices that bring great advances to our society, while others might bring death and destruction to our own country, but it would be after I’m out of office and we want to encourage them either way.”

The President continued, “So all you Muslim young men who can come up with any kind of device that ticks, smokes, buzzes, hisses, or emits a smell that might fool your teacher into thinking a toxic gas may be about to be released, send us your creations. If you can succeed in getting arrested, well, you just punched your ticket for a free, taxpayer-funded trip to the White House!”

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Jailed Kentucky clerk just following Obama’s lead

September 8, 2015

From The Barbed Wire.

County clerk Kim Davis spent another night in jail because of her refusal to issue same-sex marriage licenses in her office. Davis insists that doing so would violate her religious beliefs and so she has become a conscientious objector. Surprisingly, she is a Democrat AND a Christian. In other words, she’s on the endangered species list.

Evidently, Davis never got the memo that Democrats parted ways with God years ago. And while some Democrats still keep up the pretense of going to church to satisfy their self image of being a good person, they endorse the killing of babies and continue to defend Planned Parenthood at the same time. […]

“As a Democrat, my hero, Barack Obama, has made a habit of choosing which laws he wants to follow and which ones he wants to ignore,” Davis said. “So why can’t I do the same thing? It’s another case of the elites vs. the little people, and I’m paying the price for it.”

[read the full story here]

Republicans file paperwork with FEC to put Biden on Democratic ballots

August 25, 2015

From The Barbed Wire.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) – Giving Vice-President Joe Biden the push he needs to make his decision official that he will seek the presidency on the Democratic ticket next year, Republican voters filed the necessary paperwork with the Federal Election Commission for him. Biden will surely throw a monkey wrench into Hillary Clinton’s previously planned coronation.

On the line on the form that asked for the reason for filing, Republicans wrote “For unparalleled comedic value.” Billy Tucker, one of the Republicans who filed the forms told us, “It would be a crime for crazy Uncle Joe to not be involved in this election circus. We wanted to watch the Democratic side be a bunch of old, white people fighting it out, with O’Malley snapping at their heels. It’s going to be so fun to watch.”

Head of the DNC, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, announced the Democratic primary will be sponsored by Geritol. Also, a documentary crew will follow the candidates around until the Democratic convention next year to record all the insanity. The movie will be called Grumpy Old Politicians.

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